Bernie Page #5

Hello? LIoyd?

He hung up. Whoa.

No.

Something crawled up his butt.

This is LIoyd.

LIoyd! Don`t you ever, ever

speak to Bernie Iike that again,

or I`II be moving my account.

I`m sorry, I got a

Iittle frustrated and I..

Don`t be sorry, just don`t do it.

Well.

I have

a son and four grandchildren

some of whom have threatened to sue me

and have actually sued me

and none of them visit or

appear to care about me.

Also my son is a physician

and amply provides for his family.

For the reasons stated,

I am not including them as

beneficiaries under my will.

I give, devise and

bequeath my entire estate,

real, personal and mixed,

onto Bernhardt Tiede the

second, outright and simple.

T o Iife.

Oh, thank you, Crystal.

H ere you go.

Cheers.

Give pills, give me my pills, Bernie.

Pardon me?

You know I have to take

my pills before eating.

You were supposed to bring them,

so where are they? Give them to me.

I`m sorry, Marjorie, there must

have been a Iittle misunderstanding.

I`d be happy to go to

your room and get them.

Excellent!

Okay.

Okay.

she put his

name on all her bank accounts,

and then she gave him

a power of attorney,

which meant he could spend

her money any way he wanted to.

And he did.

Been on the Iine for a while.

Won`t Iet go.

Hello, Marjorie, I..

I`m sorry, I`m sorry,

I thought I told you

what I was doing this morning.

Well, I don`t have my phone on

while I am up there. You know that.

I`m sure we won`t be Iate for Iunch,

but I`m on my way.

Okay. Bye-bye.

- This is my Iife.

- Okay.

Somewhere along the way,

Mrs. Nugent convinced Bernie to

go to part time at the funeral home

and go working full-time for her.

She got rid of all the usual help

and it was just Bernie.

He was her business

manager, travel companion,

her servant.

Bernie! You should`ve

been here hours ago!

But we still have time. We`II

be there on time, Marjorie.

I need you to go by the

cleaners and pick up my dress.

Now I`ve got to wear something else.

You fooling around with those

damn planes all the time, Bernie.

I told you I was going to be..

Okay, you told me. What

good does that do me?

Things change and I needed you here.

And because you never Ieave

your cell phone on all the time,

this is a pager.

You`re going to wear it on your

person at all times, correct?

- Correct.

- Go get me a dress.

- Okay.

- Hurry. Hurry.

Hurry, hurry. Hurry, hurry.

Ugh.

Marjorie, please.

I can understand chewing

each bite of some food

but I don`t think you have to chew

your refried beans that many times.

It doesn`t really make sense.

It`s unnecessary additional

work for your jaws.

Think of your poor TMJ muscle.

It can`t be good for it.

It`s inefficient. Think about it.

You this drives me crazy. PIease stop.

This is Iike nails on a chalkboard.

Okay, go ahead, chew Iike

that, chew Iike that all day.

Ah!

Well, Bernie was so nice,

so accommodating,

so willing to keep from

hurting other people`s feelings,

he just couldn`t tell

anybody to piss off.

Bernie, l`m still waiting.

Would you rather hear

``Drama in Real Life? ``

``Tips for Better

Summer T omatoes`` or..

Tips for Better Summer T omatoes.

``The best summer tomatoes..

she was demanding,

condescending,

even conniving.

And she had intentionally put

him in a dependent position.

She was jealous of his time,

envious of his community status,

and..overly generous to him.

So as to make him stick around.

so you just show

people around the boat?

All around the boat?

Yeah, I give tours.

And I bartend in the captain`s cabin.

- Oh, you have a Iot of jobs.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You`re a jack of all trades.

It`s good though. The money`s good.

Not bad. And you get

to see the world, right?

- Yeah, we do.

- That`s cool.

- Yeah.

- Marjorie?

This is Kevin who works here.

Hello, Mrs. Nugent.

Bernie, we`re scheduled to be there now.

- I`m ready. Okay.

- Be still.

Okay. Do you want me to get this?

- Stop asking questions.

- Okay, you got it.

- Thank you.

- Good, good.

- Let`s go.

- Thank you.

- Let`s go, Iet`s go, Iet`s go.

- Nice talking to you.

- See you, Bernie. -

Yeah. Okay, bye-bye.

Okay, you

want to Iook right down the Iens

and say ``Egypt. ``

Egypt.

Okay.

Okay, everybody, Iet`s work on the

arrival of the Wells Fargo Wagon.

This wagon has all of

our instruments on it

so we`re very excited about it..

Uh-oh, hold on.

Grrr. So I want to have

a pulse on each beat,

and I want to have everybody`s

eyeline on the horizon

going Iike this and I

want some people to do this

because everyone`s doing this right now.

It`s Iooking a Iittle too uniform, okay?

One, two, three, four and oh!

And ho! That`s it. Okay.

Very good, relax the pose.

This is only going to take a second.

If I don`t call her, she

will give me Iiving hell.

Hello, Marjorie, how are you?

Mm-hm. Can I bring you anything?

Can it wait till right after rehearsal?

We got another 40..

Okay, right away. I`II be there.

Bye-bye.

Can you clean this up?

I have to go right away. Thank you.

How`s it going, Carl?

OId Mrs. Nugent just fired me.

What happened?

She said I stole a Iawn mower.

Snuck it out to my place in Niggertown.

What?

Why does she think that?

Oh, she saw me Ieave with it,

I was taking it to get it fixed.

Let me talk to her, okay Carl?

Don`t go getting a new job just yet.

Okay. But I ain`t going back up there.

Not today anyway.

I don`t blame you.

I will get to the bottom of it

and I will call you back. Okay?

So sorry about this.

AIright.

Oh, you just pop up whenever

it`s convenient for you!

Just when you think it`s fine for you,

you come! Well, fine fine, fine, fine!

What happened with Carl?

I got rid of him! I

caught him red handed!

God knows what else he`s

been stealing from me, Bernie!

He says he was gonna get it fixed.

- That`s what he says.

- Well, I don`t think Carl..

And those flowers he`s

supposedly planted,

they were supposed to

bloom two weeks ago.

He`s a Iazy good fer nothin`.

The man`s never done anything!

I don`t think that he would

ever do anything Iike..

Why are you stickin` up for his kind?

Marjorie, you`re making it

very hard to be your friend.

I`m gonna come back some other time.

Oh, just go ahead, desert me.

Just Iike everybody else, go

ahead, go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.

Go, go, go! You hate me!

Marjorie, I am not going to take part

in this argument. You know.

- I know you hate me!

- No!

Like everybody else!

Oh.

Basically, it was like

Bernie became her property.

You`II never Ieave me. Never.

He was her sole source of entertainment,

had to do everything for her.

I truly believe the guy felt

he was smothered, choked,

unable to get his wind.

I don`t know how the guy stood it. Well.

Come on, just pull the damn trigger.

I don`t think I can. It

doesn`t feel aimed right.

Look, Iook, all I want

is for you to shoot that armadillo

that is digging up my garden, okay?

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