Beverly Hillbillies Page #4

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Well, if it isn't Morgan,

spelled big M, little organ.

- We've gotta go.

- Not so fast, bank boy.

- Cough up your lunch money now.

- All I have is $400 in traveller's cheques.

So just sign 'em and hand 'em over.

Jake, show these two what happened

to the last guy who didn't pay up.

I can wire the money to your account.

Before the close of the business day.

I don't see why you have to give

anything to that gorilla.

That gorilla is captain of the wrestling team.

Wow. I never wrestled a team before.

Lessen you count the McCarter triplets.

Cappuccino?

- What?

- Two.

Thank you, Tiffany.

This electronic whittler works real fine.

Why, hello, Jethro.

Well, howdy, Miss Hathaway.

My, don't you look strapping

in your new business suit. Armani?

No, I'm pretty sure it's wool.

Sure does itch like wool.

- Miss Hathaway?

- No, we're colleagues. Call me Jane.

Me Jane, you Jethro.

(mimics Tarzan)

OK. OK, Miss Hathaway.

Can I get an electronic whittler

for Uncle Jed?

- It's his birthday coming up real soon.

- Let me make a note of that.

Speaking of your Uncle Jed, back to the job

at hand - finding him a suitable wife.

Can I help? Back in the holler

my ma was the best matchmaker around.

- Is that so?

- Uh-huh.

First thing she'd do is get

the back-fence gossips to start a-jawin'.

We could drop some items

in the trades. Excellent.

Thank you. And then she'd... What'd she do?

She'd hang a sign

on the church bulletin board.

Maybe we can get a big bulletin board.

No, we'd better be a bit more discreet.

What are your uncle's favourite things?

That's easy. He likes smoked crawdads,

sowbelly and hand-slung chitlings,

and sponge cake.

Besides food, Jethro.

- He likes people who don't waste nothin'.

- Go on.

And his favourite song is "I'm So Lonesome

I Could Cry" by Hank Williams.

Yes!

(# "I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry"

by Hank Williams)

(music continues)

(knocking)

Entrez.

Excuse me, ma'am.

Is that Hank Williams I hear?

- I'm sorry. It must be too loud.

- No, no.

I was just listening to it

while repairing this old dress

and waiting for my sponge cake to bake.

- Are you cookin' a sponge cake?

- Oui. It is my specialit.

I love this music. It makes me want to dance.

It's so romantic.

You are a fine dancer

and a very attractive man.

Whomever Miss Hathaway finds for you

to marry is going to be a very happy woman.

Thank you, ma'am.

And all women know

ha-peenis is hard to find.

- Excuse me?

- Ha-peenis.

Oh, happiness.

Well, I've disturbed

your work enough, ma'am.

(# "I'm Movin' On" by Sammy Kershaw)

Jethro, have you considered

getting a new car?

Nope. But I told Uncle Jed we should

slap a new coat of paint on this.

But he said just cos we had money

we didn't need to go showing it off.

I was just thinking you should. You would

look so good in a big, new, flashy car.

Big, flashy car, huh? Maybe.

Yep.

OK, Miss Jane. About ready to pull over.

You are so impossibly romantic.

Close your eyes.

Hot diggity dog! OK, now. Keep 'em closed.

How charmingly old-fashioned.

Open your eyes and look up.

Ain't she purdy?

Oh, my God! The chief is going to kill me!

(TV) We'll be back after this message.

Howdy! I'm Jethro Bodine.

I'm talking to all you ladies out there.

Are you looking for the perfect husband?

Then consider Jed Clampett.

Yes, Jed is rated AAA

for "a-ttractive", "a-vailable"

and "a billionaire".

So come on down to the Commerce Bank of

Beverly Hills and see me, Jethro Bodine...

- Dear, what's the matter?

- Remember, I'm not only Jed's wife-finder.

I'm also his nephew.

I'm ruined.

(# "Honey Don't" by Joe Walsh & Steve Earle)

Howdy.

Thank you.

Hathaway, you are embarrassing

this institution. This is a carnival.

What kind of a numbskull would think

of a harebrained scheme like this?

- That'd be me, Mr Drysdale.

- Your idea?

Well, it's brilliant, insightful, cutting edge.

You're a born leader, son.

We have had 1,215 women respond to the ad.

And two men.

Once I've entered the data into the computer,

worked my magic - presto.

We will narrow them down to a precious few.

Send in the next five!

Hathaway, you're not

validating parking, are you?

Parking?

That was my idea, too, Mr Drysdale.

Well, it's a brilliant idea, if I may say so.

Let's see. 1,215 women and two men

at a dollar and a half every 15 minutes.

Ah, well, that's only gonna cost me $5,000.

Well...

Bonjour, Jethro.

- Howdy, Miss Laurette.

- What is all this?

Miss Jane said a big fancy car'd be

more suitin' to my personality.

So I'm fixin' on makin' one out of my truck.

If it would have been me, I would have

just bought a new one, but... carry on.

What a moron.

Organ, what are you doing here? You come

here to wrestle me or to kiss the gym floor?

Come on, Morgan, just kiss it!

Why don't you pick

on somebody your own size?

What business is it of yours, baby?

What are you doin' here anyway, corn pone?

I came by to join the wrestling team.

I don't wrestle girls, at least not in the gym.

But I'll make an exception.

Good, then let's get started.

- I'm gonna kill you!

- I'm gonna kill you.

No one is gonna kill anyone here! Not without

a signed permission slip from home. Got it?

Got it, Coach.

So, Jethro, building on your visionary plan

for finding your uncle's wife,

I've created this rather modest

database program.

I've cross-referenced the applicants against

the parameters you indicated he desired

by specifying the search criteria

into functional groupings

and selecting the field values

through the use of embedded commands

and, of course, basic Boolean algebra.

Miss Jane, I have no idea what you just said.

(giggles)

Oh, Jethro, you are so delightfully... primitive.

Miss Hathaway, would you step

into my office, please?

Bring the Arlington file.

- Yes, sir.

- I'm sorry.

Since I have trained three

Kentucky Derby winners for other people,

it seems a logical extension that I'd want

to own and operate my own stud farm.

Arlington Acres.

Well, it's just a very exciting idea.

His net worth and rural background

make Jed Clampett the perfect partner.

Absolutely. You and Clampett partners

in a stud farm? It's a wonderful idea.

So you'll call him and arrange for us to meet?

You bet I will.

I'm sure he can't wait to see you.

In fact, as soon as you leave,

I'm gonna call Mr Clampett on the phone.

- This is very exciting.

- Isn't it?

But you told me that you did not want

Mr Clampett involved in such a risky venture.

Exactly. Shred and burn that,

and don't ever let that lady back in this office.

It went fantastically. Mr Drysdale said

I would be a perfect partner for Mr Clampett.

Yes, I'll tell you more when I get back. Bye.

Excuse me, ma'am. If Mr Drysdale thinks

you'd be perfect for my Uncle Jed,

I can take you over to meet him right now.

- Wonderful!

- Come on.

You're gonna like Miss Arlington.

Miss Jane picked her

with her computer datin' base.

Then Mr Drysdale personally approved her.

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