Better Off Single

So, I'm not a big

believer in blind dates.

- Uh, me neither.

Even though work colleagues

swore I'd like her...

My sister promised I'd like him.

- Still...

- - We were skeptical.

That is until...

I saw her.

And I saw him.

- Something clicked. We started talking.

- We couldn't stop

- the whole night. -Closed down the

restaurant and went and got drinks.

And then he's such a gentlemen.

- He walked me home.

- Well, almost home.

Right,

'cause on this dark street,

these two huge

thugs with brass knuckles...

- And nunchucks.

- -And really bad skin.

They grabbed me, said that they wanted

our money and were going to rape me.

We want your money

and are going to rape you.

- It was horrible.

- -Well, it could've been.

Right, if Barry

hadn't vowed to protect

New York City streets since

being orphaned as a boy.

- Yeah. I'm

the trust-funded avenger.

Is he ever. Barry learned

Thai-stick fighting

on the rough

streets of Princeton.

He was so calm and strong.

I'd never seen a throwing star.

Lucky for them,

I was with a beautiful lady

otherwise, I wouldn't

have been so nice.

And after seeing

the almost tender way

- he vanquished

those ruffians...

I am quite compassionate.

I knew right then, it was time.

Time for me to take

her virginity.

I thought I would be scared

but, thankfully, prior to me

Barry had made love

to more than 80 women.

- 83... which is a lot.

- I felt like I was made of light...

A sexual firefly or something.

Hot-throbbing...

- Fetishistic climaxes

again and again and again.

And, the next morning,

after we won $38 million

playing nickel slots...

And started travelling the world

and haven't stopped since.

But, Charlie, that's us, yo.

What about you?

- I haven't seen you since, I

don't know, high school. -Wow.

What's goin' on? Tell us

about your lucky lady.

You've got one of those, right?

Yeah, what's goin' on with you?

Ever notice when you're

not in a relationship

everyone else is in

a ridiculously happy one?

Seriously?

Unbelievable.

I mean, this guy?

These two?

It's not like this sh*t

ever works out for me.

Charlie, you called her

ten times a day

for the past two weeks.

She doesn't like you, dude.

Now help me find this

boomerang before your mom

- makes us do geometry.

- -Was it my fault?

Who puts a heart around "no"

if she doesn't mean "yes"?

Come on.

And college was even worse.

All I'm saying is next time

don't leave me there by myself

while you go talk

to frat guys all night, okay?

You're the one who told me to go

flirt for free beer, remember?

- You didn't have to like it so much.

- Charlie...

So that's how to avoid

failing the final exam.

Christ.

You name the relationship

I'll tell you

where it went wrong.

That dog was

such a buzz-kill.

Let's just say we're both

happy it ended...

Like how all my relationships

ended... happy.

Well, until Angela.

You have got to be kidding me.

Angela, I'm sorry I woke you up.

You used to like

middle-of-the-night sex.

I mean you are white-hot,

basically naked in my bed.

You practically groped me.

With my knee?

While sleeping?

- Sh*t. Do you

see it anywhere?

Hey!

- It's gonna be all right.

Okay? -I told you

to shut that window.

Blood-sucking mosquitoes

are never gonna let me sleep.

- Honey. -I'm already

nervous for my meeting.

Hey. Honey, honey,

honey, honey.

Listen...

- You know tomorrow's

gonna go great.

And I promise you, even if I have

to stay up all night to do it,

you can sleep the entire time.

That mosquito's teeny

tiny little life will end.

And ever since Angela

and I broke up

I just can't stop thinking.

Don't just kill it...

Torture it.

Pump it for information

find out where those

insect sleeper cells live.

I'm gonna waterboard the

sh*t out of that mosquito.

Good.

And I don't care what the

mainstream liberal media

- has to say about it.

- Mmm.

The little f***er deserves it!

I love you.

Mmm. You promise

that mosquito dies after?

Alive mosquitoes

are so last year.

- Just in case.

- Hmm.

Whoa. Oh.

And even though

Angela and I are finished,

"why" just doesn't make sense.

I mean, wouldn't it have

been simpler for us

if we just did the things

in our relationship

that our grandparents

did in theirs?

They never split up.

Hell, even our

parents' generation

did enough to at least

fake-out the kids pre-divorce.

And while I know pretending

is no sure-fire cure-all

it sure as sh*t beats reality.

I don't know.

I wish just once

I had a clue what to do.

And, I mean, I just can't

get out of my head.

My brain just keeps playing

and replaying and replaying.

"Why did

the relationship end?"

How can I get over her?

And I don't know.

So...

No change then?

I really, really tried

to make it work, Charlie.

But you just didn't live here.

You were in another world.

What about the daydreams

and sex fantasies?

Are you still having those?

No.

Look, I know you believe

that other couples

are truly happy

but the truth is, they aren't.

Nobody's happy

unless they're single

and don't have to make compromises...

relationship compromises

that frankly suck for everyone.

Even single people

only think they're happy

but they really aren't.

They hate their parents,

they hate their jobs

and their goddamn

fantasy football teams.

Whatever they can come up with

to keep themselves miserable.

Miserable, Charlie, is what

people are meant to be.

You mind if I smoke?

I wish you could hear

half of the incessant whining

that goes on in this room.

You people are relentless.

Although my Catskills cabin

does say thank you.

Well, then sign me up

for six more years

of these sessions

right now, can we?

Charlie, you pose

a very good question...

Very good...

About our sessions.

Um, Charlie.

We need to talk. I've wanted to

bring this up for a long time,

but with your birthday

and the summer holidays

and that layoff situation

you've been dealing with,

I didn't think

it was the right time...

But, you know, when is it really

the "right time"?

Charlie, what I'm saying is

I think it would be good for us

to take a little time off.

It's August, right?

You're probably headed to

wherever that massive

therapist rave is.

Wherever you guys go this time of year.

Just give me the dates.

- It's fine.

- No, that's not it.

Charlie, look.

I need to stop seeing you

because it's time for me to

start seeing other people.

Oh. Is it

something I said?

No, it's not you, Charlie

it's me.

You know, you saying that

- really does bring up

a lot of feelings for me.

Sh*t. I really

gotta take this.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

I'm gonna need

some more of this stuff.

I don't know where the

hell you got this sh*t,

but it's spectacular.

Throbbing, fetishistic climaxes

again and again and again.

There's no question

Franco made a great play.

Just catching the ball

at your feet is tough enough

let alone one

sailing end-over-end

then to dance down the sideline

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