Bernie Page #2

everybody Iook so beautiful.

Except too bad you were dead.

It seemed Iike no matter

what happened to us,

whether it was car

wrecks or heart attacks

or household poisons, or guns Ieft

Iocked and Ioaded around the house,

or choking on a Iittle piece of meat,

in the end, he always made us Iook good.

Oh, you name the song, he`d sing it.

If country folks came in requesting

an old gospel, he`d sing it.

Or trailer trash came in

requesting Loretta Lynn,

he`d sing that, too.

But as great as Bernie was

at performing a service,

he was even better at sales.

If you pardon my reach, Mrs. Thompson,

this is a memory drawer.

It wasn`t bullshit, he really believed

that all those little

touches were necessary.

He even came up with this idea:

for 1 50 extra..

``Oh, that I had wings Iike a dove,

I would fly away and be at rest.``

At this moment, as the casket

descends into the ground,

we now release a white dove

symbolizing Mr. Callahan`s soul..

passing on to the next world,

to the mystery of the great beyond.

Yes, I agree,

that is a Iot of money

to put down in advance.

But there`s a right way and

a wrong way to approach this.

It was his idea to put up

more crosses on the wall

and change the lighting,

make it feel more like a

church or a sacred place,

Iess like a business or an office.

Were you thinking

interment or cremation?

I beg your pardon?

He means buried or burned.

Buried. We already have the plots.

I am so happy for you.

Can I tell you, I am

not fond of cremations.

I just don`t Iike the idea

of someone spending eternity

in something the size

of a motel ice bucket.

I`d just soon drop you in a ditch

by the side of the road.

Hey.

I want to keep it simple.

Yeah, this is..this is fine.

- I see.

- Yeah.

Now, these composite wood with

cloth we sell mostly to the county

to bury the unclaimed, the indigent,

and also no warranty, of course.

Warranty?

Oh, with our better caskets,

we, uh, guarantee that your remains

will be untouched by

rainwater, pesky insects,

burrowing animals searching for food..

AIso, now tall are you, Mr. Eccles?

About 6`2``.

Oh, dear.

These economy boxes are not very Iarge.

We may have to make a Ieg

adjustment to get a proper fit.

Leg adjustment?

Well, not necessarily break

the Iegs but definitely

- bend the feet..

- No! No,

I..I won`t have it.

Then may I suggest..

the Corinthian.

? Just as I am ?

? Without one ?

I`m pretty sure the first

time Bernie met Mrs. Nugent

was at the time of Mr. Nugent`s funeral.

? Was shared for me ?

? And that thou be come ?

Her husband, Dwayne,

he was just a tough old typical old man.

And he Iiked to do

business just a handshake,

He would say things like..

I`II

guaran-damn-tee yah..

He was some kind of exploration

guy with a big oil company

and he made a whole Iot

of money back in the 60s.

He was too tight to spend any of it

but he Iiked to invest his

money in everything he could.

? T o thee who`s blood can cleanse ?

? Each spot o` Iand ?

As a matter of fact, he even

bought a bank here in town.

I believe it was `87,

he bought the bank.

He run that sucker with a hard fist.

Just, I mean, he was kinda..

abrupt, and the way..

I appreciate it.

the way he done business and stuff.

Of course, then after he

died, well, then she took over

and she started having

a position that he had

and if it was said that he was kinda

disliked in the way he did business,

you`d have to say that

she was literally hated,

`cause that old heifer,

she turned down Ioans just for a hobby.

She was just a mean old hateful b*tch.

Hey. There`s just no

other way to put it.

She wasn`t friendly.

She..she really wasn`t,

and she probably.. there

are people in town, honey,

that woulda shot her for

five dollars, ya know?

I mean, when you Iive in a small town,

you`ve got to be friendly

and nice to folks.

She would chew your ass

at the drop of a hat.

I mean, she`d rip you a brand new

three bedroom two bath double

wide a**hole. No problem.

In the fourteenth chapter

of the book of John,

Jesus said, ``Let not

your heart be troubled.``

Well, I heard that she hadn`t talked

to her sisters in over 20 years

but when the mother died,

she was right in there fightin ` them

over quilts and chairs.

Can you believe that?

And one of the sisters even wanted

to donate land to the church,

but she interfered

because she didn `t want

the church to have it.

She didn`t Iike that pastor.

He wore Bermuda shorts on his day off.

Friends and Ioved ones..

Everybody in town

knew that Mr. and Mrs.

Nugent weren`t exactly friends

with their son Dwayne

Junior and his family.

He was a doctor out in Middleton,

almost never came to visit.

One of his daughters had

actually sued her grandparents

trying to get at the

money in that trust.

That made her so mad she never

spoke to any of them again.

Let us pray.

Marjorie Nugent. she was..

not a very nice Iady

and her nose was so high

she`d drown in a rainstorm.

Mrs. Margy, she was the kind of person

that I believe she was born old.

She was just born with this prune face.

That`s pretty much the

impression people got from her.

I got a buddy of mine, Louie.

He`s a decent fellow I work for.

Mrs. Nugent took a

broom to his ass one day.

Would you Iike me to get

up and do the back in there?

- Get out.

- Ooh.

Oh.

- Beautiful service.

- Thank you.

- I`II see you on Sunday.

- Thank you very much.

He was great

with the D-L-O-Ls.

That`s what we all called the

``dear little old ladies. ``

All the widows in town

had crushes on Bernie.

Just thought I `d bring you a hankie.

Oh, yeah, old Bernie.

H e Ioved to hug and

kiss on those older women.

At his age now, they were Iucky

to get the time of day from him.

Hi.

Hi, Mrs. Nugent, I just, uh..

wanted you to know I

was thinking about you.

- These times can be hard.

- Oh, thank you.

Okay.

I never asked him to do this and

he wasn`t getting paid to do it,

but he would always stop

by and check on the widows

after he `d done their

husbands ` funerals.

He just really cared about them.

I mean, that guy was just a sweet guy,

and they just Ioved him to death.

Room service.

Hi, l`m just dropping

by again, Mrs. Nugent,

to pay my respects.

I brought you some soaps

and a Iittle bubble bath

to soothe you in the tub,

and some chocolate cupcakes

for a Iate night snack.

Come in.

Oh! That..would be my pleasure.

In high school I wanted

to be an evangelist

to save the souls of my fellow students.

A Iot of them were

starting to drink and smoke

and ride motorcycles

and have premarital sexual

experiences and all that.

- Oh, yes please!

- Here you go, Bernie.

Thank you, Esmeralda.

When.

Miss Marjorie?

One time I got four teenagers

to re-dedicate their Iives to Jesus,

but eventually I realized I was meant

for other equally important things.

Oh, please, Bernie,

touching all those cold

bloated bodies. PIease!

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