Beverly Hillbillies Page #5

---

Computer datin' base, huh?

What'll they think of next?

- Hello, Miss Arlington.

- Mr Clampett.

Gee, I don't know quite how to begin.

Then let me start.

I know by just looking at you,

you are the perfect man for my stud farm.

Stud farm?

If it makes it any easier for you,

I am willing to take on multiple partners.

Multiple partners?

No offence, ma'am, but I'm afraid

I'd find thatjust a tad uncomfortable.

What if it was with somebody

you really trusted, like Mr Drysdale?

I don't think this is the sort of thing

Mr Drysdale would wanna be involved in.

You should have seen his face when I showed

him the pictures of what I have in mind.

- He was very excited.

- I don't doubt that.

Would you like to see them?

They're very detailed.

Notjust yet.

Don't you think we're moving awful fast?

Not as far as I'm concerned, Mr Clampett.

I've got my licence and I'm ready to breed.

Excuse me, ma'am.

I could use a glass of iced tea.

- Yourself?

- Sure.

- I'm learning Elly May to ride my motorcycle!

- How do you stop this thing?

(Granny) I'm gonna tan your hide!

(Jethro) You're doin' real good.

Now put on the brake!

- (Elly May) Watch out, Granny!

- (Jethro) Stand aside!

(Jethro) Watch your head!

(Jethro) I'll help you, Granny.

Come on, swim over here.

- Here we go. Give me your hand.

- I'm het up, muled up and fed up!

Ow! Granny!

Do you reckon if we got hitched, you could

help me tame my daughter Elly May?

Are you proposing we get married?

Well, I wouldn't feel right

about breedin' if we didn't.

(door slams)

OK, men, that's it. Hit the mineral baths.

- Howdy.

- Well, well. Look who's here.

Missed you at practice, babe.

- She didn't come alone.

- Hey, Morgan. What are you doin' here?

- Who's all these folks?

- Just to keep things fair.

- Is this some kind ofjoke?

- Well, come on, baby. Let's wrestle.

(phone rings)

- (all) Hello?

- It's mine.

Come on, man. You can do it!

- Fight in the gym!

- All right!

- (bleeping)

- Hold on. I'm getting a fax.

Meet me there.

This here's what I call the Clampett Clamp.

- That's not legal.

- Really? Well, try this one.

I call it the Possum Pretzel.

- That ain't legal either.

- Well...

(cheering)

What about the Hickory Nut Crunch?

- (high-pitched) That's definitely not legal.

- Ain't nothin' legal round here?

One... two...

One... two...

Three.

Young lady...

I think we've found a new team captain.

Sorry, Derek. You're demoted.

Come on, Morgan.

Thanks, y'all.

I truly appreciate y'all a-tossing me

this here fancy birthday party.

Everybody looks just as nice as peach pie.

I just got one question for you.

Who are these people?

- Howdy, Miss Jane.

- Oh, my goodness, Jethro.

I took your advice, made me a big, flashy car.

It's very you, very macho.

- Thank you.

- Well, shall we?

Is Pa here yet?

Elly May Clampett, you look plumb elegant.

Thanks, Pa. I feel kinda funny

gettin' all gussied up like this, but...

Miss Laurette says I'll get used to it.

You've done a fine job

in turning Elly May into a lady.

Thank you, Monsieur Clampett.

She is a diamond in the rough. Just like you.

What's all this?

Sushi, calamari, caviar.

What? Speak American.

Listen, I was wondering if maybe sometime

we could go out, not on a date or anything,

just maybe to go get

some burgers or something.

Take off hat silly hat.

Then again, I would understand

if you didn't want to.

Sounds like fun.

So, once we find your Uncle Jed a wife,

perhaps it'll be your turn to get hitched.

Me? No.

I'm gonna be a Hollywood bachelor,

date all the hot young starlets.

Well, let me remind you not to overlook

the charms of the slightly older woman

who more than makes up with experience

what she may lack in other arenas.

- OK, Miss Jane.

- No problem.

- Oh, please. Let me.

- Tyler, clam it. It's showtime.

Miss Laurette? Why are you crying?

I have just spoken with your father

and he says

I would make the best wife for him.

He did?

But as happy as I would make him,

I am afraid that you will think I'm too young

and beautiful to be your mother.

Who'd have thought it?

Miss Laurette and my pa.

Oh.

Where is he? Oh.

So I can call you whenever I want

and you'll hotfoot it right over?

Hot dog!

Thank you.

I will miss Elly May so much

when you find yourself a wife.

And I will miss you, too.

I hadn't thought about you not bein' here.

It's sure been a pleasure

to have you stay with us.

Thank you.

Jed, Elly May said

the strangest thing to me tonight.

She said she would love

for me to be her mother.

But I'm sure she'll get over

the disappointment in whomever you choose.

I love Elly May just like a daughter.

- Perhaps you should speak with her.

- I'll do that.

Well... this here's a big night for you.

All dressed up and ladylike

at your first Beverly Hills social.

Your ma'd be so proud.

Thanks, Pa. Miss Laurette

said she was right proud, too.

You like her, don't you?

Well, I like herjust fine.

And I guess you like her, too.

I certainly do.

All I want is for you to be happy, Elly May.

I just want you to be happy, Pa.

Well, I reckon there's no time like right now.

(guests) Happy birthday!

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday, dear Jed Clampett

# They've spent a fortune on me for you

I got a feeling

you're worth every dime of it, too.

Step up here. Let me take a good look at you.

Boy, you're looking good on your birthday.

I think we need a speech, don't you? Speech.

(guests) Speech!

I have more than any one man deserves,

yet there is something I'd like for my birthday.

I'd like to ask the one who helped

Elly May become a lady to be my wife.

Miss Laurette Voleur.

I am so surprised.

This is the happiest day of my life.

(Jethro) Huh?

Congratulations!

(# "If You Ain't Got Love")

(thunder)

- You don't say!

- (Granny) I do say!

Well, I'll be... Who's he marrying?

Oh, some floozy with a fancy accent.

She seems sneaky to me. I don't trust her.

Granny, you don't trust anybody.

Never mind about that. I'm inviting you

to the wedding, and the cousins.

Butjust from Jed's side,

not including the Kelloggs nor the Daggetts.

Now, Granny, you're not gonna

get into your tonic and disappear,

like you did when Jed

married your daughter, are you?

Jethrine, your Uncle Jed's gettin' married.

I always cry at weddings.

Oh, now, honey.

I do.

(snorts)

You got both kinds of chickens here,

Jed, the white and the brown.

- What you got there, son?

- It's just a standard prenuptial agreement.

And Miss Hathaway said for you not to tell

anyone that you signed it, not even her.

Well, if Miss Hathaway says so,

I don't even have to read this. It must be fine.

They'll be comin' from miles around

to get my expert doctorin'.

And I won't turn a one away.

I done took me the hypocritter oath

to help everybody.

Kinda weak.

Probably good enough for city folk.

(Laura) Tyler!

- Did you get him to sign the papers?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes