Better Living Through Chemistry Page #5

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Well, in ninja code, it's written

that it's the highest insult

to smear one's excrement on

the home of his adversary.

Gotcha.

Kevin Redmond, Andy Berg,

David Chen, they're all d*cks.

All they do is make

fun of me, so...

So you insult their

honour with your poop?

Yeah.

Well, I think you've

achieved the desired effect.

So do your old man a favour

and give it a rest, okay?

All right.

Be quiet. Your mom's asleep.

- Hey, Dad?

- Yeah?

There's this thing next week. Bring

Your Dad to School Day or some sh*t.

And it'll probably be gay, but I think

it would be cool if you showed up.

You're on.

Cool.

Everyone, just

stand back. Thank you.

What in the f*** happened here?

Mr Bishop. I'm Officer Willits.

We spoke on the phone.

- You said, "Incident."

- Mmm-hmm.

There has been an incident?

This is a goddamn war zone.

Yeah.

Oh, f*** me running. Who

could have done all of this?

I'm not sure, Walt, but I think Officer

Willits had a promising lead on, what was it?

- Ninjas.

- Mmm.

What the f*** is a ninja?

It's an ancient Japanese warrior cloaked

in black, often with mystical powers.

- Sounds pretty serious, Walt.

- Wait a minute.

Why would an ancient

Japanese warrior

destroy a f***ing pharmacy

sign in f***ing Woodbury?

Sir, our investigation is ongoing.

As soon as we get some more

information, we'll let you know.

Well...

Doug, what are we

gonna do about this?

Well, I think it best we leave it in

the capable hands of the Woodbury PD.

They seem to have

things under control.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've

got some business to attend to.

Doug did have

business to attend to.

F***!

There was no time to dwell

on his latest victory,

because an even greater

challenge lay ahead,

ending Kara's reign at

the Tour de Woodbury.

- Consult!

- You do it!

And he knew just how

to make that happen.

Using a base of Hypertropin growth

hormone for quick recovery,

cutting in magnesium hydroxide

to stave off cramping,

highly concentrated doses

of Adderall for focus,

oxycodone to numb his legs

and 10 ccs of good

old-fashioned methamphetamine

for that extra kick in the end.

It was most definitively

a recipe for success.

Watch out.

Make a hole, people.

Come on. Make a hole.

Ho-ho! Look who it is.

You sure you want to get tangled up front

with the big dogs, Dougie?

Hey, Ed, maybe you should worry

more about that clotrimazol cream

clearing up that fungus

inside your a**hole,

and less about where I

start the race, huh, boy?

What are you doing, Doug?

Making a red velvet cake.

What does it look like I'm doing?

You don't actually think you can

compete in this thing, do you?

I'm not here to compete.

I'm here to win.

Sure you are.

Let's do this.

The race was on and unfolded

the same way it always did,

Kara jumping out to a substantial lead

while the pack settled in behind her.

And Doug pulled up the rear.

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Come on, Dad! Go!

But this year, Doug was just biding

his time, laying in the weeds,

and when the time was right,

Doug did what Doug did best.

And brought down the thunder.

Not today, Varney!

I told you not to get tangled

up with the big dogs!

On your left!

You got lucky, baby.

Whoo! Yeah!

Doug Varney was

not used to winning.

Yes!

But he was beginning

to enjoy how it felt.

- Hi.

- Hey.

- You all finished in there?

- Yeah.

- Yeah? Did you get it all done?

- Yep.

- Clean it up?

- Mmm-hmm.

You like? You see

something you like?

No? Whatever.

Here, Doug.

- I was impressed with you today.

- Yeah?

I didn't... I didn't

know you had it in you.

You'd be surprised

what I'm capable of.

Oh! God!

Mr Tough Guy, huh? Now

that he wins a race.

What are you doing?

Sometimes you gotta know when to

shut up and just give it to a girl.

It's called being a man.

Oh! Doug!

Oh, sh*t! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Harder!

Oh, my! Oh! Oh, my God!

I'm gonna come. I'm gonna come.

I'm gonna come.

Ohh!

That was incredible.

I know. I'm gonna go

make pizza bagels.

Victory tasted sweet.

The hangover

from his recent drug binge did not.

That is some trophy. Mmm!

She is a beaut.

I won one like that once at

a high school track meet.

What was the event?

Oh, yeah. Steeplechase.

Difficult event.

Heck yeah. Yeah, it is.

Oh, yeah. But you know what?

There's something about people chasing

you that brings out your best,

you know what I'm saying?

Anyway, it's the darndest thing, Mr Varney.

I was checking the data from the inventory

against our prescription database again

today and it just didn't add up.

Hmm.

Not at all.

Sh*t, that's... That's odd.

Isn't it, though?

That's what I thought.

I didn't realise you were a

compounding pharmacy, Mr Varney.

Oh, this? We're not really... I had

this one customer, an older gentleman.

He's all f***ed up. Parkinson's.

He has trouble swallowing

so I have to make up a paste

for transdermal application.

And what customer would this be?

You know I can't tell

you that, Agent Carp.

I'm sorry.

I didn't notice that

when I was here before.

Anyway, I'm sure this

is all just a glitch

but if I could just see your prescription

ledgers for the past, say, 12 months,

and then I'll get out of

here just as quick as I can.

Sure thing. The only problem is

I have them at my home office.

- Your home office?

- Yeah, so why don't you come in Monday

- and we can talk about it then?

- Mr Varney, you're aware

that the federal code 101 B12

of the Narcotics Distribution Act

states that all ledgers be

kept at the licensed facility?

And 99.9% of the time they are.

It's just that...

It's just that after your last visit, I was

so concerned with getting things right

that I took my ledgers home to

double check against my own records,

which I keep on my

personal computer at home.

Right.

So...

I mean, look, I spilled a bottle

of amoxicillin the other day.

I got most of them,

but I might have missed a few,

may have even stepped on one.

I didn't say anything because, well, like

you said, everyone does that now and then.

Everyone but Walter Bishop.

Okay. I'll tell you what.

If you want to hang out for a bit,

I can run home and get them right now.

That won't be necessary, Doug.

I'll be back this way in a couple days.

How about you just have

them here for me then?

You got it.

And, hey, thanks again, Agent Carp,

for letting me off the hook.

Well, this investigation's

still pending, Doug.

I haven't let anyone

off the hook yet.

Okay, I'm in.

What do you mean "in"?

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hold on. Hold on.

You're in for what?

- For the plan, you know?

- What plan?

Jack, you know, let's do it. Let's

start over. Let's do it, baby.

Doug, wait a minute.

That was a joke.

- Come on, we were joking.

- I know! I know we were,

but, I mean, I've been thinking,

you know, a lot. I've been thinking a lot.

What is this, chardonnay?

About everything and, I mean,

my wife f***ing hates me.

This Carp guy's all over me.

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