Best Laid Plans Page #5

OK. So the trick is|to steal it from a house

with an elaborate alarm system

and a house-sitter who's not|allowed to invite anyone over

without having it reported|stolen for at least two months?

And without|getting caught.

So how well|do you know Bryce?

If you're asking|can we bring him in on it,

no, I don't think so.

You don't trust him.

Our sophomore year|in college,

he cheated|on a midterm exam.

He got caught,|he confessed,

and he gave up the other|two guys, as well.

So we got to steal|the thing outright

So we got to steal|the thing outright

and somehow make sure|Bryce doesn't report it.

He's got to believe that he's|going to get in more trouble

reporting it than not.

How?

Make him think|he committed a crime.

Murder's the obvious choice.

How do you convince somebody|he's a murderer?

Other crimes--|arson, burglary, rape.

How do you convince him|that he did that?

What?

Well...

You can make it|statutory.

You want me|to lay your friend?

No! No, of course|I don't.

You f*** him, Nick.

Liss...

And after that,|you know who else you can.

Liss, come on!

[Door Closes]

[Telephone Rings]

Answering Machine: This is Nick.|Leave a message.

[Beep]

Man:
Tick-tock,|tick-tock,

the mouse ran out the clock,|motherf***er.

[Beep]

[Truck Drives Off]

Ohh!

God.

Nick?

Oh, my God.

OK.

OK. I'll do it.

Oh, Liss.

I'm sorry.

You f***ing bastard.

You know what you did.

You bastard.|You f***ing bastard!

You know what you did.

You bastard!

Nick:
Bryce, it's Nick.

Yeah. How are you?

Good. Good.

Listen, what are you|doing tomorrow night?

No, I got a place. It's called|the Tropico Nocturne.

Nocturne.

Wait. Hold on|one second.

[Telephone Beeps]

Hello.

Yeah, this is he.

Uh-huh. I'll have the money|Sunday morning.

OK. I'll be here.

Say no, and we'll

just call the whole|thing off right now.

Hmm?

Once you've given him

reasonable cause|for concern...

get the hell|out of there.

Wait for the cab|outside on the street,

not even|on the property.

OK.

Is that all?

Yeah, I think so.

I won't see you|until tomorrow night,

and I probably won't|come back here afterwards...

but I'll call you|as soon as it's over.

OK.

If that's|what you want, OK.

Nick.

Are you going to be|OKwith this?

I don't know.

I guess I have to be.|I want to be.

Liss.

Yeah.

Hi, this is me,|and I'm here,

just entertaining some|last-minute reservations.

I thought maybe|you'd want to stop by.

Calling your|girlfriend already?

Hey, have her set me up|with a friend.

I could use getting laid.|Hey, bring a friend!

[Sirens Passing]

Bryce:
I got|a joke for you.

There's this elephant|in the jungle,

and he's got a thorn|caught in his foot.

This mouse wanders by.

The elephant|stops him and says,

''I'll give you anything

if you take the thorn|out of my foot.''

The mouse goes, ''OK,|under one condition.

Afterward, I get|to f*** you up the ass.''

And the elephant|nods OK.

The mouse takes this|thorn out of his foot.

The mouse says, '' Hey,|we had an agreement.''

And the elephant|goes, ''OK.''

So the mouse jumps|on top of his back,

he starts|giving the elephant

his business, right?

And meanwhile,|there's a monkey

up above in the trees.

The monkey looks down,

and he sees this mouse|sodomizing this elephant,

and the monkey's|just disgusted.

And he's so upset

that he grabs a coconut|from the tree,

he hurls it|down at them,

the coconut hits the|elephant in the head,

the elephant|hollers in pain,

and the mouse says,|''That's right, baby.

Take it all!''|Ha ha ha!

No. No.

Yes. Yes.

I got to go|to the bathroom.

Ye of little bladder.

Can I set|a running tab, please?

Woman:
No problem.

Get out of here.

No.

Listen...

I love you.

Why do you think|I'm doing this?

Woman:
Thanks, hon.

[Giggling]

I know, I know. I have|a terrible drinking problem.

Whiskey doesn't|stain, does it?

I don't think so.

Well, it's a hand-me-down|anyway.

Brooks Brothers|handed it down to me.

You want to sit down?

It's only a college buddy|and me.

Sure.

I'm here|by myself, anyway.

I'm Bryce.

I'm Kathy.

Hi, Kathy.

You're back.|Kathy, this is Nick.

- Nick:
Hi.|- Hi.

Is this your seat?

Nope. Not anymore.

Could I get that|jacket from you?

Thanks. Bryce,|I'll see you later.

I'm going to go.

Is everything OK?

Yeah. I'm just|a little preoccupied.

No kidding. It's been discovered|that our friend here

is on a very short leash.

Nick:
I took care|of that tab.

- Will you at least tip?|- Mm-hmm.

OK. I'll call you tomorrow.|Nice to meet you, Kathy.

Nick:
I'm sorry.

Bryce:
Nick! There's nothing|to apologize about.

It's OK.

See you, Nick.|See you, buddy.

[Moaning]

We're f***ed.

You're telling me.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

I never meant this to happen.|I promise you. I promise.

You didn't|get the key?

Where is it?

Bryce has it.

The note?

No, the key.|I have the note.

No. It's not|in your purse.

I didn't put it|in my purse.

I have it.

What happened?

He just laid there|for a while afterwards.

This is after you...

What then?

Then I started|into my speech,

but he just went|f***ing ballistic,

and I tried to go|for the door...

He didn't do anything|to you, did he?

He dragged me down|the stairs, Nick.

I know. I'm sorry.|I'm sorry.

He's just|a bad drunk is all.

I must look terrific|about now.

No, you...

You wear captivity well.

So where is it? The note.|Where is it?

Really?

You could at least kiss|me when you do that.

Baby.

Thanks.

That was|really sweet.

[Thumping From Upstairs]

...Lord today?

Have you? Have you thought|about the Lord lately?

I'm glad|you're here.

I'm glad, too.

It doesn't mean we have|to stick around, though.

I know.

So, what are we|going to do?

Well, I have two ideas.

First one, I break that pole,|you slide your arms out,

and we go home.

I like that idea.

Do we get the money?

I don't know.

He's been upstairs studying your I.D.s|for the past two hours.

Does he know|they're both fake?

Not yet.

What's idea two?

Bryce:
What'd she say?!

'' My uncle is|a f***ing lawyer.

He's going to|have your ass.

He's going to|tear the scrotums

off you|cocksuckers, you--''

Jesus! That's it, Nick.

She's not|going to drop it?

What was that|one line? Uh...

'' Both of you are going to rot|in jail the rest of your lives.

Going to be mayors|of ass-rape city.''

[Gagging]

Nick:
You might want|to lift the lid there.

[Vomiting]

Jesus, Nick.

Jesus, this shitty|little girl.

You work your whole life,|and one goddamn night, you--

write a doctoral thesis|on Middle English, Middle--

[Vomiting]

Middle f***ing English!

To get f***ed by some|prom queen in training.

I came once!|I can't even remember.

So you don't get tenure.|So what?

Well, f*** tenure.|I'm unhirable.

I can't even|get a janitor's job.

I might as well|do what you do.

It's all I ever wanted|to do, Nick, was teach.

It's all I know|how to do,

and now I can't because|Miss B*tch-City downstairs

won't let me.

I'm so f***ed.

We are.

What?

Aiding and abetting,|Bryce.

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