Better Living Through Chemistry Page #2

---

Most girls don't always

go for honest and sweet.

Girls don't, but women do.

Okay, I'm just gonna get going and

you go... You can come by the store.

And you know where the store is?

Yeah, 'cause it's...

Address on there, so good

night and thank you.

Hi.

Sorry I'm so late.

The deliveries were all out of order

and I didn't know all the addresses.

- Noah didn't even put them in the ledger.

- Ethan's school called today.

Oh, okay. What's the problem?

Principal hyphenated-name, she

wouldn't say over the phone.

She says that we need to come

in ASAP for a conference.

Ooh!

Yeah, he painted his windows black.

Why are you acting so surprised?

Please just go upstairs

and talk to him.

Hey!

Hey.

So how was school today?

So you think you might want to come

out with us for a ride this weekend?

- Yeah, I don't think so.

- Come on.

Open road, sunshine on your

face, the wind in your hair.

It'll be fun.

So you'll think about it?

Doug wanted to open the door and

talk to Ethan, but what could he say?

I mean, I know a thing

or two about working out.

And there's absolutely nothing fun

about weekend bike rides at all.

Come on, honey!

Let's take this hill!

F***ing misery.

Soon after Ethan was born,

Kara discovered road cycling was

perfect for shedding baby weight,

and Doug was on board.

He saw cycling as a chance for them

to do something as a young family,

and for a moment, it was fun.

For Kara, though, cycling turned

from hobby into profession,

inspiring her business at the

nearby Glen Rock Shopping Centre.

Come on! Grind it out! Cottage

cheese is for breakfast, not thighs!

And leading her to victory

at the Tour de Woodbury.

She's won five out of

the last six races.

It's become the cornerstone

of Kara's year.

And the bane of Doug's existence.

- And I said, "Armstrong?"

- That's right.

"More like headstrong."

Doug, you made it.

There you go, Dougie. You know

the drill. Last man pays.

We waited 45 minutes for you, Doug.

I just figured we'd

all eat together.

It's gonna be getting

dark now, okay?

- I want you to be careful.

- Okay.

Okay.

- Thanks, honey.

- Yep. See you at home.

Doug?

Oh, hey, Mrs...

Elizabeth.

Right.

Did you think about

going to medical school?

I did. I was, but then Kara

got pregnant, things changed.

We got married and this just

seemed like the logical choice,

especially with Kara's father

owning the pharmacy and all.

He's Bishop.

He's definitely Bishop.

- He's Bishop.

- Whoa.

And what about this?

The cycling thing.

You do that for the

cool clothes, or what?

Yeah, yeah. No, mostly I do it

because my wife expects me to.

Although I don't share her passion,

I do think that a good cardio

workout three times...

Doug, can I ask you something?

Go ahead.

Do you do everything your

wife tells you to do?

Excuse me.

Yeah? Oh, no, I'm still here. I've

been here for f***ing two hours.

You are... You are offensive.

You are... Oh, I...

Don't, no. No, just don't

f***ing come then!

Sorry about that.

I really shouldn't

be saying anything

because you look like you're

gonna be very good for business,

but the pills in

those orange bottles

aren't always the solution to

people's problems, you know?

When you find that solution,

you let me know what it is, all right?

I can't tell you how

much I appreciate this.

Yes, you can.

- I appreciate it.

- See, I knew you could.

- I'm tipsy.

- Mmm-hmm.

- This has been really fun.

- Yeah.

- Hanging out with you and just talking.

- Yeah.

Seriously, Doug, I think this is the first

real conversation I've had in months.

Well, I am one of those

authentically nice guys, right?

And I'm a nice girl.

- Kindred spirits.

- Yeah.

- Hmm.

- Mmm.

And so these two kindred spirits

made one last stop before heading home.

Come on, now. Come on.

Adultery?

Oh, please. Save the

preaching for church.

You'd change your tune, too, after being

balls-deep in a woman like Elizabeth.

My skull is exploding!

- Coming!

- Yes!

- I'm gonna come! I'm gonna come!

- Yes!

- I'm gonna come!

- Yes! Oh!

I'm gonna...

So,

what happens now?

I'm not really sure. This isn't

something I normally engage in.

Yeah, right.

I think maybe you go inside to your

wife and I go home to my husband.

Of course. Yeah.

See you around.

Okay. Good night.

Good night.

It has been a good night.

Ahh!

- Yeah! What is it?

- Hurry up, Doug!

F*** off.

Mr and Mrs Varney,

we're all here to try to help work

things through the best way possible.

Maybe you can tell us what this is...

What this is about, huh?

It was brought to my attention yesterday

while he should have been in Life Science,

Ethan was discovered by one

of the faculty members

in the boys' locker room, vandalising

one of the lockers with...

Excrement.

And this isn't the first time.

- Substantial pieces of...

- Poop.

had been turning up around the

school for the past two months.

There was no way of connecting Ethan

to the other leavings, but...

Excuse me.

Are you trying to suggest that my

son is some sort of Una-shitter?

Like I said, there's no

way to be 100% sure.

He has never had any

problems before.

No, he hasn't and...

That's right, so maybe you

need to look elsewhere.

- Mmm-hmm?

- Okay.

Like that David Chen kid.

You know, the one who brought the

fireworks on the class trip to Six Flags.

It seems likely the kid who's

toting explosives on a field trip

would also take a dump in a locker.

- Mrs Varney.

- I'm gonna be sick.

This is nothing more than a little

boy crying out for attention.

And who are you again?

- Dr Roth.

- Okay.

School psychiatrist.

And your degree came from which

of our fine online universities?

Honey, they're just...

No, these are serious accusations

being made by complete strangers

with very little evidence.

Unless, of course, there's been a

major breakthrough in crime forensics

and you've dusted the

sh*t for prints, Dr Roth.

No.

If it's okay with you, I'd like to

start seeing Ethan twice a week,

- get a better idea of who he is...

- I think that's a good idea.

and what's going on.

- Just to head off any...

- Honey.

trouble at the pass.

Um...

Do the thing for us.

- No, no, no, no, no.

- Go on, go on. It's great.

- It's none of our business.

- Yeah, yeah. No, it's great.

Dr Friedman,

Mitchell, as top cardiologist

here at County General,

I'm surprised that you can't diagnose

true heartache when you see it.

But I love you

and I'll do anything

it takes to keep you.

And then we kiss!

That was great. Wasn't it, Doug?

- Doug, wasn't that great?

- Huh?

Great! That was just great.

So what happens now?

Do they call you back?

Only if you get the part.

- Did they call?

- Did they call?

No. Not yet.

So everything okay down

at the store, Doug?

- Tip-top.

- Great!

That means we can talk about Ethan.

You know, he's at a pivotal age.

Things can get all f***ed if

you don't keep him in check.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes