Better Off Single Page #2

even throw in a little

bit of stiff-arm?

Yeah. It was incredible.

But still...

It's not the same thing.

Now, baseball, on the other hand

now, that is a game of matchups.

That is a game of intent.

You can't get lucky

and hit a 98-mile-an-hour

fastball.

You can't get lucky and

throw a sweeping curveball

nailing the outside

corner of the plate.

I mean, what's better

than two outs,

bottom of the ninth,

three-two count,

a runner on second

and down by a run?

The pitch Dennis Eckersley

intends to throw

and the swing kirk Gibson

intends to put on the ball...

One pitch, one swing... a world series

winner and a world series loser?

I mean, it's insane!

But listen to me, rambling on.

All talking...

Talking is exactly what we

don't need me to be doing,

- now do we?

You, my friend

need to be watching

further examples

of baseball's superiority to

every other sport in the world

while I...

I need to...

Well, you'll

figure out the rest.

That's some athleticism,

wouldn't you say, Kenny?

An all-star caliber move.

No question about it.

- So smooth. -Makes a

tough play look easy

time and time again.

What is that noise?

Good morning,

ladies and gentlemen

we are delighted to have

you aboard this 45-minute

non-stop flight to New

York's Laguardia airport.

Please ensure that your seatbacks

are in upright position

your tabletops are stowed

and that you have avoided

our thousand dollar

check-bag fee

by placing absolutely

everything you own

in the overhead bins above.

If you are seated

in the middle seat

this does entitle you

to the use of both armrests

regardless of whether the stupid

f***er sitting next to you

has any idea of airplane

etiquette whatsoever.

After takeoff, you will be

permitted to use the iPhone

but prior to that time even

the single use of an iPhone

will cause the plane to crash

resulting in your eternal damnation

- straight to hell.

- Welcome aboard.

Oh, sh...

Whoopsies!

Wow. May I be of some

assistance to you?

- Yeah, that'd be great. -I'll

tell you what I'm gonna do.

I am gonna give this to you...

Little "Presie"...

And I will take this

and you can pick it up at

gate check on your way out

- when we land in New York.

- No, it's a really small bag.

- Yes. -There has to be

some room on board for it.

Hmm. You poor,

poor dear.

I'll tell you what I'm

gonna do for you.

Come see me when you

are exiting the aircraft

and I will credit you with

quadruple miles for today's flight

that you will never

be able to redeem, hmm?

Buckle up.

- This is me.

You just got totally hosed.

- I know, right?

- Mm-hmm. Yeah.

- Half the bags on this flight are

bigger than that. -Seriously.

Thought it was bad getting the full

Monty going through X-ray search.

Oh, that's nothing. See

that old lady over there?

She practically begged for the thumb

treatment. She's such a terrorist.

- Look at her. Don't let that fool you.

- Such a terrorist.

Um...

- Online dating, huh?

- You saw that, did ya?

- I'm not judging.

- Wanna give me a hand?

- Mm-hmm. Yes, I do.

- Yeah?

Okay.

Date or no date?

Well, how 'bout...

Oh! Sally!

- She's 28, enjoys

emasculation of men -Sally.

Throwing up after meals

and long walks on the beach.

- Date. Definitely.

- Yeah?

- Yeah. She had me at "emasculation." -Wow.

You're a natural.

- Okay, Gretchen. She's 30 -ooh.

Gretch.

She enjoys lying about

her age, being sensitive

smart and funny and only

posting one picture

- that was taken 12-15 years ago.

- Yeah. Without question

- she will look that good in person.

- Mm-hmm.

- Without question. Take her out tonight.

- Tonight?

Yeah.

Don't even wait a minute.

I already have plans tonight.

She's out on work release so...

- That'd be pretty hard to reschedule.

- That's too bad.

- She is really a keeper.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

So, um...

You from the city?

- Yeah. Just coming back from

visiting my sister. -Mm.

- You?

- Yup. New York.

- Interview.

- Oh? Nice.

Yeah. I, uh, been thinkin'

about makin' a switch

to the non-profit

sector for a while.

- You know, actually do some good.

- Uh-huh.

- Wish I was doing that. -I

figure look for a new job now

or wait till I'm 60 and announce my

retirement in conference room "d"

having never surpassed

my greatest achievement

which is writing the jingle for the

stroller with the built-in ashtray.

- That jingle is catchy. -Oh, yeah.

It's catchy like the clap.

Wait. Oh!

Excuse me.

- No, no, no. -Could we get two

more aviations and soda...

- Please? -Hmm. Could

I just tell you

how happy I am for once to be

sitting next to the hot chick?

I never sit next to the

hot chick on the flight.

I mean, the elderly, constantly.

The extraordinarily sweaty,

the really hot guys

all the time,

but you... mm.

I win.

I won. I won.

So, forgive me,

but I need to take

this once-in-a-lifetime

opportunity and try to...

Convert this into, say, a date.

Maybe.

Outside of

the pressurized chamber

we sit in.

I'm Angela, by the way.

- Charlie.

- Hmm.

Really pleased

to meet you, Charlie.

You too.

I don't have the clap.

Now, I'm gonna

turn over the next card.

I want you to concentrate

and tell me what it is, okay?

And, remember,

there are no wrong answers here,

so, just tell me

what you think it is

as soon as I flip it over, okay?

That's a dead

puppy-doggy.

Okay. You don't have

to answer right away.

Okay? You can take time to think

and be sure about what you see.

- You understand?

- Uh-huh.

All right, now, Tammy,

you just give it...

That's a dead puppy-doggy

that got cut open by a knife.

Okay. Oh.

Like we said, there are

no wrong answers here,

so, let's just try another one.

- That's mommy and daddy.

- Okay. Good.

Mommy and daddy.

That's great, Tammy.

- Mommy's cooking for daddy.

- All right!

See? That's a really

nice thing for mom...

Mommy's putting smashed-up

glass in daddy's soup

to make him cry.

For mommy to do.

Doctor Donovan, Charles

Carroll's on line two.

Dude, I am having the best day

- and I just had to share. -Great, man.

What's goin' on?

I am the proud owner of a brand-new

date next Tuesday night.

With a woman? How'd you pull

that at 11:
30 in the morning?

- You been drinkin'? -It's never

too early for the nectar of love,

my friend.

And don't get all weird on me,

but this Angela chick,

she could be the one.

Oh, man! You don't

know this chick.

Oh, come on! I'm happy.

Leave me alone.

No, I'm just saying,

you know how you get. Gee, thanks, Oprah.

Can I come on your show?

- I'm having this problem with my best friend.

- First of all,

you ever watch Oprah? Maybe you should.

Oprah knows her sh*t.

Second, what do you

know about this chick

- that makes you think she could be the one?

- I know enough.

Really?

She a Yankee fan or Mets?

She like Belgian beer like you

or does she have

to keep things gluten-free?

Does she actually laugh

at "groundhog day"

or does she wonder why the f***

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