Beverly Hillbillies Page #3

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- Very pleased to meet you.

- Howdy.

- Elly May Clampett.

- He was fixin' to bite my hand!

(Jed) Stand him up.

- Tyler, apologise.

- My fault completely, Mr Clampett.

I moved too quickly.

You have a beautiful daughter.

And very strong.

Mrs Drysdale, what could help Elly May

be as refined as you?

Well, I went to finishing school in France.

No one understands refinement

and sophistication better than the French.

So you think we oughta

move ourselves to France?

- Yes, I do.

- No, you don't. No, she doesn't.

Actually, you can find a good French tutor

that'll come right to your home.

I don't wanna change. I just wanna be

who I am and I ain't goin' to no France!

(Margaret) Oh, my!

- Excuse me.

- (door slams)

Mrs Drysdale, if you ain't gonna eat

them vittles, can I have 'em?

Of course you can, son. Bon apptit.

Thank you.

Elly May, come on down here.

How'd you know where I was, Pa?

Cos ever since you could walk, you've been

climbing trees and cuddling critters.

It's high time you started thinking

about changing some things.

You need to start wearing dresses

and fixin' up nice.

But, Pa, folks'd call me a sissy.

It ain't sissy for girls to act like girls.

Ever since your ma died, I done what

I knew best and raised you up like a boy,

rough-housing, fishing, fighting.

Yeah, that stuff's fun.

Elly, nature made you a girl.

Lately she's been getting

more positive about it.

Aw, Pa.

Every time I look into your eyes,

I can see your ma there.

- Was my ma refined?

- Oh, yes.

She was a real genteel lady.

I miss her so much, even now.

I wanna be just like my ma was.

I reckon I do need somebody

to teach me the ways.

Yeah, reckon you do.

And now I got the means

to make that happen.

Tyler, don't you have

anything better to do today?

I thought you'd wanna know more

about the richest dumb guy in America.

He's a hayseed, a hillbilly.

- So this Clampett guy should be easy, huh?

- Yes.

We'd better do it before he gets married.

Married? Tyler, Clampett's getting married?

No. But he wants to.

Is the horny old goat

looking for some action?

Nah, he's just looking for a refined lady

to help raise his hellcat daughter Elly May.

But he did seem interested when somebody

brought up the idea of a French tutor.

A French tutor.

Aagh!

(door bell)

(French accent) Bonjour. My name is

Laurette Voleur and I am a French governess.

Well, come on in, ma'am.

Bonjour.

I am going door to door to see if anyone

needs my services. My business card.

(mouths)

Sorry, ma'am. I don't think so.

Are you sure?

Yep.

There is not a young woman in the house

who is perhaps a bit unruly?

Not that I can think of,

but, then again, we just moved here.

Nobody in need of refinement

and sophistication?

Nope.

Maybe you oughta try the neighbours.

Well, I am so sorry to bother you.

I will be going now.

What's the problem, ma'am?

I was just hoping that my services

would be needed, but...

- What do you do?

- I teach... How do you say this?

...rambunctious teenage girls

how to be more ladylike and proper.

Well, dog my cats.

Mrs Drysdale was just telling us about how

the French was the best at finishing a gal out.

Oui, they are. They are the very, very best

at making a woman a woman.

Hey, I just thought of something.

Maybe she could help with Elly May.

Here, rascal. Yeah.

You like swimming

in the cement pond, don't you?

Do you like it too, Frankie?

You taking that duck for a swim?

And over here by the cement pond

is my daughter Elly.

- Elly, say hello to Miss Laurette.

- Howdy, Miss Laurette.

Bonjour, Elly May.

It is such a pleasure to meet you.

I was thinking every day after school Miss

Laurette could help teach you to be a lady.

- How about that?

- OK.

Spanky likes you.

Not as much as I like him.

(Elly May) Go on, now,

and stay out of trouble.

I finally figured this game out, Spanky.

You take this ball,

you put it down this here gully,

it rolls down yonder.

Then you hurl yourself

down this slippery gully

and see how many of them there

snake-bashing clubs

you can knock down

before the ball gets there.

What a stupid idiot.

- Did you say something, ma'am?

- What a stupendous intellect.

That's cos I graduated to sixth grade, ma'am.

Only took three years.

(# "Wasted Days and Wasted Nights"

by Texas Tornados)

Now, Elly May, sit straight, chin up

and try to practise looking interested

when people are boring you.

- Greetings, Mr Clampett.

- Howdy, Miss Jane.

- Hello, Elly May.

- This here is Miss Laurette Voleur.

Bonjour, Mademoiselle Laurette.

Comment allez-vous?

(tuts)

I must only speak the English

in front of Elly May.

Of course. Mr Clampett,

drawing from Commerce Bank's clientele,

I have selected some preliminary

bridal prospects for you.

Oh, dear! Oh, my goodness!

Mon Dieu. How clumsy of me! I'm so sorry.

No problem. No problem whatsoever.

At the bank I have these in triplicate.

I shall return.

I'll walk you out, Miss Hathaway.

Why, thank you, Jethro.

(Laura) Mr Clampett, perhaps

we should discuss my weekly salary.

Shoo!

Shoo!

Shoo, cow! Excuse me. I'm just going to

reach over here and press this button.

Hello? Can anyone hear me?

- Can anyone hear me?

- Yeah.

- Can somebody help me? Hello?

- Miss Hathaway?

How does it feel to live in Beverly Hills?

- Hello?

- I can hear you. Where are you?

Please can somebody let me out of here?

I am trapped inside the wall.

Hello? Hello? Hello?

Just stay put, Miss Hathaway. I'll get you out.

Hello?

Watch your head.

Miss Hathaway?

Yoo-hoo!

Yoo-hoo!

I'm in. This is gonna be easier than I thought.

- So they bought the French thing.

- Mais oui.

They're bumpkins.

It's a crime they have so much money.

It's worse than a foreigner

winning the lottery.

I know exactly what I'm gonna do.

First I'll lure in Clampett. That'll be easy.

Next, I'll take Elly May

and slap on a little window-dressing.

Make him think I turned her into a real lady.

Then, when the time is just right,

I'll play one off the other,

and, wham, they won't know what hit 'em.

You're not gonna sleep with him, are you?

- That's not your problem.

- Laura, I got my hand on your butt.

- (phone bleeps)

- Hold on. I got someone on call waiting.

Hello? Hello?

It was nobody. OK, now, I got my hand

on your butt and I'm squeezing.

Tyler! Get your hand off my butt.

- Mr Drysdale.

- Get a pencil and write this down.

Yes, Mr Drysdale. Right. I can do that.

(# "I Ain't Never" by the Oak Ridge Boys)

(beeps horn)

Howdy. I'm Elly May.

You must be Mr Drysdale's son.

(splutters)

Thanks for picking me up.

Is this here your car?

Are we goin' to school

or are we just gonna stand here all day?

- Hey, y'all.

- She's with me.

Morgan, I'm tryin' to be friendly, but these

folks don't seem to wanna say howdy back.

- They sure are shy.

- So what? Elly May, who cares?

They're losers. Not one of them

is worth over 300 million. Uh-oh.

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