Big Ass Spider Page #2

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Okay, I'm going to

get you to the E.R.

It's going to be an

intern's nightmare.

Woof.

Jose.

Yeah.

Will you please take our bug-

killing friend to the morgue?

Oh, sure.

Anything he needs, just

take care of it, okay?

You got it, boss.

Gracias.

I'm going to have to grab a couple

things from my... from my truck.

That's okay.

You're not a real police

officer, are you?

Security guard.

Okay. All right, my

truck's out back.

Okay. Oh, and they

hand me a gun.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, put it away.

I will. I have handcuffs, too.

Good. Okay.

I got some mace.

Sure.

So you get in the mind

of the spider, really?

I do.

That's crazy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,

it's a little nuts.

Sir, we have a location.

E.T.A. 5 minutes.

It's over here.

Uh-oh, the lights

don't work so good.

[MAKES SPIDER SOUND]

It's cold in here.

No, spiders don't like it cold.

They like it warm. Dark and warm.

Well, that's good.

Hey, Jorge.

Uh-huh.

Can you get my flash light?

It's in the side of my bag.

Sure.

My name's Jose. Okay? Okay.

Oh, my God.

What?

Oh, God.

What?

This is so gross.

Oh, yeah? What?

Look at this.

No, describe it. I'm

not going to look.

Oh, uh.

What?

The spider must've... oh,

he must've got inside

this guy's body and dug

his way out through

his lungs or his

stomach or something.

What?

Oh, my God.

Oh, poor guy.

How big did Carl say this thing was?

What did he say exactly?

Exactly?

Yeah.

Let me see. Uh, "He bit me, boss. He bit

me. " And then Lisa said "It was a doggie.

" He said, "No. " And then I said, "Maybe

it was a black cat. " He said, "No. "

"Then it's a monkey. "

He said, "No. " He said

it was like a spider but

bigger than a spide-

Maybe it was a spider monkey.

A spider monkey?

A spider monkey.

[SIRENS BLARING]

Ooh, what is all this? We already called.

It was a false alarm.

No, it wasn't.

Is that, like, Raid?

Raid? No. Raid is for housewives.

This is a very potent brew,

my own concoction of sticky acid. A few

drops on a termite hive, and it's history.

And it's eco friendly.

Oh, that's nice.

Okay, if you were a spider,

where would you be?

[ALEX MAKES SPIDER NOISES]

Oh, damn it.

What?

[JOSE SCREAMS, GASPING]

Yes, I know, but I thought

it was, you know, spider...

you were scared, too. Shut up.

Where's this vent go to?

Uh, through the building,

from the roof, all

the way down to the

basement machine room.

The machine room?

Yeah.

Where it's warm.

Ah.

Okay, Jose, get up there.

I'm not going to get up there.

Come on, man. You're a little guy.

Get in the vent.

I'm not going in there.

I'm kidding. Get my bag for me.

It's not funny, man. But, listen, are

you really going to go up there?

Yeah, that's what I do.

This is how I roll, man. There

is no bug that can outdo the Ex.

And besides, the bug

that we're dealing with?

Mm-hm.

Is a big bug.

Ah.

In my line of work, it's the little

bugs you've got to be scared of.

Oh, the little ones.

Yeah.

Oh, I hate little bugs. You know? I hate

gnats, mosquitoes, cucarachas of course.

I don't even like lady bugs. You

know, everybody likes lady bugs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I hate roly pollies, too. I

can't stand them. Chiggers:

Chiggers are, like, really bad

because they get under the skin.

Okay. Sorry, the one we're

looking for has a mean bite.

You've got a lot of

elderly, sick people, kids.

Let's do this for the kids.

Let's do it for the kids.

All right.

I'll be on channel two.

I'm going to need you

to talk me through the

entire vent, okay?

All the way through the building. Wanna

make sure this thing doesn't double back

and come back through this way.

Uh, wait a minute. I don't

have the sticky acid.

Yeah, but you've got the gun,

you've got the handcuffs, the mace.

Trust me, this thing is more

scared of you than you are of it.

Huh, I don't think so.

Uh, sir, there are no cell

phones in the hospital.

There's a sign right there.

Set up a perimeter around the hospital.

Lieutenant, lock it down.

Uh, that is a negative, my friend.

Repeat, not happening. We have patients-

Your hospital is now

under my command.

I'm sorry. I'm Gordon Harris, director

of the hospital. Who are you?

I am Major Braxton C. Tanner,

Special Forces, United States Army.

We have reason to suspect

you've inadvertently

received a very

dangerous contagion.

There's a body that was mistakenly

sent here to this hospital.

We'd like to see that body.

A contagion?

Now, where's the morgue?

[HEART MONITOR BEEPING]

[HEART MONITOR BEEPING FASTER]

[HEART MONITOR BEEPING SLOWS]

[HEART MONITOR BEEPING FASTER]

[ELDERLY MAN SCREAMS]

[HEART MONITOR BEEPING

IN A STEADY FLATLINE]

Breaker, breaker, this is the Ex

calling El Dorado. Come in, Jose.

Uh, hi, yes, I'm here.

El Dorado, did you say?

Yeah, El Dorado. I'm

coming up to a junction,

east and west. Which

way to the basement?

[MUTTERS]

Uh, what's a junction?

It's uh... like when two roads come are...

you know, come together in a T,

and you don't... Do I go left

or right to go to the basement?

Go left.

What?

Yes.

Hello.

Don't yell at me. Go left.

Left, right?

Yes, go left, izquierda.

Am I scared of what?

Go left.

Okay, I'm going left.

[SPIDER SQUEALS]

Jose, I'm not alone

in here, buddy.

Oh, my God.

Jose. Jose, you're not

going to believe this.

It looks like our friend has

already had a little snack.

This is unbelievable and so beautiful. The

structure's incredible, the strength.

I can't... I've never

seen anything like it.

Oh, it's so sticky.

[GRUNTING]

It's so sticky.

Oh, good God.

Oh, that's not good.

That's not good.

[SPIDER SQUEALS]

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.

[PATTERING APPROACHES]

Come on.

[ALEX SCREAMS]

Oh, that was interesting.

Oh, man.

So this is where the

body would've come in.

Our morgue attendant

Carl's fallen ill, so he-

Fallen ill?

It is here.

Move to full lock up, people.

All units gear up.

So you're saying that the military can

just come in and shut a hospital down?

That's not legal.

You can't do that.

The hell I can't. You

are under military

jurisdiction on a matter

of national security.

Your full cooperation and discretion

would be very much appreciated.

Do we have an understanding?

Yep.

Good.

Excuse me, Director Harris?

Uh, not now, Lisa.

Can we talk for a second?

Not now.

Something's happened.

It's one of the patients.

And?

Well, he's... Dead?

Let's take a look.

Ah, okay. I'm onto you, buddy.

It's already hunting.

Granted the patient's immobility

indicates an advantageous access,

like a buzzard selecting wounded prey. It

will get the hang of the kill quickly.

How long has it been?

Blood coagulation fresh. Ten, maybe

twelve minutes. It is close.

How big do you think

it is now, Doctor?

It has quadrupled in size.

Qua... in 24 hours?

It will continue to grow

exponentially. Four

hours from now it

will quadruple again.

Where are you, friend?

Where are you, buddy? Come on, buddy.

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