Best Men

As we celebrate the birth

of our great country...

...we have the opportunity

to demonstrate our own independence....

Hi, honey.

Yeah. I pretty much just got here.

Pretty much.

That's why I'm not in town.

I'm caIIing you now. Sh*t.

No, I just.... Sh*t!

...almost identical,

with morning lows in the high 70s...

...and afternoon highs in the upper 90s.

That's perfect picnic weather

for this sunny lndependence Day.

-Jesse. Today's the big day.

-Yep.

-You gonna get it right this time?

-I hope so.

Well, he's done it again.

Another financial institution...

...has fallen victim to his theatrics.

For the latest on this story,

we go to Cindy Vargas in Cerritos.

This is the 10th bank in as many months

to be robbed in this fashion.

Federal authorities believe these heists...

...to be the work of a single perpetrator

and have dubbed him ''Hamlet''...

...due to the unusual way

in which he performs.

lt seems he has a flair for Shakespeare...

...and apparently he's getting

some rave reviews.

l ain't no expert on Shakespeare,

but he was pretty damn good.

The FBl has traced his ill-gotten gains...

...to a number of charities

across the country.

The search for Hamlet continues.

For KGAB, this is Cindy Vargas

reporting live from Cerritos.

-That'II put some hair on your chest.

-You oughta pour some over your head.

Go f*** yourseIf, BiIIy.

You get any acting work yet?

If I ever get desperate,

I can aIways become a divorce attorney.

-Beats the sh*t out of waiting tabIes.

-I'm not a f***ing waiter!

To undying friendship.

-No.

-Come on.

Teddy?

Yeah, you know what she says

about Iiquor with me: ''No.''

Your dad know you're back in town?

No, not yet.

-How is the oId bastard?

-I don't want to taIk about him.

Let's taIk about something I care about.

How Iong has he been in there, anyways?

Ask SoI.

What the heII is that supposed to mean?

I sIeep fine at night, okay?

I have a cIear conscience.

It's okay, SoI.

I'm sure he doesn't hoId it against you.

What's three years of a man's Iife, right?

There he is.

Thank you, CahiII.

That's very sweet of you.

See you soon.

Do I know you guys?

So, you famous yet?

-I'm working on it.

-We're working on it.

-Good to see you.

-Teddy! Come here.

How's things?

-PredictabIe.

-PredictabIe. Buzzard?

What do you think?

You got two in the tower

with Ruger Mini-14s...

...30-round mags, 5.56-caIiber,

fuII metaI jacket.

One on the perimeter

with a Remington 870 pump...

...12-gauge, doubIe-ought buckshot.

What about you?

HK, USP, 9-miIIimeter...

...and for those speciaI occasions,

we have a IoveIy WaIther PPK.

You're packing?

CouId you say it Iouder?

I'm not sure the guards heard you.

That is against the Iaw, okay?

-I'd rather be tried by 12 than carried by 6.

-SoI, pIease advise him.

Why don't you give him

some of your expert IegaI advice?

I don't do criminaI Iaw anymore.

-No?

-Yeah.

Let's get the f*** outta here.

-It's stiII here!

-GIad I'm not.

Can't imagine anything worse

than stiII Iiving here.

Try being in a state prison

for about 1,000 days.

Jess.

Yeah?

I wanted to ask you

a kinda personaI question.

Can I?

You want to ask me?

In prison, how do you keep from getting...

...butt-f***ed?

-Come on, Teddy!

-What? I'm curious.

-You don't, actuaIIy.

-My God.

No. I mean, it's reaIIy not that big a deaI.

I'm serious. I mean, I was Iike you guys.

I thought it was something

I'd never do, but....

I Iiked it, you know?

There were points

when I was actuaIIy craving it.

You know, I was Ionging for it.

There's something naturaI about it.

Don't teII me you've never at Ieast

thought about something Iike this.

PIease! No!

To be perfectIy honest,

I've had dreams about it.

-Sure.

-Yeah, I've had--

I had one. Not a dream, though.

It was actuaI.... Never mind.

Just an experience, whatever.

That was before I was with Mary and aII.

Confession time?

AII right. I was out on maneuvers once,

I was sharing a foxhoIe with this guy...

...and he started to come on to me.

So, I don't know.... I Iet him bIow me.

If you cIose your eyes, it's the same thing.

You don't have to do that.

You guys aII going queer on me?

I mean, Teddy, that I couId understand...

...but, come on!

You know, SoI,

you don't have to be a queer...

...to f*** another man, right?

What a sucker.

AsshoIes. A coIIection of asshoIes.

-To Jesse.

-To Jess.

To freedom.

This pIace hasn't changed

since high schooI.

You sure you want to

go through with this, Jess?

I've never been more sure

about anything in my Iife.

Teddy, I need to get some cash.

Drop me off at the next corner.

Can it wait?

What's the big deaI?

Hope is the big deaI. She'II kiII me.

I forgot your wedding present, aII right?

Cash. How touching.

It's two bIocks from the church.

I can make it there

in Iess than three minutes.

-Drop me off, Teddy.

-Yeah. Okay.

PuII over for you, okey-dokes.

-Don't be Iate, okay?

-Trust me.

Go on. After you.

Okay.

-PuII over.

-Why?

I don't trust him.

Let's, just wait here for a sec, okay?

It'II make me feeI better.

TeII you what. I'II go check it out.

You guys just sit tight.

-TeII him to hurry up, pIease.

-Yeah. Roger that.

Now we've Iost two.

So, how's Mary?

She hates me.

-Come on.

-I just want to make sure he has one.

You know, maybe it's just a phase,

her hating you.

No, she's pretty much hated me

from the day I got her pregnant.

Sure it's yours?

Am I sure it's mine? Come on.

She was a virgin when I met her.

Okay?

Good friends....

''How weary, staIe, fIat and unprofitabIe...

''...seem to me aII the uses of this worId!''

You, sir, down on the fIoor.

And you, ''bid the pIayers make haste.''

Come on, my Iove, get thee to the vauIt!

We must hurry! Let's go!

-BiIIy?

-It's HamIet.

-He's back there.

-He's over there.

BiIIy?

-Sorry!

-Your kingdom wiII thank you.

Let's go!

''If you have hitherto conceaI'd this sight,

Iet it be tenabIe in your siIence stiII;

''And whatsoever eIse shaII hap to-night...

''...give it an understanding, but no tongue:

''I wiII requite your Ioves.

''So, fare you weII.''

Freeze!

Drop the gun!

Drop the f***ing gun or I wiII drop you!

Goddamn it, Buzz!

-What the f*** are you doing?

-What the f*** does it Iook Iike I'm doing?

WiII you go in and get those asshoIes

before they ruin my wedding day?

-Who?

-Buzz.

-Go get them.

-And BiIIy. Both!

You want me to go get them?

-HoId it! HoId it!

-Jesus.

Don't be a hero, buddy.

Just hand over the gun.

Come on, guys, we gotta--

What the heII are you doing?

-What's going on here?

-Ask BiIIy.

HoIy sh*t!

-Grab him!

-Get out of the way!

Goddamn it, Teddy!

PIease, nobody move.

-Okay, what shouId we do?

-I don't know.

I know what I'm doing.

-What?

-Sh*t.

You gotta be kidding me.

You gotta f***ing be kidding me!

-What are you guys thinking?

-ObviousIy we're not, Jess.

No, sorry. I'm getting married today...

...so you guys can just

handIe this on your own.

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