Bernard And Doris Page #4

Miss Duke would like two men

on duty at any given time.

That's one inside the house

and one patrolling the grounds.

Also four dogs.

Nobody's to get in through

the front gate when she's away

except the gardeners

and the pool guy.

They have been issued

with passes like this.

And if you set off

the sprinkler system

with one of those,

you'll be destroying $30 million worth

of art and antiques.

Thanks, gentlemen.

Oh, I... I thought

you'd gone home.

I've been having

a wee clear out of my room.

You know what it's like.

- I'll take that out for you.

- That's okay.

- It's no big deal.

- It's fine, thanks anyway.

Thanks.

Lafferty, change of plans.

I leave for London tomorrow.

Book the Connaught.

Make sure to tell Elton I'm coming.

Send over my Russian fox

and the new white sable pronto.

I rejoin the tour

in Washington on the 15th

and I'm running

to Hawaii after that.

So make sure

all the linens are changed.

Tell the painters I want them

out of there by March 10th,

or I'm invoking

the penalty clause.

In no way am I kidding.

Sincerely, Doris Duke.

Oh, PS... have my new

jewelry appraised

and listed in the policy.

Sotheby's can do it.

I prefer that nice Kathy,

but if it has to be the other one,

so be it.

- Welcome back, Miss Duke.

- Oh, thank you.

I am so glad to be back.

Are you growing your hair?

A bit, I am. Yeah.

Come here.

Here.

- Look.

- What?

Look.

What do you think?

I think it looks a bit puny.

Well, you've got to give it time.

- I like it.

- You do?

Mm-hm.

I hope that your tour

went well?

Oh, the arts in America,

Lafferty, don't get me started.

You know, sometimes there

were more of us onstage

than there were in the audience.

I'm sorry to hear that, ma'am.

It wasn't a total disaster,

- I made a little friend.

- Oh, you did?

Mm-hm.

A kid in the company.

Oh, amazing dancer.

I thought he was gay.

And actually, so did he. But you know,

we have to leave ourselves open

to all the possibilities.

Indeed, it's true.

You know, you should

really wear more color

to kind of lift your face.

- Look at this, for instance.

- Oh.

Put this shirt...

now what does that shirt say?

- That shirt says...

- Too much.

..."look at me. "

- It certainly does.

You know, your shirt

doesn't say anything at all.

See what I mean?

Actually, Miss Duke, there is

one thing of yours that I love.

- It's that scarf there.

- Oh.

- I think that's the most beautiful...

- Well, yeah, let's see.

Uh-huh, that brings out

the blue in your baby blues.

- It does?

- Mm-hm.

What about my eyes?

- What about them?

- The shadow.

- You look great.

- Mm.

May... um, maybe it's

a bit strong.

- Really?

- Just at the corner.

- May I?

- Yes.

Just smudge it out a bit.

There, like that.

- Mm.

- That looks great.

Maybe you should

wear a little eye shadow.

- No, I shouldn't.

- Just a touch.

- I don't think I should.

- You could try it.

What do you think of this?

I think it's gorgeous.

Okay, why don't you press it?

Um, Miss Duke?

I wondered if I could have next

Thursday evening off?

Why?

Just personal reasons.

You know that Maltese cross

that I brought back from Paris?

Yeah, it's in the safe.

How do think that would go?

With this?

It would, yeah, absolutely would.

Well, when you say personal,

what do you mean?

I mean, do you have to go to a funeral

or have a procedure or?

It's just,

I have a date, sort of.

Really?

Where did you meet?

- I haven't met him yet.

- It's a blind date?

Yeah, well, through the personals.

- "Irish Echo. "

- "Village Voice. "

How uncharacteristically

daring of you, Lafferty.

Are you a stone or a sponge?

- Oh, never mind.

- What, excuse me?

Well no, don't answer.

Never mind.

Permission granted.

Miss Duke, thanks very much.

I appreciate it.

I'll have this pressed at once.

Oh oh oh oh oh... scarf.

Oh, excuse me.

- Bravo.

- I so love that one.

- Oh my God.

- You sounded great, Miss Duke.

Peggy Lee couldn't

do it better herself.

She could and she did

and you know it.

'Cause Bernard used to

work for Miss Lee.

- Is that right?

- No, I just made the phone calls,

and I booked her rooms,

and I held the umbrellas,

and I opened the doors,

that sort of thing, you know.

- Want some more champagne?

- Please.

Thank you.

Now I heard that song

for the first time

in Las Vegas

at Caesar's Palace.

That's a real

crowd-pleaser, that song.

Mm, mm.

What was the one that

she did about the masochist?

- I don't know, what song is that?

- You know.

Where the guy is treating her horribly

and she's just loving it.

That sounds like

the story of my life.

- No, it's my life.

- No, it's my life.

- It is not your life.

- No, it is my life.

I think it's all of our lives.

Well, go ahead, sing it.

- Now?

- Now.

We only have now.

Uh, wait a minute...

That's it.

You have to imagine a wee black dress

on me with a million sequins.

What's the key?

Get the f*** out of here!

What's the big deal?

We both f*** other people.

Yeah, but you don't f***

my staff in my house on my dime!

All right, I'm sorry.

I was high and I was drunk.

- Get the f*** out!

- Why are you acting so crazy?

- Let's just talk about this.

- Get out!

- It won't happen again.

- Get out!

Back-stabbing son of a b*tch!

Bye.

Nothing makes me happier

than the scent of orchids.

Not even sex.

The one I'm really

gonna miss is Paloma.

Nobody could clean

like that woman.

You know the...

that picture where Marilyn

is crazy for guys

that play the saxophone?

Well, that's me with piano players.

Mechanics.

- Really?

- Sweaty guy with his head

under the hood, intent on

his work with his hands all oily.

Mm.

How many mechanics

have you actually had?

None.

- Oh, Lafferty.

- I'm always afraid to make a move.

They might beat me

to death with a monkey wrench.

No, see, that would make them

much more appealing to me.

How was your date?

You don't have to pretend

to be interested, Miss Duke.

No, I really am interested.

Was he a mechanic?

No, he wasn't.

He was something in sales.

Pressed shirt

and nice clean hands.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Was he cute at least?

I wouldn't say cute exactly.

More... more like promising.

What happened? Here.

Well, we talked

and we had a few drinks.

And I talked some more

and then, you know, "Here's me

in 10 easy-to-assemble pieces. "

We have absolutely

nothing in common.

So you struck out.

I did, yeah. It was something

of a relief, I have to say.

Oh.

On my honeymoon...

the first honeymoon...

- That would be with...

- The first guy.

- Rubirosa?

- No, the first one.

Oh God, that guy

had a body.

He's still one of

my dirtiest fantasies, actually.

I just couldn't wait

to get him in bed and...

Jimmy came toward me,

I was swooning.

He was naked,

stiff as a board,

and scooped me up

in his arms and he said,

"Doris, I've been wondering,

how much is

my annual allowance gonna be?"

- He didn't say that.

- He did say that.

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