Beverly Hillbillies

---

(growling)

(howls)

I swear, if you don't learn to share this honey,

I'm gonna give you a real whompin'.

Now, go on!

- (boy) Is the doctor in?

- No doubt about it.

What's ailing you, Fat Elmer?

I ate too much cheese. Now I can't burp.

Can you fix me, Granny?

(belches, then farts)

(dog barks)

Dang.

Before I sign anything, I wanna know

how much money we're talkin' about.

Mr Clampett, there's more petroleum

in your swamp than there is in all of Kuwait.

That bad, huh?

Mr Clampett, you are sitting on

the biggest domestic oil strike in history.

And when you sign these contracts,

we're going to pay you one billion dollars.

Do you have anybody

who can advise you on these contracts?

Cousin Jethro's coming

for Sunday supper, Pa.

He's the one with the learning.

He went to school at Oxford.

(# "White Lightnin"' by Joe Diffie)

- Jethro?

- Yes, Ma?

Did you fix those bare-as-bones brakes?

Course. I pulled 'em off yesterday.

The new ones

are coming in the mail next week.

(screams)

- Jethro!

- Howdy, Granny.

You dad-blame, simple-minded yahoo!

Your crack-pluckin' head's emptier

than last year's bird's nest!

If your head was filled with dynamite,

you wouldn't know how to blow your nose!

- Granny!

- Just get out of my sight!

Jedediah, you're fixing to be

the richest man in this here county.

Look at how you live.

Your land's overrun with snakes and skunks.

You've got no TV, no telephone

and no radio.

You're right, Pearl. We are living in paradise.

No, Jed. Paradise is someplace like...

Beverly Hills, California.

They got swimming pools and movie stars.

- And smog.

- What's a smog?

I reckon it's a small hog.

Now, think about your daughter.

You need to get remarried

and she needs a mom,

someone to teach her womanly ways.

She's runnin' wild, Jed.

She's no different than a boy.

Imagine that. Elly May wearing

fancy dresses and acting ladylike!

Well, that don't sound like much fun.

(Jethro laughs mockingly)

Beverly Hills.

(Pearl) Listen to what I'm saying, Jed.

It would be the best thing for y'all. Just pack

up all your belongings and move on out.

Jethro could drive you out in the truck.

I ain't drivin' in no movin' vehicle

with no dunderhead!

I ain't no dunderhead.

Come on, put me down!

Set him down.

- (Pearl) See what I mean?

- (Jed) Who are you, mister?

Ozark Mountain Oil. Mr Briggs sent me

to see if you'd signed the contract.

Elly May Clampett.

Well, that's it.

I've made my decision.

For the good of this here family,

I'm movin' us to Beverly Hills.

Don't you worry, Elly May. We're gonna

take good care of your critters for you.

- Thanks, Sam. I know you will.

- (sobs)

Oh, Ma.

What's all this I hear about you

not wanting to go to California?

I like it here. There ain't nothin' you can do

to get me off of this rockin' chair.

I ain't goin' nowhere! Cut me loose!

- Jedediah, I'm gonna skin you alive!

- Hush up, Granny.

Get goin', boy, before she breaks loose.

(# "Ballad of Jed Clampett"

by Jerry Scroggins)

(Jethro) Watch your head, Granny!

There are so many people in this here town.

It's gonna take a long time

to meet everybody.

Hey, nice wheels, buddy!

Jethro, why do you think

that fella's pointing at us?

I reckon that's the way

they wave howdy in California.

- Excuse us.

- Has escrow closed on the Clampett estate?

With an offer of 22 million cash,

it closed swiftly.

It is inspirational how you found a place for

the Clampetts right next door to your own.

Hathaway, the people who lived there

were my best friends for over 20 years.

It's a shame they had to file for bankruptcy.

I just hope my call to the IRS didn't

have anything to do with it. Well...

Now, what time does their flight arrive?

That's just it, Chief. They're driving.

Driving? From Arkansas?

I know. It makes no sense whatsoever.

Not to you, perhaps.

But to men with vision, like myself, that is

a sign of daring, self-confidence, vigour.

- Of course, Chief.

- (man chuckles)

Mm, doesn't he look busy at work?

Tyler, would you step in here

for a moment, please?

(woman screams) It's an earthquake!

- You wanted to consult with me?

- Sit down, Tyler. Relax.

I have heard you are quite excited

about the arrival of the Clampetts.

I think that you and I, together,

can fully exploit the potential

of the Clampett financial portfolio.

You and I. The two of us.

I've already drawn up

the power-of-attorney papers.

Have you, now?

So I can write cheques, arrange investments,

make international transactions,

really work the Clampett account.

- We'll be quite the team, sir.

- Hm.

Tyler, you will personally rescind, shred

and burn every paper you have drawn up

with regard to the Clampett account.

- I'll be handling that account personally.

- Duly noted.

And nice kick, sir.

Took me completely by surprise.

Tyler.

- The Clampetts will not be badgered.

- Sir?

They are not your common

garden-variety millionaires.

They are, in fact, billionaires.

By definition, people of discrimination,

discernment, great refinement.

(Jethro) Boy, howdy!

Hey, Jethro, we're supposed to go that way.

Hey! You cut us off, you bunch of nothings!

That's real nice, son. This here's what I carry.

Go, go, go!

Margaret!

Morgan, come in here a minute, please.

(TV) Hi, I'm Doug Llewelyn,

and welcome to "The People's Court".

- Where is your mother?

- She's changing.

That would be too much to hope for.

- I'm sorry. I have to cancel our lunch.

- What?

I have to spend

more quality time with Babette.

We are trying to do more things together.

Put the spark back, remember?

You claim the defendant has your dog?

- Actually...

- Yes or no?

- Yes, we do.

- Morgan. Morgan.

- It's your dog?

- Yes. I raised this dog from a pup.

And due to a...

- Morgan, I have a little job for you.

- Ajob?

Yes. J D Clampett has a daughter your age.

She's going to high school with you.

I want you to show her around,

just be her friend.

Oh, man. You wanna pay me

to hang out with her?

She must be a major bow-wow.

Son...

Morgan.

Close your eyes.

Close your eyes.

Now, picture this.

I cut off your allowance, cancel

your credit cards and delete you from my will.

Now, how do you see your future?

Grilling frozen cow parts at Burger King?

And people say you're stupid.

Monday morning, first period, 8am,

she'll be like the little sister

Mom thought would ruin her figure.

So the dog will go to the plaintiff, Rusty.

(dog whines)

Honey, I'm home!

Come and give your embezzling cowboy

a ride around the bungalow.

- No.

- Why not?

Cos I'm still living in this dump when

I should be in a mansion in Beverly Hills.

Laura, sweetheart.

Bungalows 3A, 3B and 3C are in Los Angeles.

We live in 3G

which technically is in Beverly Hills.

You're all talk, Tyler. You said

we'd have enough money this month

to buy me that little baby-seal-skin coat.

- We will.

- Promises, promises.

We will. J D Clampett, the billionaire,

just opened up an account at the bank.

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