Bewitched

It's perfect.

Oh, great.

I'll take it.

Wonderful. I'm so happy.

There's one thing.

I'm gonna need some references.

I don't have any of those.

Oh, dear, that's serious.

I don't know that we can do business

together if you don't have references.

Bye, now!

- Daddy.

- What's going on, Isabel?

I'm moving here.

To the Valley?

Why on earth would you do that?

Because it's normal.

You're normal. You're just...

I know. But I'm not gonna

be one anymore.

You have no choice in the matter.

It's what you are.

Orange is a great color.

Orange is happy.

Why don't we just paint it yellow?

We can't, we're gonna

paint the bathroom yellow.

Since when are we doing that?

They're arguing about paint.

Yes, I can see that.

I wanna argue about paint.

- With whom?

- With someone.

A man?

- Yes!

- Oh, Isabel.

I'm through with warlocks.

They're all like you.

Even when you and mom

were married...

...you were casting spells

on other women.

Your life is total

instant gratification, Daddy.

- It's fantastic, isn't it?

- No. No, it's not.

Because how do you know that

anyone really loves you for yourself?

It's like those rich men who are never

sure why women sleep with them.

But women sleep with them,

so it's not really a problem.

I want a man who needs me.

Needs you?

Because he is a completely

hopeless mess.

Oh, no. You're talking about love,

aren't you?

What do you suppose it's like?

Oh, it's simple. You say, "I love you"

to someone you want to go home with.

And then when things get messy,

you say, "I don't love you anymore."

And that's pretty much it.

I feel as if I'm pressed against

a glass window.

It's right there on the other side.

I can see it, but I can't feel it.

I can't touch it.

- Does your mother know about this?

- She disappeared again.

$420.56.

Money. Money.

That was my last thing as a witch.

I wanna be like everyone else.

I wanna have friends and I wanna...

And I wanna go

to the Coffee Bean...

...where we all discuss our problems,

which are absolutely unsolvable.

You can have anything you want.

Every woman wants to be a witch.

I don't. I wanna feel thwarted.

I want days where my hair

is affected by weather.

Yeah, hi, what can I get you?

Scrambled eggs, please.

I am through with just snapping

my fingers and getting my way.

No breakfast after 11.

My absolutely last thing.

Don't do this.

You'll meet someone,

you'll get this close.

- And when he finds out about...

- lf he loves me, he won't care.

I'm going to get an umbrella.

Go on. Get yourself one.

No, Daddy. No. I mean it.

No. Never again.

- You'll get wet.

- I hope so.

I know what you're gonna say.

I'm a mess.

Get a grip, Jack. Get a grip.

I can't help it.

Hey, how do I look?

You look great.

- I look great?

- Yeah.

I always look great. That's a given.

- And the important thing is...

- What?

I have no idea what

the important thing is.

I'm telling you, I feel like

I'm about to go out of my mind.

You know, I want my life back. Okay?

I want my wife and my house.

I wanna be a movie star again. I mean,

what the hell happened, Richie?

Things were going so great

for a while.

Last Year in Katmandu.

It cost 140 mil to make.

Grossed 1.6.

The only DVD to sell no copies.

We probably shouldn't have shot it

in black-and-white.

But now you're gonna do a television

series and it's gonna be a hit.

So pull yourself together, man,

because you look like Don Johnson.

- But in a bad way.

- Okay, I got it.

- I'll pull myself together.

- Let's go.

And don't get all nice on me.

Be mean.

I'm gonna be mean.

I'm gonna be mean.

Hit me. There you go.

You're the Jackerator, baby.

Let's go. Let's go. Come on.

Yo, gentlemen.

How are you? Oh!

- Hey, hello.

- Jack Wyatt.

- Hi, I'm Jack.

- Oh. Huge fan. Huge.

- How are the kids, guys?

- Great.

Good. Well, let's cut the chitchat.

- Thank you. I'm Jack, by the way.

- Nina.

- Jack wants to do the show.

- That's great.

- I wanna do it.

- That's great. That's terrific.

He only has one concern.

We had the same concern.

But we think everyone's forgotten

about Last Year in Katmandu.

Unless they saw it.

His concern is...

...the witch has all the fun.

You will be fun.

We're changing it from the original.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't all go crazy.

Okay? I mean, it is Bewitched.

I mean, Samantha should be strong.

Right? This should be a two-hander.

Oh, my God. Huh?

Hey. What a relief.

I was worried because Larry told me

you'd want to tilt the show toward you...

Stu, Stu.

We gotta have a great ensemble

is what I'm thinking. You know?

Endora, the next-door neighbors,

all those crazy family members.

Who's gonna play Uncle Arthur? Huh?

I used to love Uncle Arthur.

Well, we're looking for Uncle Arthur.

- Your table's ready.

- Thank you.

I don't know if you remember...

...but when he'd appear in the mirror,

it would crack. It would always crack.

And you knew it was coming,

and yet, every time it happened...

...I laughed and I laughed

and I laughed.

- Can I talk to you?

- I loved it.

"Hi, Sammy."

One second, fellas. We'll meet

you guys at the table, all right?

Hey, I like those guys. What?

- You're being a p*ssy.

- What?

You're being a p*ssy, p*ssy, p*ssy!

No, I'm not!

I want the show to be good.

You want the show to be...

You know what?

Jack Wyatt's doing TV now

because his film career ate it!

And he's not even the clear star

of his own show.

Jack, screw Uncle Arthur.

Hell, screw ensembles, man.

- I'm being a p*ssy.

- Yes.

If this show tanks, you'll be on

Hollywood Squares for 10 years.

You will also be the mayor

of Pussytown.

I don't wanna be the mayor

of Pussytown.

Get in there and be

the sheriff of Ballsville.

- All right?

- Okay.

- Bring it.

- Okay.

Let's go.

- Stop that.

- Sorry, sorry.

Sorry, guys, where were we?

Couple of big names are available

for Samantha.

- To hell with that.

- Yeah.

I want an unknown in the lead.

All right?

A hot new face that's gonna look good

and set me up.

Because I have worked my ass off

to the bone for too long...

...to build up the brand value

of the name Jack Wyatt!

- This show has one star.

- And I want three trailers.

Nobody in television

has three trailers.

He wants them, you get them.

And I want my own makeup team

in matching jumpsuits.

And a leopard!

I want a pet leopard.

With a diamond-studded collar.

Real diamonds.

- That's enough, Jack.

- And a cake.

A two-story-high cake.

Every Wednesday's Cake Day.

And we're gonna bring it out...

...and we're gonna pretend

it's a surprise.

Because it's Cake Day.

We get it, Jack.

If we have a leopard, we're gonna

have major insurance issues.

We're willing to give

on the leopard.

It's getting hard to breathe.

- Should I be writing this down?

- No.

So this should be fun. Huh? Right?

I used to have the biggest crush on

Elizabeth Montgomery when I was 10.

- We all did.

- The nose. I mean...

It's not gonna be easy finding

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