Better Living Through Chemistry Page #6

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Here.

- A sedative?

- Here you go.

Thanks.

And I guess what I'm saying is

that, you know, you're right!

You're always right.

I'm the pharmacist, and he's

the guy with the bad heart.

You know what I mean?

Okay. Let's do it. Tomorrow.

Wow.

Okay, wow. That's soon. That soon?

Well, I don't want to waste

any more time being unhappy.

- Do you?

- Okay.

I usually head out

to our beach house

Friday morning to beat

the weekend rush,

so it won't be a

surprise that I'm gone.

As you know, Jack takes a lot

of medication for his heart.

ACE inhibitors, beta

blockers, ARBs.

Yes, that's a powerful mix. I usually

recommend valsartan, but that's...

Not really important

right now, is it?

What's important is the dosage.

Because of the various drugs, Jack gets

a 300-milligram dose of eprosartan,

but if he were to get,

say, 400 milligrams,

that slight bump in combination with his

usual after dinner trough of scotch,

well, then when they call me

at the beach the next day,

it's, "Oh, my God, Officer.

I'll be there as soon as I can!"

I'm his sole beneficiary, so I

sign some papers, collect it all,

and tell them to wire the

funds wherever we end up.

- Oh, so that's it, huh? Just like that?

- Just like that.

You get to tell that c*nt

on wheels where to stick it

and we can spend the rest of our

lives buying whatever looks good

and giving each other

mind-blowing orgasms.

Oh, my God, this is exciting!

- This is great!

- It's great!

Wait! Wait! There's just something

really, really important.

- You can't call me.

- What?

No contact whatsoever. Nothing

that could leave a trace, okay?

Well, how long? That's how long?

At least until it all blows over,

maybe a little longer.

Baby, here.

You relax, and let me give you a

little something to remember me by.

You don't have to do that. Okay.

Fax orders came in.

Doug filled Jack's order

like he always did,

but with one slight

and deadly change.

Noah. Noah.

I'm sorry! Here. Here! Is it an

"M" or a "W"? I don't know.

Hey, hey.

Hey.

Jesus Christ.

What the f*** are you on?

Are we being bros?

Are we being straight bros?

If we're being bros, last

night, I went out real hard.

I got on a Segway and I just went

to every place that served alcohol.

- Are you okay to drive at least?

- I drove here, didn't I?

It's imperative that all these

deliveries make it out today.

All of them.

People have been complaining

about you, Noah,

and we need to show our customers

that we can still be counted on,

like that big clock in the square,

to always be right, accurate.

- Mmm-hmm.

- Trustworthy.

That clock? That clock

is broken, Doug.

Just make the deliveries,

okay, Noah?

You can count on me.

No, I can't, which is why we're

having this conversation.

Okay! I'm going! Jesus Christ!

What the f*** is wrong with you?

Can you smoke in here?

- No!

- Sorry.

Can I get some more water? I like to

hydrate when I'm getting trashed.

- Hi!

- Hey!

It's mailman Morello!

Hey, Arnie! You ever get

back to Atlantic City?

Yes? No? I speak-a the English?

- Let's go.

- Where you going?

They didn't realise I'm the man

behind the curtain, the wizard.

I pull the strings.

Hey, Lloyd.

Is anybody sitting here?

Be my guest.

Hey, Lloyd, I called

in for a to-go order.

Let me have a Black Label,

neat, too. Thanks.

Okay. How about you?

Another vodka martini, my

good man, on the rocks.

- Good.

- Extra olives.

- I know.

- He knows.

That's the exact same

drink my wife orders.

It is?

Yeah, I mean, then again, martinis

are pretty popular, huh? I guess.

Do I know you?

Jack Roberts. I just moved

in a few months back.

I live over on Donneybrook.

- I'm Doug Varney. Yeah. Good to meet you.

- Yeah.

- That big place on the cul-de-sac, right?

- Yeah.

Well, it's too big if you ask me,

but that's what my wife wanted.

You live in town?

Just over 10 years now. I own the

pharmacy in the square, actually.

Really? Well, then you

definitely know my wife.

Why would you say that?

She eats enough pills, she can keep

Pfizer in business by herself.

- I'm sure you know her.

- Well, we get a lot of customers.

I can't even think of somebody...

- Thanks, Lloyd.

- Sure.

- Cheers.

- Cheers.

Are you married? Why?

Are you trying to pick me up?

- Well, marriage is hard goddamn work.

- Yeah,

they don't tell you that when you're

registering at Crate and Barrel, huh?

No, they do not.

I've been married three times.

I still have no clue what I'm doing.

I've always been the type of guy that

keeps a steady stream of gifts rolling in

just to avoid conflict.

You know? I make

a nice living. I'm lucky,

so why not spread it around?

Women are tough, but there's

nothing like seeing their face.

It just lights up when you bring home

some flowers or something sparkling.

I like that. It makes me

feel good. You know?

Wifey's away,

so I'm cooking tonight.

I know what that's like.

Lloyd, let me take care

of his drinks, too, okay?

You shouldn't do that.

That's very nice of you.

It's the least I could

do for a new neighbour.

Besides, I heard what those

vandals did to your pharmacy.

That's disgusting. Horrible.

I'm sorry about that.

All right.

- Have a good night. Bye, Lloyd!

- Bye-bye!

- Bye, Eve.

- Thank you.

My pleasure.

Hey, barkeep.

I think you've had enough, pal.

I just want a pen and some paper.

No more drinking.

Just give me a pen and

some paper. Thank you.

Dear Kara, I think we both know that

it's time for things to change.

I know I'm not the man your

father thought you deserved.

You know what? I don't...

Your father's a f***in' a**hole.

This will be hard on Ethan,

and that breaks my heart,

but in the long run,

it's better to be raised

by two happy parents apart

than miserable ones together,

but if he starts in with that shitting

stuff again at school, you let me know.

There's a whole world out there, Kara,

and it's time for me to experience it.

You should check it out yourself

and not just from the

seat of a bicycle.

We've both made mistakes.

That all ends tonight.

I wish I could have been a

stronger man for you. I really do.

But, damn, do I wish you

had been a better woman.

Take care of yourself.

Doug.

What the hell am I doing?

What am I doing?

Hey, where are you going?

Hey. I gotta head to work.

Early bird and all that.

Wait, Dad.

- Dad!

- Yeah?

You're coming into

school today, right?

Of course.

Right. I wouldn't miss it for

the world, buddy. I'll be...

- I'll be there.

- Bye.

Hello!

Hello? Hello?

Jack!

Jack!

Mr Roberts!

Jack!

F***. I f***ing killed him.

Help! Help! Somebody!

Hello! Anybody there?

Take it easy.

Ahh! Nice doggie! Nice doggie!

Hey, it's me.

God damn it, pick up

the phone! Please!

Elizabeth! Where are you?

I think I killed him!

I think I f***ing killed him!

God damn it! F***!

F***!

God damn it.

Come on! Come on!

God damn it!

God damn it.

Let's go!

Oh, sh*t!

Aw, f***!

Okay, next up is Mr Varney.

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