Better Than Sex Page #5

The shirt goes with the curtains.

The lipstick and the belt go perfectly.

You're hopeless.

Now, do you like this one?

Why don't l have anything

to wear?

See?

-Okay, the bath was a good idea.

-You didn't really want to go out.

Didn't wanna wait for you

to do makeup.

Oh, I'm like lightning.

Just a bit of lippy.

Yeah, one quick coat and then

l'm ready to face the world.

Tell me, are you in love

with someone in London?

No.

-Are you seeing someone?

-No, not that l know of.

Well, do you like someone?

l mean, do you have any girlfriends?

Yeah. Yeah, some.

What about you? Boyfriends?

Yeah, but l'd never wanna spend

the rest of my life with them, you know.

l mean, l like the idea

of being close to someone, but....

So you think we'd be here like this

if l wasn't leaving tomorrow?

No way. l mean, l'd sleep with you,

but you'd definitely have to go after that.

No. l guess l'm really good at

getting to the sleeping-with bit...

...but not good at going

from the sleeping-with bit...

...to the being-with bit.

-So tell me....

-Yes?

How many guys have you got

to this sleeping-with bit?

You want to know how many

sexual partners l've had?

Yeah, if you wanna tell me.

A few.

-Quite a few.

-How many is ''quite a few''?

l don't know. You're not going to go

all strange on me, are you?

Because l've slept around a bit.

Of course not.

Nothing wrong with a bit of practice.

Okay, you wanna f*** anything

that moves. What's the big deal?

You're deranged.

Okay.

Twenty-seven.

No, 28, if we're just counting guys,

and 31 otherwise.

l'm gonna take for granted

the extra three were women.

-Good idea.

-Twenty-eight?

-That's a pretty good memory.

-Yeah.

l was having this exact

conversation with number 2 7...

...a few weeks ago,

and he didn't like it too much.

What, he wanted to know

how many?

-Didn't like it?

-Nope.

Hang on, let me get this straight.

You found this guy attractive?

-And you asked him up here?

-Yeah.

You're both naked,

you're having sex, right?

-No complaints?

-No complaints.

-He should be happy.

-l know.

l hate it when guys

make you feel like that.

So come on, your turn.

What? What, how many?

Well, l was a virgin

before you forced me up here.

-Come on, how many?

-l don't know. Never really counted.

Well, ballpark it.

Okay, l'd say 40 to 50.

-Probably closer to 50.

-Fifty! God, you're such a slut.

-All women.

-Of course.

So when did you embark

on this rampage?

l was probably about 1 7. This older

woman who must've been all...

...of about 23 just climbed on top

and attacked me.

Started humping away.

l must've done it about 50 times.

l'd have been happy with just once.

Fifty times.

We're certainly slacking off a bit.

At that age you only have to be in the

same hemisphere as a naked woman...

...and little Elvis starts tapping

you on the shoulder.

Well, well, well.

Look what we've got here.

Looks like Elvis is wanting

to tap you on the shoulder.

l think he wants to tap you.

When it first goes in,

every part of me blushes.

l refuse to let him put that thing

anywhere near my mouth.

lt definitely turns me on doing it.

l feel really sexy.

lt's the best thing in the world.

lt's more intense than sex.

l don't let the guy look at me.

l don't think it looks sexy.

l mean:

lt's hardly a good look.

Oh, that feels good.

Lift your hips, will you?

l'm not a fish.

You're pretty good with a snorkel.

Sometimes you can't get your

mouth open wide enough.

lf it's a new guy,

l want to be down there pronto.

lt's pure sex, and l like how powerful

it makes me feel.

Puts me in control of the situation.

l like that.

And l can just lie back

and lose myself.

lt makes me feel really into her,

you know?

This is too good.

l don't know, swallowing it....

Yes, please.

No. No, l don't. l couldn't.

Yes, please.

l love you.

Well, maybe if l was in love.

You know l love you. Please?

l've done it.

l do it.

But l usually stop just before he....

Marry me.

Thank you.

Busting!

-What time are you leaving?

-My plane's at 1 or something.

-l'd drive you, but--

-Oh, no, no. l'll get a cab.

Good. l hate

long-winded goodbyes.

Excuse me.

Do you think l'm getting

a little fat?

-Think l'm getting fat?

-How would l know?

l've only known you

for three days.

For all l know, you could have lost 50

kilos and been a real porker a week ago.

Yeah, l think l'm getting

a bit pudgy.

Sure l can't convince you to stay?

-No. l gotta go.

-All right.

-Help us make the bed, then?

-Yeah, okay.

Oh, f*** me.

Oh, I just want you to f*** me.

Oh, God! F*** me.

-F***ing sexy.

-Oh, f***, you're so f***ing sexy!

Oh, yeah.

-lt was a f***.

-lt was just a f***.

lt was like the first night.

Something physical, l suppose...

-...to remind us why we were there.

-Something anonymous...

...to help me get rid of

how confused l felt.

To make his leaving easier.

-Stop it.

-Oh, l'm gonna be so late.

You're gonna have to bite it off.

l'm not moving.

Oh, sh*t!

Look at the time.

l'll give you a call, okay?

l'll call you.

You don't have to.

l'm not expecting you to.

Okay. l won't then.

-l'm not gonna call you.

-Oh, God.

l don't want you to say it.

lf you just--

Are you trying to provoke me?

l gotta go.

Okay.

l'm leaving a fake number

over here, okay?

l just want you to f*** me

and then piss off.

Can you believe these two?

-Did he ask her?

-She's only known him three days.

-She just went.

-l didn't see her talking to anyone.

-l--

-That's more like it.

What do you got to lose?

-Gone? Gone where?

-Fantastic.

lt won't last long.

Wait till the blood returns to her brain.

l was stupid, really.

We should've just come out with it.

Coughed up how we felt.

But somehow it just sneaked up on us.

Neither of us wanted

to make the first move.

lt didn't seem real that

what was happening could be possible.

l don't believe it!

What do you mean,

she's gone to London?

-She's crazy.

-What about my dress?

l remember when l was your age.

What a great time.

-A world of possibilities.

-Can you hurry up?

-Can l give you a word of advice?

-Can l stop you?

You two have got to start

talking to one another.

l'll sue you!

Oh, it was unbelievable. There's one

no-show, and l got the last seat.

l was as nervous as hell.

But I thought the best thing to do was

to surprise him once we're in the air.

Okay, okay.

Okay, pull over, pull over.

Unbelievable!

lt's never easy, is it?

l was stuck here in London, and he

couldn't get on a plane for three days--

Hello. How's London?

Well, apart from the cold, the rain,

the class system and the English...

...l thought it might be

a nice place to live.

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