Best Night Ever Page #2

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wonderful marriage.

Cheers!

Thanks, you guys.

You're gonna make me cry.

How about we do gifts?

Yes. Gifts. Gifts. Gifts.

Mine first.

Okay.

I just hope you don't

already have one.

Oh, pretty.

Isn't it beautiful?

I am not wearing this.

You have to.

It's your bachelorette party.

That, and you have to keep it

on all night.

For the piece de resistance...

Oh, it's so pretty, Claire.

- Oh, Claire, it got so pretty.

- You look hot.

Okay, let's just go already.

We're gonna be late.

Fire. Fire.

Your hair's on fire.

Cab should be here in a minute.

Look at my hair.

I'm getting married

in seven days.

We're going to Caesar's palace.

It's Dave.

No, let's go already.

Hey, honey. You won't believe

what just happened to me.

Hello? Hello?

He butt dialed me.

Dave.

He can't hear me at all.

Dave. Dave.

Get on all fours, bachelor boy.

Oh, sh*t.

Dave.

- Oh, my God.

- Dave!

I don't think she's okay.

Okay, if we don't hurry up,

we're gonna miss Celine Dion.

F*** Celine Dion.

It's on now.

Dj, play my sh*t again

take me off your speakerphone

I just wanna freakin' bone

party all night,

rappin' round

f*** it,

let's go back in time

You guys are so hot you're making my

g-string feel like a slip n' slide.

You can't film in here.

It's totally hidden in my purse.

You can't even tell

it's a camera.

So, do you think that just hearing

what happened made you?...

And was Dave getting spanked,

or was Dave doing the spanking?

What do you think?

Mas Tequila!

And you do know that strippers

are just a gateway to hookers?

Seriously.

Shut up. Shut the f*** up.

I'm just saying.

I mean, you were dating Randy

Rosenberg for three years...

and he totally cheated on you.

Really? Randy Rosenberg?

You're going to go there?

Wow, thank you so much

for being a b*tch.

Ooh, harsh.

Dave's not Randy Rosenberg.

Hey! Hey!

My best friend's getting

married next week.

Zoe, no.

How much for the vip room?

- No.

- Yeah!

How are you doing, Claire?

Tell the camera.

I feel uncomfortable.

I really don't want a lap dance.

It will even the score, you know?

Tit for tat.

Or tit for dick.

And we just spent 200 bucks.

I wanna see some of this!

Whoa!

Yeah, yeah, make it rain.

Make it rain.

Make it rain!

One lap dance and we're out.

I promise.

It's a charbroiled dodger dog.

No way. He's doing the bow tie.

The unicorn.

I've only heard about

this in chat rooms.

It's in my eye.

Oh! Whoa, whoa.

That's it, you're in trouble.

What just happened?

Beats me. Our time's not up.

What the hell do you

think you're doing?

I don't know.

Did you touch Marcus?

I don't know.

Is he Marcus?

Yeah, she touched me down there.

No, I didn't "touch" him.

Yes, she did.

Your thing,

which is really substantial...

was in my face, so I moved it.

- Ma'am.

- He was putting his thing all over me.

He gave her a unicorn.

I'm allowed to touch you...

but you're not allowed

to touch me.

That's the rules.

I didn't know the rules.

Nobody told me.

They're posted everywhere.

Well, I didn't know.

Sorry.

You essentially raped me.

Oh, come on.

You had your big black dick

in my face.

I can't believe we got kicked

out of a strip club.

I know, right?

- Where to next?

- Here, hold this.

It's not even midnight, and

it's your bachelorette party.

Where are you going?

Just wait there.

What did she say?

I don't know.

It's been, like, 20 minutes,

and Zoe hasn't come back.

Where are you going?

To find her.

Wait up.

I'm coming, too.

Where did she go?

Zoe.

Zoe?

Zoe. Zoe.

Shh.

Zoe, what's going on?

Hey. You got the money?

Here it is. $300.

I'm getting us some coke.

Oh, come on, seriously?

I'll try coke.

You guys,

I need a pick-me-up.

We do a little bit of blow,

we party our asses off.

You know, we need to switch up

the vibe a little bit.

You got our stuff?

The money's all there.

No, I'm gonna need everything.

That is everything.

Don't shoot us.

Sh*t.

Just don't look at his face.

Then he won't have to kill us.

We had a deal...

$300 for an eight ball.

Hey, b*tch, I ain't no dealer.

I thought valet Parkers

had all the connections.

Come on. Just give me all your jewelry.

Come on.

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

Come on!

Yeah, I want the ring, too.

Gimme the ring.

I'll take the ring, too.

Okay.

Thank you.

Are those Christian Louboutins?

You're wearing a red vest,

but you know Louboutins?

Don't!

Don't sass me!

What size are those?

Hm? What size are those?

Eight and a half.

Eight and a half.

Eight and a half.

All right, I'll take them.

My lady's gonna give it up

to me tonight.

Lucky her.

Oh, and the purses.

I'll take that purse, too.

Stay put!

Hey, give it back.

Leslie, let him have it!

Give it back.

Leslie!

Are you okay?

Are you okay?

Are you shot?

No.

I tackled him

and the gun went off...

and it just scared him,

and he took off.

Oh, my God.

Leslie, why did you chase him?

I don't know.

I think some rage just kicked in.

You're like the incredible hulk.

That's what it is.

Thank God, the cops.

We gotta go.

Why?

We'll make a report.

I have a warrant out

for my arrest.

Awesome!

For what?

The purse!

Bobby broke up with me,

so I slashed his tires.

And keyed my name into his car.

I was supposed to go

to court two weeks ago.

Zoe!

Claire, honestly, I don't have time

to hear a lecture from you now.

Jump. Get in.

Oh.

God, what's that smell?

We're in a dumpster.

I know, but it's like

rotten fish.

We just passed a seafood buffet.

All you can eat for $2.99.

We should hit that after.

Shh, shh.

They're right out there.

Delta 1-5-6-6, give me a call

on your primary 5-5-7-4.

Checking the alley.

Shh, shh, shh.

Shh...

I can't breathe.

I gotta get outta here.

Really? Relax.

I can't breathe.

She's hyperventilating.

You're just having

a panic attack.

You have to calm down.

Shh.

25 years of my life and still

I'm trying to get up that

great big hill of hope

for a destination

Four non blondes?

It was their favorite song

when they were, like, eight.

They used to sing it

all the time.

It drove me nuts.

I realized quickly

when I knew I should

that the world was made up

of this brotherhood of man

for whatever that means

so I cry sometimes

when I'm lying in bed

just to get it all out,

what's in my head

then I start feeling

a little peculiar

when I wake in the morning

and I step outside

I take deep breath

I get real high

then I scream

from the top of my lungs

what's goin' on?

Uh, nothing here.

It's all clear.

And I say hey, hey, hey, hey

hey, hey, hey

I say hey,

what's goin' on?

And I say hey, hey, hey, hey

hey, hey, hey

I said hey,

what's goin' on?

And I try, oh my God,

do I try

I try all the time

in this institution

and I pray

oh my God, do I pray

every single day

for a revolution

and so I cry sometimes

when I'm lying in my bed

to get it all out,

what's in my head

then I... Feeling

a little peculiar

so I wake in the morning

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