Bernie Page #4

- See you Iater.

- Bye.

Oh, yeah, Bernie took her everywhere.

He took her to the Van

CIyburn Competition,

took her up to the junior college

to see some of the rehearsals of shows

that he was working on.

Oh, yeah, he always had Mrs. Nugent.

? I`ve never Been in Iove before ?

? Now all at once it`s you ?

? It`s you forever more ?

? l`ve never been In love before ?

? I thought my Heart was safe ?

He had come to

a production in a local theater,

and he thought it could be better

so he volunteered to help out

and pretty soon he was the

musical director for one show,

a director in another one,

and an actor in almost all of them.

He just had a real knack for drama.

? PIease forgive this

H elpless haze I `m in ?

? I `ve really never been ?

? In Iove before ?

??

? l`ve

never been In love before ?

? Now all I want to be ??

I saw them at a restaurant one time.

They was out to Iunch together, and he

reached over and kissed her on the cheek.

But it wasn`t a kiss Iike you

give your momma or your grandma.

It was more of a romantic,

sexual kiss to me, you know?

He had that graoning sound in the back

of his voice. It was kinda strange.

It just didn`t Iook right to me.

The word was it wasn`t

a week after the funeral

Mrs. Nugent gave Bernie Mr.

Nugent`s $1 2,000 Rolex watch.

Hell, for that kinda money,

I bet he did kiss her.

In a small town, people will always

suspect the worst of someone.

But they`II also suspect the best.

So we just thought they were companions.

Look, it was widely assumed

that Mrs. Nugent was paying Bernie

to ``accompany her`` places.

Oh, I`d estimate they spent

nearly a hundred thousand

a year on vacations.

They went to Russia,

Acapulco, New York City.

They went to Europe on the Queen Mary,

always first class, always some spa,

some resort, some..sittin` in some

hot spring mineral peeling water bath.

Margy

looked so much better.

You see pictures of her

on these trips with Bernie.

she had nice hair, she looked good,

she seemed happy,

and she had Bernie to thank for that.

Marjorie realized she had

everything in front of her.

she could do anything

she wanted in her life,

and she wanted to travel.

Money was no object

but unfortunately, she

had no friends or family

that she wanted to travel with.

Until she met Bernie.

Hey, I `II tell you one thing for sure.

On that trip to Belize,

they stayed in the same room.

And you know damn right well

they saw each other in their underwear.

And I know for sure

that when she went to Shreveport,

to get some sexy Iingerie

at Doris` Iingerie shop,

she got herself a see through nightgown

that showed her breasts.

I mean, give me a break.

What is a woman her age

wanting to do showing her b*obs?

Seriously.

Disgusting.

Bernie was a Iittle effeminate.

I mean, an unmarried

man in his Iate 30s,

going to all the musicals with

a bunch of old blue-hairs..

Ah! You know, I heard that he was gay,

but he was such a good Christian man,

everybody thought, you

know, how could that be?

That dog don`t hunt. Nah.

There was always talk about Bernie being

a Iittle Iight in the Ioafers but..

I always thought he was celibate.

He was a nice-Iooking man and there

were Iots of girls in the community

who would`ve Ioved to

have a date with him,

but he never seemed to

show much interest in that.

He stayed busy all the

time and was working.

He had a tendency to hold on

to another man`s hands, touched

too Iong after shaking it,

and he had a subscription

to men`s fitness magazine.

Now if you`ve ever seen Bernie

Tedie, you know darn well

it wasn`t for the workout tips.

And when you see him around town,

if he wasn`t at the church or

at work in the funeral home,

he would always be where we these

doggone hemmed, starched shorts.

With his belt Iine.. above the navel.

And the kicker is he

always wore sandals.

Our Lord and Savior always wore sandals

and he never married.

And he had 1 2 disciples

and I don`t think any

of them ever married.

And the apostle Paul, he

was a Iifelong bachelor.

And you never heard

anybody in the New Testament

say that they was a bunch of queers.

No.

No, he had homosexual relations.

I know that for a fact.

This ain`t San Francisco,

so around here we got a Iot

of ``closet homosexuals.``

And I know of at Ieast two men

that he had relationships with

that were heterosexual.

Were.

Now one of the main things

and why I have this job,

and why I feel like l`m good at it is,

you see, l`m naturally suspicious.

Sometimes I find myself waking

up in the middle of the night.

I`II be staring off

out through the backyard

into the woods and I..

I`II be thinking about

all the crime and mayhem

happening out there,

and that`s..that`s when I start

putting it together in my mind.

I stop the criminal.

I wait, I watch,

and I Iisten.

When the time`s just right..

that`s when I pounce.

Ain`t nothing I enjoy more

than the sound of a criminal

that`s just wriggling

on the end of my hook, hey, you know,

and folks Iike to see the D.A. at work.

But no county ain`t gonna hire a D.A.

who doesn`t know that

this is a full time job.

AII the time.

One thing Danny Bucks is good at

is getting Danny Buck re-elected.

And he gets his Iittle

photo ops in the paper,

busting up the copper

rings or the hub-cap rings,

or the meth Iabs, but in slow times,

Danny Buck be out digging up some sh*t.

Let me show y`all something.

You`re gonna Iove this.

I call this my wheel of misfortune.

Now what I`ve done is,

I`ve assigned numbers

to all the suspected

drug dealers around here.

If your number comes up,

number eight, Danny Buck`s

come to get you first.

And not one of you dope

pushers is gonna get away.

Not one.

The best trick I ever pulled

is the time I arrested

five deadbeat dads

all at the same time.

You see, I was having

trouble finding them.

Actually, what I did is I used the

annual hands on a hardbody contest

the one at the Dodge dealership on 79?

People were standing

around for days and days

with their hands on the pick up truck,

and the last one with their

hand on the truck wins it.

What I did, is I got a rig

where they invited these five dads

who aren`t paying child support.

I figured the idea of a new truck

might get `em to come out of hiding.

Did it work?

You bet your butt it did.

Hey, get him!

I think we`d Iike to move

some out of financials

and into technologies,

maybe a Iittle more Apple.

And we`d Iike to get a thousand

shares of Tommy Hilfiger.

I got a sneak-a-peek at

the new Iine for the..

What is this ``we`d

like to``part, Bernie?

What do you know about

stocks and investing?

Let me remind you: you bury people.

You`re a mortician. You`re

not an investment advisor.

No one uses the word

``mortician`` anymore, LIoyd.

It`s ``funeral director.``

Or in your case

assistantfuneral director.

We just thought you were being a Iittle

conservative with Marjorie`s account.

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