Better Living Through Chemistry Page #4

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If we don't age gracefully and die holding

our husband's hand at the nursing home,

we get replaced.

- What if he just went away and he just...

- He goes away, he comes back.

Yeah, but what if he

died or something?

- What if he died?

- What if he died?

Just died.

- Went on a trip.

- Didn't come back!

- He could die!

- He could die!

That would be great!

Get the dogs to eat him.

Oh, no, no, no. If I wanted to kill

him, I would just gain 100 pounds.

He'd have a heart attack.

You know, if you really

wanted to kill him...

Yeah?

you'd f*** with his

heart arrhythmia.

That would kill him stone cold.

- I was joking.

- Yeah.

- No. I know.

- That was a joke.

I know. I know, baby. I was joking, too.

It's just, you know, his heart is a problem.

You know, it has been for

years, and you know, those...

Those pills are the only thing keeping

the damn thing ticking, you know?

And they could keep him

going another 20 years.

Another 20 years of

cocktail parties

and fundraising dinners

and golf tournaments.

- I f***ing hate golf so much.

- Me, too.

You know, it's just that sometimes

I like to imagine just me and you

and more money than we know

what to do with, you know?

Adds a little

excitement to my life.

Like when I think about

how I'm falling for you.

I love you, too.

I love you so much,

but I should tell you,

there's a large number of

mandatory vaccinations

- we should get before we go to Kathmandu...

- Baby, baby, baby...

well in advance.

Sometimes you need to know when to

just shut up and give it to a girl.

- Now being one of those times.

- Fantastic.

- Hey, Varney!

- Oh! Right!

Well, these are both fairly

aggressive stool softeners.

Either one should do the job.

Thanks a lot.

Thank you.

I'm sorry. Are you Douglas Varney?

Yeah.

And you're the owner

of this establishment?

Yes.

Then how come it's

called "Bishop's"?

You can pay for that

right over there.

Oh, no, no. I'm sorry. Here I am,

I'm asking all these questions.

I haven't introduced myself. My

name is Special Agent Andrew Carp.

I'm with the Drug

Enforcement Agency.

Um...

Anyway, our records indicate

that this pharmacy recently changed

owners and no paperwork was filed,

so it's just protocol.

DEA.

- Yeah.

- Wow.

Janet, the DEA is here.

- How exciting.

- Hi.

Shouldn't you be wearing a windbreaker,

cool sunglasses, smashing down doors...

Well, not necessarily. I'm not

chasing Denzel or anything.

I'm just a regular guy, you know?

And what most people don't

realise, Mr Varney,

is that the misallocation

of prescription medicine

kills 29% more people than the

so-called glamour drugs. 29%.

That's like a third.

- Glamour drugs?

- Yeah.

You know, coke.

Crack, smack, E,

you know, P-Dog.

P-Dog? What's that?

It's kind of like

sherm, but different.

- It's more...

- Oh. Gotta look into that.

- Noah, could we Arms and Hammer...

- In any event, the change of ownership...

Right, damn it, I'm sorry.

I just took over for my

father-in-law not too long ago.

Yeah.

So I'm still trying to

get a handle on things.

Right. Nevertheless, I'm still gonna

have to take a look at that inventory.

- My inventory?

- Yeah.

- Why? I'm fully stocked.

- I'm sure you are.

I just have to ensure that the

actual dispensation of meds

matches up with the

prescription records.

- And make sure I'm on the up and up.

- That's right, Mr Varney.

Unless, of course, you're some sort

of no good thieving pill-popper.

I'm playing with you. Loosen up.

No. I'm just kidding.

So, if I could...

Now might not be the best time. It's

just that we've been a little busy...

Mr Varney, a little trade secret.

I don't want to be here any more

than you want me to be here

and between us, you are hardly

what I would consider to be

a high-risk establishment.

You know what I'm saying?

I'm gonna hop to it, okay?

And I'm gonna be out of your

hair in 30 minutes tops.

Thirty minutes.

Hello?

Hey, it's me. It's Doug.

Hey, hi. What's going on?

What's going on is that I've got a f***ing

DEA agent going through my inventory.

- That's what's going on.

- Mmm-hmm.

Do you know what will

happen if we get caught?

Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa. Calm down.

All right? Take a deep breath.

- Namaste. Okay?

- Okay.

Listen, if you act guilty, he's

gonna think something's wrong,

but if you just act cool,

then he's gonna think that...

That everything is normal.

Exactly. So just pop a Zannie

and take it easy, baby.

Besides, the DEA agent who

investigates pharmacies?

Come on, please.

The guy probably accidentally

shot his gun and got demoted.

Thanks. You're the best.

Okay, I'm busy.

I gotta go. I'm busy.

- Okay.

- Okay.

Are we all done here?

I just need to see the stuff

with the pseudoephedrine.

Right.

I got a box.

- Take it somewhere.

- Yeah.

Right over here.

F***, Ethan.

It's loud.

Don't you think?

You're supposed to

listen to Mastodon loud.

Of course. Mastodon.

I brought you a snack.

So how was school today?

Huh?

I mean, okay, I guess.

Any idea why they might

have suspended you, then?

What the...

What the f*** are these?

- Golf clubs.

- I know that. What are they doing here?

Grandpa bought them for me.

Said I needed a new hobby.

I told him I already have a hobby,

but he didn't seem to care.

Golf is f***ing stupid and elitist.

And so is your f***ing

grandfather. F***!

F***ing f***! F***! F***!

You know what I mean?

Listen to me. Your mother might

not agree with me on this one,

but Grandpa doesn't

always know what's best.

Learning to play

golf or bike riding

or any of that stupid

activity horseshit

isn't gonna make you

perform better in school.

Dr Roth said something about

putting me on, like, a medication.

- Am I sick?

- No! No!

You're just 12.

And being 12 sucks for everyone

and everyone goes through

some weird sh*t at your age.

I mean, I used to f***

the couch when I was 12.

- What?

- You heard me.

Instead of using my

hand to, you know,

I'd stuff a towel in the

couch and, well, f*** it.

That is crazy.

It ain't easy at

your age, you know?

But then one day you look up

and you're okay again without

doctors or drugs or anything else.

If you say so.

- Couch f***er.

- You're a couch f***er.

- So what's this hobby you got?

- Oh.

Far out.

There are 18 different weapon

disciplines to master.

- I've only got 11 so far.

- That's awesome.

Really? You're not mad?

Well, I don't know. Should I be?

I don't know much about ninjas.

No, no, no, no. I just

collect the stuff.

It's not like I'm out there killing

squirrels or destroying public property.

Would you like to?

- What do you say? Give me one.

- Okay.

- Oh!

- Oh, sh*t! Sh*t!

I don't know if this

is a good idea, Dad.

It's not. It's a great idea.

Give me a cookie.

Wait.

- It was fun.

- It was, wasn't it?

Hey, I know you don't want to talk,

and quite frankly, neither do I,

so just tell me what this sh*t

stuff's all about at school.

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