Beware the Gonzo Page #6

- Listen up, Gonzo

Riley has proposed the following chain of events

That Errol bankrolled your paper, and you broke

into the school at night and planted

the rats and roaches in the kitchen

The health inspectors came

and closed down the cafeteria

necessitating that we eat at off-campus

diner thus saving Errol's business.

- Riley claims that was your plan.

- That is ridiculous!

Thing is Riley has a pretty good slam on us.

He's even got surveillance

photos and everything.

But these are from when we got the footage.

We didn't plant anything.

He actually expects people to believe this?

- You better be suspending Riley!

- Calm down, Mr. Gilman.

Calm down. I got in trouble for telling the truth.

This is nothing but lies. Don't tell me he's gonna skate.

There's gonna be a thorough investigation,

believe me and I don't answer to you.

I'm gonna do a little thorough investigation

of my own, if you don't mind.

I do mind.

In fact, if you respond with another issue of your paper,

I'll kick you out of school.

You and all your sidekicks.

Consider yourselves warned.

This article is bullshit

and you know it.

- Prove it.

- Prove it? I'm gonna destroy you.

You better watch it, little guy.

I've got the goods on everybody.

Take it easy.

- What was that about?

- I don't know.

I don't wanna find out.

I have a plan, guys.

I've been thinking about it all day.

We have to interview those health inspectors.

Get the nurse's full records.

Do a background check on continental meats.

We gotta fight back.

Okay who wants to do what?

Anyone?

- We've all been talking a little bit.

-Behind my back?

No man, c'mon.

We just don't think that we should do another issue.

What?

We've already taken this so much further

than we ever thought we could

- It's been awesome but

- We cannot get expelled.

Shneeman, nobody's getting expelled.

First amendment, man. Roy's bluffing.

Sorry, I can't risk it. I worked my

whole life to get into Princeton.

- My parents will have a shitfit.

This might blow your minds guys but

some things are more important than college.

-Riley's story is bullshit!

-Yeah.

You're over-reacting.

Just put something on the website like:

"Anyone can make allegations without a shred of proof.

We stand by our story 100%"

Stand strong.

You guys just aren't seeing the bigger picture here.

Gonzo Gilman isn't just your friend anymore.

Okay? He's a public figure.

He's a public figure that stands for truth

and justice and freedom.

And that is why if we don't prove that

everything in that article is an outright lie

And the man who wrote them is a liar,

my name is dirt!

And everything we've done together is dirt!

We need one more issue. Come on!

One little hit and you all fold.

What's wrong with all of you?

Well, this talking in the third person

business is kinda creepy for one.

Gonzo ...

All you have to do is graduate

and you get to go to your dream school

Are you really gonna let Riley ruin that?

Then he really wins.

You need to let this go.

Remember history.

If Napoleon had stopped at Austerlitz,

he never would've had his Waterloo.

You're just scared of Riley.

That's all this is. You know it.

So I got about 8 lbs. of it.

- What's wrong?

- Nobody cares about the truth, dad!

- What?

- Why didn't you tell me that?

Eddie!

- Would you like to try the capon, sir?

- Looks delicious.

- Now that's what I call spread, Gav.

- Fresh capon?

Belgian endive?

Okay folks, let's settle down.

We're gonna get started.

Quiet down, folks. Let's sit down.

What fresh hole is this?

Today is a very proud day at Parker Prep.

Our own Gavin Riley has

won the Van Buren Prize.

The most prestigious history

award in the country.

It's for his paper "The History of Torture

Tactics and Psychological Warfare."

Torture tactics and psychological warfare?

Incredibly, Gavin is the third

member of his family to win this award.

And brothers, Shawn and Marcus,

are with us today. Come on up, guys.

They're passing the torch.

Let me see if I got this right.

Shaun is at Dartmouth?

and Marcus is at Yale.

- And Gavin, you wanna tell us where you're going next year?

- Stanford. Only decision.

Mr. and Mrs. Riley should write a book.

Gavin Riley, why don't you say a few words, please.

- Congratulations.

- Thank you.

I just want to say that

Standing on this stage with my two brothers

... it's the proudest moment of my life.

Schneeman!

You gonna tell me what's going on, man?

- What do you mean?

- Psychological Warfare?

The history of torture tactics.

Those are your twin passions.

You were gonna write

your Van Buren paper on that.

Riley just had the same idea.

Schneeman, we have been

through too much together.

Okay, man. Level with me.

Did you make some kind of deal with him?

This is totaly off the record.

You can't tell anyone, okay? Promise.

I gave him my paper in exchange

for protection from the bullies for the entire school year.

- What? You've gotta be kidding me!

- It's true.

And honestly, I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

I'm living fear-free for the first time, floating on air!

It's like a terrible weight has been lifted.

- The onions on this guy! I swear...

- Gonzo!

You can't tell anyone.

Please. PLEASE!

Remember when you found out

when Santa Claus didn't really exist?

That your father was really the toothfairy

or that Barry Bonds didn't get

his muscles from eating spinach?

Well, my friends, today, sadly,

another idol must fall.

Holy sh*t.

Gonzo has completely lost his mind.

King, Gandhi or Parks I sort of understand

but Patrick Henry has no historical relevance whatsoever.

Schneeman, you better look at this.

Scott Marshall Schneeman

had enough.

Enough of the teasing, of the beatings,

of the humiliations he had to suffer his entire life.

so when Gavin Riley came

to him with a nefarious proposal

that would make his troubles magically disappear

Schneeman was more than ready to listen.

This is bad. So bad...

A pretty Parker Prep student, who shall remain

nameless, made the mistake of falling for Riley's charms.

Last year, he invited her to a party

and she accepted

expecting a night of fun,

possibly even romance.

But what she experienced that night

was a horror that changed her life forever.

All his academic records should be called into question

including his SATs. He should probably be tested for

steroids too because he probably cheats at wrestling.

Gavin Riley is a total fraud

academically, personally, morally.

He needs to be unmasked

in every conceivable way.

How could you do this...to us?

You turned out to be worse than Riley.

You did this alone?

In my office now.

You are suspended indefinitely

pending an expulsion hearing.

- Schneeman, I'm coming, man!

- No! NO! Get away from me!

You broke your promise.

I'd rather stay here a week than be helped by you.

Leave! You're not my friend!

Leave! Why are you still here?

Leave! Leave! Go! GO!

Good for you, Schneeman.

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