Beyond the Valley of the Dolls

*Kelly opens singing*

A disgrace. Absolutely disgusting.

I'd like to cut that.

That was great, girls.

But rock 'n' roll is not my cup of poison.

I remember when I was a young man...

- I just don't understand those kids.

- If you had to listen to their music...

Did you see those chaperones?

They were built like Khrushchev.

- They weren't as bad as those D.O.M.'s.

- I got the money.

- 300 bucks.

- One more high-school hop and I split.

Hey, don't bogart the joint, friends.

Cool it, man. I need it more than you.

I don't know,

maybe all you need is love.

Casey, let's split. The principal's gonna

hit me with a few caps of acid.

- You coming?

- Yeah.

Do you believe those kids,

making it all the time?

Don't get so upset, Casey.

You know how Kelly is.

- Are you trying to make love to me?

- Hell no.

- Then what are you trying to do?

- I'm trying not to.

Well, if you wanna make love,

then let's make love.

Here?

No, in L.A.

- L.A.?

- Where is that?

- We'd get crushed.

- Not us.

- Smog. Can 't see.

- Climb a tall tree.

- Lousy traffic.

- Love to walk.

- No culture.

- Grooves.

- Cold and cruel.

- Swimming pools.

- Phony city.

- It's so pretty.

- Religious nuts.

- Takes all kinds.

- Noisy. Noisy.

- Soul-beat brother.

- Tinsel town.

- Solid city.

- Gaudy. Ugly.

- Gassy. Classy.

- Cheap anyhow.

- Yeah, like wow.

- Very dirty.

- Simon-pure.

- Dull scene.

- My dream.

- Square, hey.

- No way.

- Sick and low.

- Living show.

- It's got no class.

- Nothing but.

- Empty. No heart.

- Full, sweetheart.

- No-talent town.

- Don 't put it down.

- Junkie heaven.

- Not for me.

- Dishonest clowns.

- Sincere.

- Perverts. Fruits.

- Swingers. Kooks.

- Obvious. Stinks.

- Full-length minks.

- All strangers.

- Not all.

- Like who?

- My aunt.

- Since when?

- Since Aunt Susan.

- Oh, yeah?

- Rich Aunt Susan.

- B*tch Aunt Susan.

- Got my share.

- Of what?

- The bread.

- Cool head.

- So we go?

So go!

So all we need now

is your long-lost Aunt...

- What's her name?

- Her name is Susan Lake.

This batch has more snap.

Run the rest at the same ASA.

- Long distance, Miss Lake.

- Hello? Who?

Q-U-A-N-T. In London.

Yeah, that's correct.

As quickly as possible.

Susan, we must have a chat.

The bodice is so wrong.

- Doesn't she look like a cow?

- The fact is, Cynthia is not a boy.

Take off your bra, dear.

That will flatten you some.

Have her put it back on.

Betty, tell him it's impossible.

Gordon, she looks exactly the same

with or without the bra.

- Porter, explain this contract to me.

- We can't get three years, Susan.

They'll go two and a half.

The editor tells me that is final.

- People!

- I need some time with you.

Can we discuss it at dinner?

That'll give you time to talk to Vogue.

- Anything we can do for you?

- That's okay...

...I can come back.

- Out with it. We're not that frantic.

- I'm your niece.

- You're Catherine's daughter?

My name's Kelly Mac Namara.

Susan! Susan!

I am simply in a rage!

How did your mother learn

about Aunt Claire?

The Worcester paper is where she heard

about Aunt Claire's death and about...

...you and Baxter Wolfe

and the inheritance.

- What inheritance was that?

- Mine. I was last in line after my sister.

Your mother disappeared. We were never

really close. I was 14 years younger.

But now that you've come along, Kelly,

I think that part of it should be yours.

Susan, you know there was

no provision in the will.

- Thousand Island?

- No, thank you.

You're a lawyer. You should

know that wills are just paper.

I'm a lawyer, yes. And any changes

Aunt Claire would or might have made...

...have no validity in law.

- Porter, of course I know that.

Kelly, there was nearly a million dollars.

I know this isn't the time or place...

...but since Porter's made such a

point of it, I can't see why...

...say, a third of it shouldn't be yours.

- A third of a million dollars?

- The two of us are the only survivors.

I don't see why you should have to pay

for the sins of your mother?

Sins that seem to me that were really

committed by the rest of the family.

- That's a big idea to get used to.

- I'll have Porter draw up the papers.

I have a marvelous idea.

Ronnie Barzell's throwing a party tonight.

Ronnie Barzell?

You mean Z-Man Barzell?

The one, the only, the original.

Susan, I've got friends in a rock group.

It would mean so much for them to

meet Z-Man. Can I invite them?

Don't tell me you're a groupie.

The other way around. It's my group.

Now, let me be sure I fully understand

this. You are a rock 'n' roll singer?

- Why? Is that a no-no?

- My dear young lady...

Porter, you have an unending capacity

for counterfeit astonishment.

Of course you can invite your friends.

There's a phone in the living room.

I think that Ronnie's address is in

my book under the B's.

Great!

I'm not dressed for a party, though.

We're about the same size,

and I got loads of things in my closet.

Call your friends

and slip into anything you like. Okay?

Oh, groovy! Thanks.

Susan, have you taken

leave of your senses?

Some anonymous rock 'n' roll singer

drops in here out of the clear blue sky...

...and you fall for a lie.

You won't believe this, but we've been

invited to a party at Z-Man Barzell's.

- Is this for real?

- Get Casey and Pet, and meet me there.

This creature marches in without a cent

to her name and a dubious pedigree...

...and without a moment's thought...

...you recklessly dispose

of a third of your money.

- Porter, let me handle this.

- The party starts when you get there.

- Susan, please.

- We're late already.

- They banned my last film in Cincinnati.

- Groovy town.

When I'm with you, pussycat,

who needs grass?

You'd have to see it to believe it.

Of course, I nearly choked.

- And then this b*tch took a drink...

- He's bothered every woman at the bar.

Do you know what happened

after he drank a Fresca?

- He snowed in his pants.

- You know what he uses for deodorant?

- Raid.

- Cool, man.

My old man really blew his mind. He said

he'd kill me if he found anymore grass.

- Escape, man.

- All right!

- And you're a moonchild.

- And you're a b*tch.

- I think it's better after the change.

- I'm with you.

I was ready to roll over and fall asleep.

Then Tony said, "Come over to my pad.

I've got a wading pool of mayonnaise!"

I found the European women

far more receptive and less hung-up.

- She went after me like a barracuda.

- I warned you, you old fruit.

- Classics Benjamin.

- Bad trip.

- It wasn't long, but four inches thick.

- Ever been whipped with a wand...

...until the blood came?

- Cool it! You'll rupture your tongue.

Feel it, my pretty?

The night is filled with magic.

- Mark my words, dove, tonight is special.

- I was so anxious, I stepped on her face.

Susan, Porter, how are you?

Ronnie, see who's here.

- I'll say it. Haven't I seen you before?

- You saw her at my studio this afternoon.

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