Better Living Through Chemistry Page #3

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"Keep him in check"? What's that

even supposed to mean, Walter?

I think what Dad is trying to say

is that we should all keep an

eye out for Ethan right now.

Which is why I was gonna suggest that

he spend a few nights a week with us.

A change of scenery, along with

another stronger male influence.

What?

- Well, it would do the boy some good.

- Dad.

What exactly are you

suggesting, Walter?

- I'm not suggesting anything, Doug.

- Dad!

Why can't we just eat a meal

like a normal family? Right, Bree?

Mmm!

It's good like this.

- You want to try some?

- No, thank you.

Doug couldn't do it any more.

He was tired of being

pushed around,

tired of being ignored, tired

of being told what to do.

Things had to change.

God.

Whoa-whoa-whoa, Miss.

Hey, we're closed.

No, the thing says you're open.

Does it? Oh, look at... Check it.

Now we're closed.

So, I'm gonna have to usher you

out over here behind the door...

Wait, Janet!

What?

Wait, wait, wait.

Janet, Janet, hold on!

- Hi.

- Hello.

You told me to lock up.

I know what I said, but I think we

can help out one more customer.

You also said that I

could go, so bye.

Hey, nice to see you again.

Yeah, it's nice to see you, too.

If you are closing early, that's fine.

No, no, no, no.

What can I do for you?

Uh...

Is everything okay out there?

Actually, I'm struggling

with something, Doug.

Me, too. I know.

I'm struggling between the

drunken chimney sweep

and this curious unicorn.

It's a big decision.

- A big decision.

- Right.

That is a tough one, but if pressed,

I would go with the unicorn,

the cornerstone in the

mythical forest series.

Well, it's settled then.

I knew you could help me.

Swallow something the

size of a breadcrumb

and farewell to depression,

anxiety, insomnia.

Mmm!

It's incredible.

You'll be swept away into an artificial

bliss, made more assertive, docile, erect.

You never get high

on your own supply?

That's illegal.

Of course it is.

But it must be hard working in

the candy shop all day long

knowing that any of your problems could be

solved by one of your little apothecaries.

Well, fortunately, I've never had to

take any medication for anything.

Oh, for being crazy like me?

That's...

That's not what I was gonna

say, and you're not crazy.

Mmm. My husband would disagree

with you on that point.

Come on, I mean, you're beautiful,

you're smart and worldly.

I dropped out of college

after three semesters,

and I'm worldly if you

consider the world

to be an investment banking

convention in Saint Lucia.

All I've got going for me,

Doug, is a rich husband.

Other than that, it's just a

list of things I want to do

and places I want

to see a mile long.

Well, you can argue me

on smart and worldly,

but I think you're

beautiful and lovely,

and there's nothing you can

say that'll change my mind.

Are you saying that because you mean it or

because you want to sleep with me again?

Oh!

- That was a mistake.

- Complimenting me or dropping...

We both got swept up in the moment.

It was very nice, but I have

a family and you have a husband.

Both would be very

upset to lose us.

Fine. Yeah, you're right. It was a mistake.

Let's just put it behind us.

- I think it's wise. As friends.

- Like adults.

- I'm good as friends.

- Oh, good.

Adult friends.

- I'm gonna put it in you.

- Yes!

- I'm gonna put it in.

- Yeah!

- I'm gonna put it in you.

- Okay. Good.

God, I hope you're flexible.

Get down. Get down.

Easy does it. Okay.

All right! That's what I'm talking

about. Sweat it out with the oldies.

Hey, I need to talk to you.

Can it wait?

We're just getting started.

All right, let's get

going, you lazy Hausfraus!

You know what? It can't wait.

Dr Roth called. Apparently, you cancelled

Ethan's appointment with him today?

Damn straight. That guy's a quack.

Wow. What do you suggest we do?

Oh, sure, another problem

I'm supposed to solve?

- What is that supposed to mean?

- It means I've tried, all right?

And he's your son, too. All right?

So just be his father and do something.

It's called being a man, Doug.

Give it a try.

Who knows,

you might actually like it.

All right, you guys. You

ready to climb? Huh?

All right, turn it up, turn it up.

Out of the saddle.

Pick it up, Stan, or get

your ass outta here!

So Doug and Elizabeth made the decision

to be more than just adult friends.

Elizabeth taught him about style,

how to kick back and treat

yourself now and then.

Warrior I and Warrior II.

Oh, and one more thing.

She taught him how to f***.

Doug revelled in his newfound

freedom and he trusted Elizabeth.

So when she told him that a few pills

would make things even better,

he went along for the ride.

And you know what? She was right.

The pills made him feel good.

Real good.

Which got him thinking.

Anyone can take a pill,

but only a pharmacist

knows how to make one.

Percocet is nice, but when spliced

with atomoxetine and hydrocodone,

the party could go on for hours.

Fentanyl blended with oxycodone made for

a much more interesting day at work.

And even more interesting

lunch breaks.

He compiled his own personal grab bag of

psychotropic creations for them to enjoy.

He was elated, carefree, alive.

Elizabeth was right.

The solution to his problems had, in fact,

been lining his shelves all this time.

Doug had found better

living through chemistry.

He was no longer restricted by the

direction in which he could move.

He was more than a Bishop.

He was a king.

What is it? What? What's wrong?

You need a little pick-me-up?

No. No, it's not... It's not that.

I think I have some oxy left. We can

do that. That was fun. Or, oh, oh!

We can take a sleeping pill and keep

each other up and just trip out.

It's my wife.

Does she know?

Not at all and I almost want her

to so she can see how happy I am.

Oh, baby, I'm happy, too.

And also, she can see all that

sex stuff that we're doing,

like the thing you did on top.

- What was that?

- You mean reverse cowgirl?

Yeah, that was amazing!

I've never seen that before.

Yeah, you don't watch a lot

of porn, do you, Doug?

Kara busted me one time, you know?

She put a parental lock on my laptop.

- What the... Jesus f***ing Christ, Doug!

- I know.

No, I just... I don't understand why a guy

like you puts up with sh*t like that.

You know, you deserve more!

Sure, maybe, but what

am I gonna do about it?

- Leave! Both of us, just leave!

- Huh?

Wouldn't it be great? We could go to Europe,

or Australia or Kathmandu, wherever.

We could just get out of

here and see the world.

You know?

Just imagine being able to hit

the reset button, you know?

Get a do over and make a life with

someone really, really great.

- That's great!

- Yes!

- You're great! Yeah! I can't!

- Oh...

What?

Kara would bleed me dry in a divorce and

you must have signed a prenup, right?

No, I did.

It's just another reminder of

what I am. I'm just a trophy wife.

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