Better Off Dead... Page #2

That's funny.

He wiped his nose after I did.

Maybe I got dirt on my nose

when I itched it.

God, he's too embarrassed

to tell me.

I must look sickening.

There she goes again.

What could it be?

Dirt? Relish?

Relish on my nose? How gross.

- She might think it's...

- Usually Nazis.

Not that. Please don't

let it be a booger.

Not now. Please, God.

I don't get it. How could...

How could she

throw away six months?

I mean, six months?

Just like that?

No explanation, no reason.

Just throw it away.

Doesn't...

How can you just

throw away six months?

I mean, when you're

in love with someone...

Six months is just...

I'm history.

Just bam!

Like that, I'm gone.

She's probably just testing me.

A big test.

That's probably... That's her.

That's her.

- Johnny.

- Four weeks.

Twenty papers.

That's two dollars.

- Plus tip.

- I don't have a dime. Sorry.

Didn't ask for a dime.

Two dollars.

Well, it's funny, see.

My mom had to leave early...

to take my brother to school

and my dad to work 'cause...

Two dollars. Cash.

The problem here is...

my little brother, this morning...

got his arm caught

in the microwave and...

and my grandmother dropped acid

and freaked out...

and hijacked a school bus

full of penguins.

So it's kind of a family crisis.

So come back later? Great.

Breakin'up is hard to do

Don't take your love...

- To me, and she's gone

- And she's gone

Fifty ways to leave your lover

Hurts so bad

They say that breakin'up

is hard to do...

The three cardinal

trapezoidal formations...

hereto made orientable

in our diagram...

by connecting

the various points...

HIGK, PEGQ and LMNO...

creating our geometric

configurations...

which have no properties,

but with location...

are equal to

the described triangle CAB...

quintuplicated.

Therefore...

it is also

the five triangles...

composing

the aforementioned NIGH.

Each are equal to the triangle

CAB in this geometric concept.

Therefore, in a like manner...

the geometric metaphors...

can derive

a repeated vectoral sum.

This was your assignment...

and I would like

to see the results.

Please, take them out.

Oops.

Sophia.

- And Buster.

- Please!

- Me! Me!

- And... Beth.

- And...

- Please! Please!

- Please, please!

- Mr. Myer.

Please join us

at the blackboard...

and show us your solution

to this paltry geometric dilemma.

Sorry.

For God's sakes,

would you relax?

- It's just our virginity.

- Yeah, I agree totally.

I feel like we should tell someone

or do something.

I can get my dad's Polaroid

or something.

- What was that?

- What was what?

I heard something.

We're in the most secluded place

in the Northern Hemisphere.

I assure you

we are totally alone.

Come on.

What's wrong?

That thing I put on me...

it broke.

Broke? It broke?

- Take it easy. I'll buy a new one.

- I don't want a new one!

- Do you know what that means?

- I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

Now, now.

I'll see you all tomorrow.

Just remember to memorize pages

- All right!

- Cool!

I just can't wait

till tomorrow.

Wait for me at my locker.

Listen...

I've been thinking about what

you told me last night...

and I've decided

I'm gonna help you.

How?

I've been going to this high school

for 71/2 years.

I'm no dummy.

I know high school girls.

Two things. One...

how about your sax?

The thing about Roy is

he plays the guitar.

- He does?

- Yeah. Girls love that.

- Why don't you take up sax again?

- Number two?

The K-12, dude.

You make a gnarly run

like that...

and girls will get sterile

just looking at you.

Would you stay behind?

I'd like a word with you.

We'll do this.

Talk to you later.

Yes, sir?

This is a bit awkward.

Yes, sir.

Well...

I've heard a few things, and...

Well, I was wondering...

if you would mind

if I took out Beth.

And I love you so much

'Cause I met you

in first grade

Yes, I love you

What'd you go

and do that for?

Really. Why?

That's sick.

"Sick"? I love you.

How could you dump me for him?

Face it.

You're a no-show, a loss.

You're immature. You can't do

a single thing by yourself.

You're a spastic Nerf bag

all the time.

And besides,

Roy can ski the K-12.

How could I enjoy high school

with you as a boyfriend?

Any girl in this school would be

overwhelmed to go out with me.

Chris Cummins?

You haven't got a chance.

- She'd go out with me in a second.

- Listen, you forget.

Chris Cummins dates

the basketball team.

Not certain members of the team.

The whole team.

You so much as talk to her,

you're dead.

So let's just say

you give it up.

Yeah, Oscar Mayer.

I think that's a fine idea.

I will not give it up!

You'll be sorry.

Someday you'll want me back!

Sorry.

I'm gonna get some milk.

Just one milk.

I'll be okay.

Watch this.

- Can I borrow these a minute?

- What's the idea?

Just for a minute.

Here. Buy yourself another leotard.

Be back in a minute, okay?

Excuse me.

I was thinking...

you skate, I skate...

we skate.

- Maybe we could get together and...

- You're a jerk.

Be a skating team.

- I was saying before...

- See you later, guys.

Let's go! Let's go!

- What?

- What are you doing?

- Nothing.

- Yes, you are.

Buck up, little camper.

- We'll beat that slope together.

- Yeah?

Yeah.

I'm right behind ya, buddy.

Man, it's a real shame

when folks be throwin' away...

a perfectly good white boy

like that.

If I could get past this first lip,

the rest would be a breeze.

I'm telling you...

Hold on!

Wait one second.

I think I'm on

to something here.

This is pure snow.

It's everywhere.

Have you any idea what the street

value of this mountain is?

Wait a minute. Hold it.

Outrageous.

I think I froze

the left half of my brain.

Look. I can't move

my right arm.

- Will you get serious?

- Look, dude...

it's Christmas Eve.

I could be home right now

drinking this monster eggnog...

my brother makes

with lighter fluid.

You've been staring

over that edge for hours.

People die down there.

And dying

when you're not really sick...

is really sick, you know?

This is very important to me.

I mean, really.

If I don't believe in myself,

I'm nothing.

I'll be as bad as Ricky Smith.

He sits around crocheting all day

and snorting nasal spray.

- I gotta do it!

- He snorts nasal spray?

Know where I can score some?

- Are you gonna help me or not?

- All right. All right.

I'll tell you what to do.

Go that way really fast.

If something gets

in your way, turn.

What a coach.

I'm gonna do it.

All right! Now turn!

Hello, Beth? Hey, it's Christmas.

I was thinking

maybe me and you could...

No, we didn't open

our presents yet.

You did.

The cutest thing ever.

From Roy.

A giant teddy bear

bigger than you.

Sounds great.

It really does sound good.

Look, I gotta go.

The Christmas tree's on fire.

Now open this one next.

I remembered

how much you liked...

the chocolate-nut brownie

in this one.

And look, corn in seasoned sauce.

He likes corn.

Now, come on. Don't be shy.

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