Bernie Page #3

Don`t you think you were

meant to do something more?

No, no, no, no, Mrs. Nugent.

It isn`t bad at all.

Their souls are already with the

Lord by the time I`m involved.

It`s just my way to serve

and show respect for the lives they led

and comfort all the Ioved ones

that they Ieave behind.

Well.

And some day, if I`m Iucky,

many many years from now,

I will give you such

a beautiful funeral..

with all the roses in East Texas.

I know it`II be the event

of the season in Carthage.

You know, I think

that Bernie was the one

that got Marjorie back to

church after her husband died.

Well,

I know the Bible says

Jesus turned water into wine,

but it didn`t say Iiquor store wine.

It had to have been non-alcoholic wine,

because it didn`t have time to ferment.

If Jesus could walk on the water,

he could make any kind

of wine he wanted to.

Fermented or not.

Right on the spot.

Morning, ladies.

Sorry to interrupt.

Mrs. Marjorie, it is so good to

have you with us this morning.

I just want to put a

bug in your ear now.

Many of you know we`re

hoping to start construction

on our new prayer wing soon.

Mmm.

Well, l`m hoping l can

count on a few of you

to join the fundraising committee. Okay?

Think about it, now. God bless you.

? This is

my story This is my song ?

? Praising my savior AII the day Iong ?

? This is my story This is my song ?

? Praising my savior AII the day Iong ?

? Perfect

submission Perfect delight ?

? Visions of rapture

Now burst on my sight ?

? Angels descending Bring from above ?

? Echoes of mercy Whispers of love ?

? This is my story This is my song ?

? Praising my savior AII the day Iong ?

Uh-uh,

no, we `ll take my car.

No, I insist.

Don`t be silly, Bernie.

Good, I`II see you Saturday afternoon.

I`m..I`m Iooking forward to it, too.

Okay, Mrs. Nugent, bye.

Oh, so sweet.

That was Bernie Tiede, the

assistant funeral director.

He`s very sweet and very nice to me.

Can`t think of anyone who`s

been that nice to me in 50 years.

Now, you!

You`ve got two minutes to

explain these accounts to me.

Or three minutes from now

I just might get myself

another stockbroker.

I can explain everything, Miss Marjorie.

It`s a very simple case of them

changing their accounting statements.

They changed their

formatting, it`s re-formatted..

in a different format.

Hey, listen.

I couldn`t help but hear

the end of that conversation.

I gotta tell you, Bernie,

you have got to be about

the bravest man in this town.

She isn`t all that

mean Iike everyone says.

Now you sure about that?

Well, she doesn`t have anyone, Don.

She`s a very Ionely

person. She needs someone.

I`ve asked her to

accompany me this Saturday

to the Van CIyburn Piano

Competition in Fort Worth.

Well, have fun.

Ain`t Iike she`s the

richest widow in town.

Hell, maybe she`II

even pay for everything.

- Don!

- Hey..

And if she does offer

to pay for everything,

order up a couple of them

bottles of Dom Perignon.

You get her Iiquored up,

you might get Iucky.

No, Don!

He sincerely believed that..

it was better to give than to receive.

Well, Bernie had a problem with money.

He was generous. some

folks say overly generous.

What he was was a buy-aholic.

And, uh..hell, he `d walk into a store,

seen something he

Iiked, he`d buy the store

out of every goddamn item he wanted

and give the sh*t away.

And that`s crazy.

But that Bernie, he Iiked

to make people smile.

He wanted friends.

Acceptance, I guess,

is what you call it.

And Bernie could do just about anything.

I mean, he could hang

wallpaper in people`s houses,

and I`ve never seen any man do this,

but he could make curtains for people

and he was the head honcho

for the Chamber of Commerce

Christmas decorating committee.

That`s a big thing in

Carthage, too, a big thing.

Bernie was really smart.

H e helped people do their

tax returns, you know,

financial counseling..

Anything that you pay for on the job

that the company, the oil company

doesn`t reimburse you for,

that`s a tax deduction.

So, for instance, Toby,

these work coveralls,

did the company provide you with these?

No, we got to buy our own.

Bingo. That is a tax deduction.

And how about your Iunch buckets

and your steel toe workboots,

they give you those?

- Why, hell no.

- That`s what I thought.

- You kidding

me? - Uh-uh.

That`s tax deduction

number two and three.

Thank

you, sheriff Huckabee.

You`re listening to KGAs,

the heartbeat of East Texas.

Now before we get to the

school cafeteria menu,

and the wedding

anniversaries for the week,

here`s Bernie Tiede from

Leggett Funeral Home.

Thank you, Jerry.

As some of you are already aware,

Mr. Harvey Gunnolds Ieft

this world all too soon

this past Wednesday after

a brief hospital stay.

I used to Iove having him on the air.

I mean, every Friday people

would tune in just to hear Bernie.

And when he did the obituaries,

it wasn`t Iike a so-and-so was

survived by so-and-so kind of thing.

It was..Iet`s see if I can remember..

Left in sorrow to mourn the

passing of the beloved Mr. Gunnolds

are Mima Gunnolds, his mother, Georgia..

And the way he would make

them ``Iook good`` in death,

well, he`d make them sound good, too.

Like Gunnolds was a drunk,

always startin` sh*t wherever he went.

He finally got himself

killed in a pool hall.

Now how do you say something

nice about somebody Iike that?

Well, to Bernie, it

was, ``He was known..``

..for his social engagements and his..

conversational abilities..

A kid would wrap his car around a tree

and with Bernie it was..

..and yet, death slipped

up on young Mr. Shotwell,

as gentle as a fallen mist.

What happened?

I regret to inform you

that four of your classmates

have just been killed.

Now this is gonna happen to you

if you drink and drive.

Is this what you want to happen to you?

It didn`t

make no difference what it was

or who ask it, if it was

good for the community,

Bernie `d give it all he had.

All the time.

He was very serious about

his commitment to Carthage.

Life is so beautiful,

every moment a miracle,

and yet in a blink it`s gone.

T oo young.

T oo young!

Oh, he really had a way of

bringing the community together.

Not just at the funerals

and at the church,

he organized a ``Beautify

Carthage`` campaign,

and he put on the very first

East T exas art festival

and invited artists from

all around the region

to display their works.

Are these all..?

I`m sorry to stop you, are

these all done with that..

the, uh, what`s that called?

It`s all chain saw.

How do you do that?

I wake up in the morning with an idea

and cut away everything

that ain`t that idea.

Can I talk to you at some time?

- Do you have a card?

- Yeah.

Because I have an idea I

would Iove to commission.

I don`t know if you work that way, but..

Look at that card, he

put it on a piece of wood.

- I`m gonna call you.

- AIright.

- You`re a gem.

- Thank you.

Thank you. Okay.

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