Beyond Page #2

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was after a threesome.

Well, I think he would be lucky.

I only met them

half an hour ago.

That's all it takes.

Is it?

Put this on.

I don't think so.

Don't give me that look.

God...

you serious?

I'm so turned on right now.

Aha, this smells of, um, feet.

So what did you

actually want to be?

Well, I trained

to be a carpenter.

Oh, like Jesus.

Ah, exactly like Jesus.

Well, just don't go

making your own cross.

Ah.

Smile.

I love this.

Turn it up!

Come on Geppetto.

Are you serious?

Yes.

Come and dance with me.

I was heading south,

kicking through the leaves

And last weekend was

when our clocks went back

Summers have gone,

but it don't feel bad

You would've thought by now

that I'd have found my senses

Still I'm running

'round, jumping fences

But it's a road I'm running

And it's the only

road that I have known

And still I can't

find my way home

F***.

If you think you can

do better, be my guest.

You're better off

using your bare hands.

See anything?

No.

I think they're following you.

Yeah, right.

I thought we had to

get back before sunset.

You're not coming

out with me again.

It's not even dark yet.

Well, funnily enough, I'd

rather not wait until the last

Minute.

Well forget it.

I'm not staying in here.

It's for your own safety.

Can't just keep me locked

up in the dark all day.

I'll get scurvy.

You get rickets from not

getting enough sunlight.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I forgot you had a

degree in medicine.

I can just about outrun them.

You can't.

I can run faster than you.

Are you doing that

to piss me off?

Doing what?

Sniffing.

Blow your nose.

What, are you my grandmother?

Barry Gruberman.

Why do I know that name?

He had a map.

Not this...

he was heading to Norway.

I can't keep having

this same conversation.

That's where all the

evacuees were heading.

Yeah, where?

They said if you get to

an evacuation center, then

Refugee boats are

leaving for Norway.

And how long ago was that?

How do you even know

it's still safe?

Well, if it doesn't

get dark, then...

oh, here we go.

There's a reason they call it

the land of the midnight sun.

That's where she is.

I know it.

You have no idea where she

is, and that's exactly how you

Like it.

Your parents aren't stupid.

They'll have got to

one of the boats.

Just trust me.

Have you got any pesto?

Uh, down the back, top shelf.

Now, returning

our attention to the night

Sky...

that's 7.80, mate.

What's the latest?

Oh, they reckon it's

like fifty miles wide.

No, I mean with the

guy who got shot.

Oh, Michael.

Yeah, Michael. How's he doing?

Not great.

They think he's eventually

going to need a transplant.

What kind of transplant?

Do I look like a doctor?

They, they find

the guy who did it?

Please.

More chance of

finding my virginity.

Who sent this one in.

Look at that gorgeous

skyline over London.

The reality

is that one day, whether it's

Tomorrow or...

I brought this for you.

For us.

I mean, you said we

were having fish, so.

Great, okay.

Hmm, glasses...

how long you lived here?

Uh, about two years.

Can I put some music on?

Yeah, please.

Yeah, go ahead.

I knew we should've gone out.

No.

You've got it all under control.

I can see you run a tight ship.

Somali pirates run

tighter ships than this.

Cheers.

Don't worry, it's

not Venezuelan.

Mm.

That's lovely.

Oh my god, you don't like it.

Uh, um...

sorry I, I can't stand

white wine, and it makes me

Depressed.

Well why didn't you say?

Because I nearly threw your

stuff up at the party...

if there any alcohol

you can drink?

I don't know.

How about something

non-Alcoholic?

What about a nice

Shirley temple?

Listen, trust me, I-I

drink everything else.

Red, red wine, beer, vodka...

Mm, my god, I can't believe

I forgot to tell you.

Do you remember Chloe

and Steve from the party?

You know, the guys I was

going to get a lift back with?

Um...

the threesome.

Ah.

Sexy Hitler.

Sexy Hitler.

Well, when they left, they got

in a taxi and they ended up in

A head-On collision

with a lorry.

They all got killed.

The driver as well.

Hang on, f-I read about that.

That was them?

Yeah.

F***.

I know.

Mm.

Hmm.

Go on, you can say it.

What?

You know what.

You're dying to say it.

Say what?

You know what.

I'm not saying anything.

But, it's true though isn't it.

I knew it.

If it weren't for me...

you're evil!

You're welcome.

Yeah, okay, thank you.

Thanks for...

saving my life.

Yeah, well, listen, it

was, it was no sweat.

My hero.

I know.

It's the, um, it's

the, the pesto.

I went, I went f***ing

mental with the pesto.

Hm.

Did you make this?

I said I trained as a carpenter.

I didn't say I was any good.

You know what? I love it.

Must be the floor that's uneven.

The floor is uneven.

It is.

Really?

And two slippery

supernovas please.

What's a slippery supernova?

Half vodka, half whiskey

with a coffee bean in it.

God almighty, I am starting to

think you've got some serious

Problems.

I do, I do.

I need help.

That's 14.75 please.

Oh am i...

I'm paying.

Good.

Alright.

He's paying.

She orders, I pay.

That's it.

After pestogate, you'll

be paying forevermore.

Just establishing the

boundary, you know that?

I'm so sorry, he's an alcoholic.

Yeah, well done.

He beats me.

I'm her, don't say that.

Out on my arms.

Come on now, Maya. Don't say

that.

It's not true.

It's...

And he picks his

nose and eats it. It's...

that's, that is true.

Locks me up in the shed.

This is where my mom

and dad first met.

Really, in here?

Mm.

She worked in the bar, and

he'd come in every other day

And try and chat her up.

And wore her down eventually.

I think that's why he

wanted his own pub.

He'd seen the woman behind the

bar with the customers in the

Palm of her hand, you know?

Mm.

Can you imagine how busy this

would've been back in the day.

Mm.

If you could go back in time

to any point in history...

ancient Rome.

Really?

Yeah.

I think so.

Coliseum, right?

I'd love to see the gladiators.

Two men fighting to the death.

Is that weird?

Bit weird.

Is it?

How about you?

Ancient Greece.

For the togas.

Togas.

Did you hear about the

dyslexic who went to a toga

Party dressed as a goat.

Oh my god.

No?

No.

I actually got a

broken nose once.

All due to time travel.

Amazing.

What for?

Yeah, I was quite drunk.

Ah.

And there was this kid, who

was about ten years old.

Oh, dear god, where

is this going?

So anyway, I was very drunk,

and I saw this kid, and I was

Like, he was just a

mini version of me.

And it might've been because I

was hammered, but he literally

Looked like the spitting image.

Right.

So, I crossed over the road,

went over to him, looked down,

Looked in his eyes,

deep into his eyes.

And I said "I'm you from the

future, and I've got a really

Important message for you.

Whatever you do, don't

get on that boat."

What boat?

I don't know, I'm making it up.

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