Best Laid Plans Page #2

(Joseph) Fishing, Danny!

Let's go.

It's too early.

Why don't you go on your own,

and I'll meet you there in a bit?

- Please.

- Just give me a little bit more sleep, please.

Well, you go, Joseph. You go on your own.

Just give me half an hour.

I'll meet you in half an hour.

Good lad, that's it. That's a good lad.

That's a good boy.

(Talking indistinctly)

Help me!

Pack it in now, can't you see she's crying.

(Laughing)

(Tina) Go on then, get in.

(Humming)

Get in. Go on, get in.

(All continue laughing)

Stop!

Get in! Go on, get in!

Stop!

Go!

(Isabel) Help.

(Tina) You f***ing retards!

(Sobbing)

(Gasping)

(Talking indistinctly)

(Marianne) Isabel?

(Sighing)

Where have you been, love?

Where are your clothes, sweetheart?

What's happened to your shoes?

- (Roger) Who are you?

- (Marianne) What the hell's going on?

Joseph.

(Footsteps approaching)

Sh*t!

Where have you been?

I've been worried sick.

Are you Danny?

What's he done?

Well, from what we can make out,

- it looks like Joe here...

- Joseph.

Joseph.

Saved a young woman

from being pushed into a river.

Did he?

- Are you a relative?

- I'm his carer.

Come on then, superman.

Spill the beans. Tell me what went on.

Bullies. Push Isabel.

Isabel.

That's a nice name, innit?

(Danny laughing)

- Look at the big smile!

- Stop it.

(In sing-song) Joey and Izzy, up a tree.

- K-I... K-I...

- Stop it.

Joey and Izzy, up a tree.

K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

Joseph.

I'm gonna go meet Deano,

get the tickets for Ireland.

- You wait here.

- Um...

No, it's all right. You'll be fine.

Just stay here. Just wait here.

Because if Curtis sees us

carrying this lot, we're f***ed.

Please just stay here. Just stay here.

(Door closing)

- All yours, love.

- I'm just waiting for someone.

Listen, the other night, in the boozer,

I'm sorry about that.

It's all right. I'm used to it. We all are.

What's your name?

- Lisa.

- Lisa?

Why?

That was me mum's name.

Have you got a number, Lisa?

Yeah.

It's in there, d*ckhead.

(Vehicle honking)

- There you go, kid.

- Thanks, man.

There's only one ticket.

- Yeah.

- Where's Joseph's?

Are you taking the Michael outta me?

You think I'd let that jolly black giant

loose over there?

Hey?

No. No. I never said

that Joseph was part of the plan.

Yeah, and you never said he wasn't.

I don't f***in' believe this.

Oi! Language.

Look, are you in or are you out?

But a bit of bulk always comes in handy...

Are you in

or are you out?

I can't leave him here.

They'll f***in' kill him if I leave him here.

You d*ckhead!

Oi! You wanna watch who you're talking to.

Curtis put you up to this, didn't he?

- He did, didn't he?

- You wanna calm down, Daniel.

Don't f***in' tell me to calm down...

(Groans)

I said calm down, didn't I?

(Door opening)

(Door closing)

We're not going anywhere.

Curtis was waiting for me.

I screamed for help, but no one would come.

Said if you don't do it

he's gonna break me legs.

Look.

Won't let him.

- (Danny) What is this place?

- (Curtis) It's gonna be a hotel.

Cinema. First class bars. A gym.

My place at the top,

so I can keep an eye on the f***ers.

(Danny) What are they doing?

(Curtis) It's none of your business.

Can I get an advance, Curtis?

How do you get an advance on a debt?

I need money,

for me and Joseph.

You can take, Danny.

But at some point

you're gonna have to pay it back.

As long as you remember that.

Ta.

Beat it.

(Drilling machines whirring)

Itll be all right.

Joseph?

Itll be all right. I promise.

(Crowd cheering)

(Shuddering)

Danny! (Groans)

- (Man) Come on!

- Danny!

Keep your hands up! Keep your hands up!

Danny! (Groaning)

Keep your hands up!

Hands up! Keep your f***in' hands up!

F***in' hit him!

Joseph! Joseph, f***in' hit him!

Now! Hit him now!

F***in' hit him! F***in' hit him!

F***in' hit him, Joseph!

Hit him now!

Joseph, f***in' hit him!

Come on! F***in' hit him!

- Fight!

- (Danny) F***in' hit him!

Hit him!

(Grunts)

(Gasping)

(Sobbing) I want to go home, Danny.

- We'll go...

- I want to go home.

I want to go home, Danny.

Yeah, we'll go home. We're gonna go home.

- We're gonna go home.

- Is it finished?

Don't leave me!

(Shuddering) Danny!

You see this?

This fight has just been

shown in the far east.

Asia. Australia.

Look at the time.

Fifty-five seconds.

It's like premature ejaculation.

Briefly satisfying,

but ultimately it's embarrassing.

What the f*** are you talking about?

I'm talking about value for money.

Fifty-five seconds?

Teach him to play the game.

The only game he knows

is f***in' hide-and-seek.

We're talking pounds per minute here.

So either the fights last longer

or he has to have more fights.

OK? Understand?

Do you understand that?

- Yeah.

- Great.

Joseph, this isn't our stop, right.

But you stay here.

You stay here and go straight home, OK?

Go straight home.

See you later.

(Slurring) I hope you've got

something better lined up for us

when we get there.

Because I've had enough of this sh*t.

I want... 73 virgins.

All lined up for me when I get there.

F*** that, I'm not worth it.

I'll have 37 whores instead.

I want a garden, with a

river running through

so me and Joseph can go fishing

whenever we want.

And I want a well.

With lager.

I want my own coca plants,

so I can grow my own gear.

It'll be pure as snow.

I'm not meek.

I don't want to inherit f*** all.

I just want a happy ending.

Especially for Joseph.

(Shouting) Because you f***ed his life up,

didn't you?

And mine.

Give us a sign, will you?

Give us a f***ing sign!

I'll give you a smack in the mouth

if you don't shut the f*** up.

Sorry, love.

Sorry.

(Toilet flushing)

(Sprays)

(Joseph sprays)

What are you doing?

Nothing.

(Stutters)

(Laughing)

(Exclaiming)

How's Joseph?

- He's all right.

- I saw him Tuesday.

Lucky you.

Went past here in his socks.

(Exclaims excitedly)

(Man) One careful lady owner.

Got a brand new engine in it.

Paint job. Complete refurb.

It's lovely, isn't it?

What are you doing? What's wrong with you?

(Joseph) Please! Please! Please!

(Isabel laughing)

- Put me down, Joseph!

- Please!

Joseph, put me down!

Joseph, behave yourself.

Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Be careful.

Buy. Buy.

- All right, mate?

- All right, mate.

It's got a brand new engine in it.

Complete refurb. Paint job. The lot.

It's got everything.

There's no price on it.

Yeah, well, that's because

it's priceless, innit?

Why are you f***in' selling it then?

Well, make me an offer.

How about you make your f***in' mind up?

(Isabel and Joseph chuckling)

I think your friends like it.

They like anything.

If I had the money, I'd buy it.

(Sighs softly)

Family day out?

Lovely.

I don't want her sapping his strength.

I need him at his best for this next fight.

Come on, Curtis.

He's only just got over the last one.

Protein, lots of it.

Get some fish into him.

Saturday night. Don't be late.

All right?

How many?

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