Bernie

l`m very

honored to introduce

our guest lecturer today.

He graduated from here

about 15 years ago.

He `s gone on to a fabulous career.

I can `t think of a single

person who `s more qualified

or more adept at the final procedures

you`ve been studying lately.

Now you`ve learned the science,

now`s your chance to learn the art.

Students, Mr. Bernie Tiede.

Thank you, Professor.

Thank you.

It`s always an honor to be asked back

and I do it gladly because I feel..

if even one thing I

say or demonstrate today

helps you in any way as

you embark on your careers,

then everyone will have benefited.

You, those who are grieving,

and the deceased.

The nails have to be clipped,

shaped and brought back to life.

And you must cast the

nails to the person.

You wouldn`t want a mechanic

to have the nails of a flight attendant.

Would you?

It is very important to

remove any unwanted nasal,

ear, or facial hair.

We can never be too vigilant

in the Iookout for that

one stray rogue hair.

The eyes are often a minor problem

because they usually want to stay open.

It`s almost Iike they want one

Iast Iook at this miraculous world.

But with some Super GIue..

a Iittle dab will do you..

and it`s no more peeking.

Even though the features have

been set during the embalming,

you have to reassess and readjust

because of continuing

emaciation and dehydration.

Perfect expression of the mouth

would be relaxed, natural,

with a Iittle bit of a smile.

Can`t have him Iooking

unhappy to be there.

And we must always be on guard

for the mischievous lip drift.

Even the slightest hint

of teeth can be disastrous.

You cannot have grief

tragically become a comedy.

Then, after a foundation

mixed with massage cream

to prevent dehydration,

even out coloration,

then apply highlights.

Do not over-cosmetize.

Most of those who service the

deceased apply far too much blush.

Just a note to always remember:

too much color does not

make one Iook more alive.

The last detail to be managed

is the deceased`s body position.

Left hand over the right,

over the umbilicus,

in an attitude of ease,

of repose, of retirement.

The position of the

head is oh so important.

Neither star gazing

nor navel gazing,

but perfectly centered,

turned ever so slightly to the right..

in greeting.

He`s now been cosmetized,

he`s ready to be dressed,

and casketed.

? Love Iifted me! ?

? Love Iifted me! ?

? Looove Iifted meee! ?

? I was sinking Deep in sin ?

? Off on the peaceful shore ?

? Buried deeply staying within ?

? sinking to rise no more ?

? But the master Of the sea ?

? Heard my despairing cry ?

Bernie was a very charismatic man.

A Ioving person.

And he had the ability to

make the world seem kind.

? Love Iooked at me ?

? When nothing else Could help ?

? Love lifted me ?

? Love Iifted me ?

Real good with people,

a real people person,

always had his hand

out, ready to shake it,

never met a stranger, good with names,

good with questions.

He could remember if your

daughter was at Texas,

and your son was at A&M.

He`d remember that and he`d ask

you questions about those kids.

Just made you feel real

good about yourself.

? When nothing else could help now ?

? Love Iifted me ?

? Souls in danger Look above ?

? Jesus completely saves ?

? He will Iift you By his Iove ?

? Out of the angry ways ?

? He`s the master of the sea ?

If the people in Carthage were

to make a Iist of those people

that they thought would get to heaven,

I am sure that Bernie would be

right at the top of the Iist.

? Love Iifted me ?

? When nothing EIse could help ?

? Now Iove Iifted me ?

His personality was,

just, Iike, magnetic, okay?

So people were drawn

to him all the time.

And because of that, that personality,

before too Iong, he was the

most popular man in Carthage.

? Love Iifted me Love Iifted me ?

? Looove Iifted meee ?

Carthage is in east Texas.

And it`s totally different

from the rest of Texas,

which could be five

different states, actually.

You got your west T exas out

there with a bunch of flat ranches.

Up north, you got them Dallas

snobs with their Mercedes,

and then you got Houston,

the carcinogenic coast

all the way up to Louisiana.

Then down south, San Antonio, uh,

that`s where the Tex meets the Mex.

Like the food.

And then in central Texas,

you got the People`s Republic of Austin

with a bunch of hairy-Iegged

women and Iiberal fruitcakes.

Of course, I Ieft out the panhandle,

and a Iot of people do, but..

Carthage..this is

where the south begins.

This is Iife behind the pine curtain.

And, and, and truth be

known, it`s a good place.

Carthage has such a good reputation

that it`s Iisted in The Best

small Towns of America, volume Two

as the best small town in T exas.

That`s right. Page 1 57.

Oh, hell, most people Iive in

Carthage because they were born here.

Carthage sits on what was once one of

the biggest gas fields in the world.

Back in the gas boom of the 40s and 50s,

a lot of people got rich around here.

Well, as I recall,

we were gonna get a lot

of the older people in town

Ieaving for the sweet hereafter,

and we got a Iittle

backed up in the cold room,

um..frankly, I was

Iooking for some help.

Bernie must`ve seen an ad or something.

He called from Louisiana and

I hired him over the phone,

not fully knowing what to expect.

These are our viewing rooms.

Oh, Iook at that, you`ve

got these partitions.

That`s so nice.

So, you got your associate`s

degree in Mortuary Science at State?

Yes, sir.

PIay any ball over there?

Uh, no no, sir.

I wanted to concentrate on my studies,

as much as I Ioved football and whatnot.

Now here`s our sanctuary.

It`II seat one twenty five.

Look at these green

benches. I Iove them.

Yeah, we changed those.

We had them normal brown for so Iong

and I was a Iittle worried

about this green. I don`t know.

People don`t complain.

I..I don`t either, I

think they`re great.

Oh, I hit the jackpot with that guy.

He`s the most qualified

young man I ever met.

He was excellent at removals,

an artist in the embalming room,

could fix hair like

nobody in the business.

Waited well on the families

in the morning parlor,

could sing like a bird.

He ran a funeral like a professional,

any aspect of the funeral business :

eulogizing, scripture reading,

singing..man, he could do it.

But most of all,

we `re gonna remember

Fred as our friend.

Our..really..close..friend.

? Amazing grace ?

? How sweet the sound ?

? That saved a wretch ?

? Like me ?

I`II walk you to your car.

You poor thing.

This is so hard.

It`s just so hard.

You`re very brave.

Here now.

Oh, honey,

he was a magician.

He made all of us just Iook beautiful.

I mean, he could make your

wrinkles all just go away,

and he would, if, if you had a overbite,

he`d fix it so it wouldn`t

be so sticky outie.

And he would, um.. take a

bouquet of small white roses

and put it in your hand.

I mean, he just made

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