Beverly Hillbillies Page #6

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- Yeah. He's a very trusting man.

He thinks everyone's honest.

That's a quality I admire

in a man I'm taking advantage of.

Hey, you're not sleeping with him, are you?

Tyler, you know once I move in with a man,

I stop having sex with him.

Oh, yeah. That's right.

(Laura) Keep your mind on business.

Now go.

Hey, wait. How about a little goodbye kiss?

All right.

I knowed it! I knowed it! I done catched you

red-handed, you two-timin' hussy!

When I inform Jed, the wedding will be off!

Let's get her!

Uh-oh.

Tyler.

(Laura) Shut up, you old hag!

We've gotjust the place for you.

I've already input the info into the computer.

As soon as you say "I do",

bing, I press enter,

boom, the money goes

via modem to Switzerland,

bing, bang, boom, we're rich!

Look at those legs.

I can't wait to get them wrapped around me.

Get her off of me!

She's got crap on her boots!

She doesn't even think

we're her grandchildren.

- And you say you fear for your lives?

- Yes.

I'm afraid the poor old dear

tried to shoot us with a shotgun.

- Are there other indications of dementia?

- We caught her trying to eat a raccoon.

- Really?

- She calls us kidnappers.

They are! They are! Them buzzards are!

- Quiet, now.

- Grandma, please.

She bit me again, honey.

Better check her for rabies.

Get two orderlies in here stat.

We can't take the heartbreak any longer.

We need to admit her someplace

where she can be kept

away from sharp objects and payphones.

From what you've told me, I'd say that

your grandmother is a perfect candidate for...

electroshock therapy.

Nobody is to be allowed into

the Clampett estate without an invitation.

Sans invitation... non.

Miss Jane, this fella's all mad at me

cos I opened up this box of wedding food,

but there ain't nothin' in there

but a bunch of snails.

I think the snails got up in there

and ate all the food.

No problem. We'll just buy some more.

Henri, the snails go back to the garden

where they belong, s'il vous plat.

To your posts. Everything's going fine,

but I have one small question.

The dressmaker says Granny

is not available for her fitting.

The wedding is tomorrow.

Come to think of it, I ain't seen

hide nor hair of Granny since yesterday.

- And you're not concerned?

- No.

She done the same thing

when I married Elly May's ma.

Came pouring in about three days later,

naked as ajaybird

and reekin' of her medicine.

(# "Duelling Banjos")

(farts)

(man) Play it, George!

Whoo!

If the family won't file a missing person's

report, then there's nothing we can do.

But, Captain Gallo, I suspect foul play.

I'm sorry, but my hands are tied.

But if you're desperate...

you might try this guy.

He's expensive, but he's also

the best private investigator around.

This case was pretty easy to crack,

Miss Hathaway.

I have met unsavoury characters before,

but she takes the cake.

Laurette Voleur, AKA Laura Jackson,

AKA Lily LaBeck.

Married 12 times to any guy who has

a little extra money to throw around.

I should have known.

Voleur. French for "thief".

Now, what about Granny?

The old lady is being forcibly held

at the Los Viejos Retirement Home,

a disreputable establishment,

often cited for patient abuse.

Be tough to break her out.

What a calamity!

And the wedding is just hours away.

Reverend, do you think Cousin Bill's

gonna be too busy to make it to the wedding?

Hillary, where did I put that invitation?

(phone rings)

Clampett residence.

Mr Drysdale?

I've an urgent call for Mr Drysdale.

I'll take that.

He works for me.

- Woody Tyler. Can I help you?

- What are you doing there?

I just dropped by to see if I could be of help.

Tell Mr Drysdale to stop the wedding.

OK.

Laurette is a phoney

who is only after Mr Clampett's money.

- Well, that's not good.

- Do it, Tyler, or yourjob is toast.

I got it.

- She's getting fat.

- Where is Hathaway?

- I don't know, dear.

- Mr Drysdale.

- What do you want?

- Miss Hathaway called.

She said something came up

and to start without her.

- What could have come up?

- I wish I knew.

- (dog barks)

- My, what a lovely dog.

- Thank you.

- Make yourself useful. Count the olives.

I'll be on it right away.

I hate that little worm. What could possibly be

more important than this to Miss Hathaway?

Look at that, a new nurse.

Yeah.

- Howdy, Mama!

- My baby!

My goodness! Beverly Hills

has made you so sophisticated.

Doesn't your twin brother look handsome?

- Give him a kiss, Jethrine.

- Howdy, Jethro.

Excuse me.

Young man,

I am here to see Daisy May Moses.

Then you must be here for the rabies test.

Yes. Rabies test. Exactly right.

Then you want room 525.

Nurse.

Better be careful. She's a wild one.

We had to give her electroshock therapy.

Thank you.

Eenie meenie meenie meenie.

Eenie meenie...

- Excuse me.

- No problem.

Eenie meenie...

(gasps) My God!

Granny.

Your elixir. Try this.

I will take you out of here immediately.

- Your hair is just a bit dishevelled.

- Miss Jane? Is that you?

'Tis I.

Granny says she don't trust Miss Laurette.

Oh.

Take off that silly hat.

I heard she's so skinny,

you couldn't hit her with a handful of corn.

Look where they're parking the cars.

My God, how tacky.

The place is turning into a zoo.

I think she's a-trying to take him

for all he's got.

Hi there, handsome.

- Do you mind if I sit in this chair?

- This chair?

- I was kinda saving...

- Thank you.

Lovely wedding, isn't it?

Go.

We've got to get back.

I called. I told him to stop the wedding.

- But that Tyler is so incompetent...

- Tyler?

Him and Laurette's the ones

that stuck me in this hellhole!

So - stabbed in the back by one of our own.

And she ain't no foreigner.

There they are. Stop them.

(Jed) Jethro, hold up.

(# orchestra plays "Here Comes the Bride")

(guests applaud)

There she is.

- Come on, come on.

- She looks beautiful.

I've got the vapours.

My make-up.

(snorts)

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here

in case of an emergency.

Oxygen masks will fall

from the overhead compartment.

Your seat cushion can be used

as a floating device. Thus sayeth the Lord.

Reverend, I believe you're reading

the aeroplane safety instructions.

(Laura) May we skip this part?

Hathaway'd better have

a good excuse for not being here.

Quick, Granny, hurry!

Whoa! Can I ask for your invitations, please?

I'll handle this. Have you any idea

with whom you're speaking?

I'd say one crazy lady

and another one with a bad wig.

Every strand of this here hair is mine!

Granny, no, no, no. Granny, no!

No, Granny! We'll find another way.

We are gathered here

to unite these two in holy matrimony.

(Laura giggles)

- Could we hurry things up, please?

- Yes, ma'am.

Come on, baby.

If any one of y'all has one good reason

these two shouldn't be hitched,

and it darn tootin' better be a good reason,

then speak now or forever hold your peace.

All right, then.

I now pronounce you man and...

What in tarnation is that?

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