Beverly Hillbillies Page #2

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Who is this Clampett guy? If he's so rich,

how come I've never heard of him?

Babycakes, this guy's got more money

than he knows what to do with.

Now, that's a problem

I think we can help him with.

(Granny) Stop the car, Jethro!

There's a fresh kill in the road.

Can'tjust leave it there.

You're right, Granny. Roadkill stew

sounds mighty good right now.

- (beeps horn)

- No, you don't, you old coot! I seen it first!

- Milburn, call Westec Security.

- I'm sure there's enough for us all.

- How revolting!

- (beeps horn)

They're probably just bein' neighbourly,

like them nice folks we met

on that extra-wide road.

Well, let's give 'em a California howdy.

- Howdy, y'all.

- Howdy.

Milburn!

(Margaret) Did you flip me off?

You reckon we're at the wrong spot?

Could be. Don't know.

It's the right address, Pa.

Weii-doggies!

(Elly May) The whole place looks brand-new.

Uncle Jed, there's a whole

'nother house up here.

(Jethro) This is a big ol' house.

(Elly May) Why do you reckon

they got two sets of steps?

That's easy. One's for going up,

the other's for going down.

Oh.

What a purdy critter!

Hello, police? This is Miss Jane Hathaway.

I wish to report the unlawful entry

of armed and dangerous hooligans

at the Clampett estate, 518 Crestview Drive.

I need you here Code Three

and I will be timing you.

I think you got you a new friend, Duke.

Cease and desist. Everyone.

If I were you, sir,

I would yield, submit and capitulate.

What are you desperadoes doing here?

- Well, it's a mighty long story.

- But he don't mind telling it.

- Pa was a-hunting one day with old Duke.

- And Duke spotted this big old jack rabbit.

So I throws up my gun and I takes my aim...

- Don't shoot!

- Pardon, ma'am?

(Hathaway) Two minutes and 46 seconds.

Attention inside! You're surrounded.

Drop your weapons and file out one at a time.

Don't shoot! They've taken me hostage.

Attention inside. Drop your weapons

and file out one at a time.

- This is the Beverly Hills Police Department.

- Told you this weren't no house.

You heard him. It's the police department.

This is your last warning.

All right, fire one in!

Look. They's a-playing kick-the-can.

I knew we shouldn't have never left home.

I knew it, I knew it!

- Right this way. We've ID'd them all.

- Excellent.

We want the wheels ofjustice to spin quickly.

These criminals must be incarcerated

before our client finds out what happened.

Exactly.

The reputation of Milburn Drysdale

is at stake.

Would everyone turn to the right, please?

Pathetic.

We have, starting on the left,

a Jedediah Clampett.

Then, next to him, his daughter Elly May.

And a Daisy May Moses, AKA Granny.

And a nephew, Jethro Bodine.

And some woman

involved in a drive-by slapping.

Oh, Chief! Chief, are you OK?

Chief, quickly.

Say something, say something!

You're fired!

Mr Clampett, sir. I am deeply sorry

for any embarrassment

my former assistant might have caused you.

Yes, sir. I humbly apologise

for my egregious error.

It will never happen again,

as I am no longer in the employ of the bank.

Chief, Mr Drysdale,

I will clean out my desk at once.

Oh, dear. Please, don't trouble yourselves.

Please, gentlemen. Thank you.

Don't trouble yourselves.

Thank you so much.

So, then, everything is fine?

Mr Clampett, please don't take

your money from my bank.

I'll do anything you want.

I'll contribute to charities, anything.

I'll eat mud.

That won't be necessary.

All I want is for this here lady

to watch over my affairs.

Me? You want me?

I reckon you done what you done

cos you didn't know we was who we was.

If we hadn't have been who we was,

we'd have still been much obliged

for you doing what you done.

Mr Clampett, I will work very hard for you.

I trust you will.

Is that all right with you, Mr Drysdale?

That's exactly what I'd do in your situation.

So we got ourselves a deal.

Absolutely.

To show there's no hard feelings, we'd like

to invite your family to Sunday supper.

- Thank you. We'll be there.

- I can swap recipes with your wife.

She'd love that.

In you go.

What are you doing?

We're just paying our respects.

Oh, no. This is a limousine.

You'll be going home in this.

So you take this

and I'll follow you in my Rolls-Royce.

- There you go.

- Is that your car?

- Yes, it is.

- Ain't that fancy?

Can I drive it?

You, drive my $180,000 Rolls-Royce?

Of course you can, son.

I think that's a great idea.

Hot dog!

(# "If You've Got the Money I've Got the Time"

by Ricky Van Shelton)

Howdy!

This is exciting.

Elly May Clampett, sit down!

- (phone rings)

- Oh, excuse me.

Hello?

Let Mr Clampett know that the full weight

of the bank is ready to help him.

Yes, Chief.

She thinks she's talking to somebody.

Ain't even a cord there.

Real estate, bonds, securities,

whatever it is he wants, it's his.

Mr Drysdale wants you to know that the bank

is ready to help in any way that it can.

There's one reason and one reason only

I moved out here.

- I'm looking to get hitched.

- Chief, he says he wants to get hitched.

- Hitched?

- Married.

- Married?

- Chief, that's what I said.

Miss Hathaway, if Clampett wants a wife,

tell him that you will personally find him one.

Chief, capable as I may be,

matrimonial brokering is...

Is now one of your specialties.

Congratulations, and good luck.

Yes, sir. Oh, dear. No problem.

Mr Clampett, just exactly

what are you looking for in a fiance?

A fiance?

Fiance is French

for the person you intend to marry.

I'm looking for a refined lady

to help me raise my daughter Elly May.

Aw, Pa, I'm already raised up.

- And refined.

- Don't spit from a movin' vehicle.

Wait till it stops.

(Granny) Jethro, save some for our guests.

Here you go, Uncle Jed.

(barking)

I think old Duke is sweet on your critter.

She's not a critter.

She's a champion French barbone.

And her purebred puppies

are going to be worth $3,000 each.

Son, what do you do?

Don't know. What do you do?

- I'm just president of a bank.

- Wow.

- Uncle Jed, can I be a president, too?

- Now, Jethro.

That's a mighty disrespectful thing

to say to Mr Drysdale.

No.

Ask him if you can be vice president.

- Vice president?

- Uh-huh.

Vice president, mm-hm. I think so.

We can always use another good man.

I'm gonna get me a fancy office

and a purdy secretary.

(door bell)

There's them bells again.

Jethro, I bet you there's somebody

standing at that front door right now.

If I was you,

I'd eat real quick whilst he's gone.

Looks good. Margaret?

Why don't you help yourself, dear?

Oh, good Lord. What is it?

- Howdy, mister.

- Hi, I'm Woodrow Tyler.

- I'm here to see Jed Clampett.

- Come on in.

No, no, no.

Tyler. What brings you here?

Sir, hello.

We took up a collection to buy

these beautiful flowers for our newest clients.

Welcome to Beverly Hills.

(Granny) Why, thank you, sonny.

Tyler, can the ham. Just introduce yourself

and get out of here, OK?

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