Big Ass Spider Page #3

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The Ex has

a treat for you. I got a...

a treat for you.

(INTO RADIO):
U.S. to Mexico. U.S.

to Mexico. Jose, it's Alex.

KARLY (INTO RADIO): Copy that.

I think I found our spider. I'm down in the

basement, buddy. Down in the basement.

[HE KNOCKS ON SOMETHING]

Okay.

Where are- [BEER CAN CLATTERS]

There you are, little buddy.

Wow, you're not such a...

such a little guy, are you.

All right, I've got

something for you.

I got something for you. Nice and shiny.

You're going to like this. Ready?

[ALEX GASPS]

That's my quarter. Give

me back my quarter!

Oh, no you don't. Not this time.

You gonna run from me?

Ah, come on, buddy.

Get down!

What, are you trying to kill me? Hey,

they said I could be here. What are you-

Hi.

Was that the only one?

The only what? Spider?

Uh, yeah, I hope so.

Shh-shh-

[METAL CLANGS]

What?

Oh, great, it's gone.

Yeah, nice job, moron.

Made visual contact.

Moron?

Target it now in the sewer system.

Prepare to move out.

Moron?

I'm bringing an eye witness

in for questioning.

Hey, I had this thing bagged until

you started shooting at me.

No.

Shooting at me.

Okay, you've got no idea

what you're dealing with.

Uh, excuse me.

Sorry. Sorry.

I'm a professional.

Oh, I see. I see. Of course you are.

And, hey, nice uniform.

Thank you very much.

Now, move out.

That was sarcastic.

Move out.

Are you feeling something?

'Cause-

Head out.

Stuck.

[HOMELESS MAN SCREAMING]

Did you ever see the arachnid?

I don't know what that is.

Did you say Iraq?

Arachnid.

I like your pipe.

Major, here he is, a local exterminator.

Uh, Alex.

Alex Mathis, actually. It's

pest eradication specialist.

All kinds of pests,

rodents, reptiles.

All I want from you,

Mr. Mathis, is details.

Tell me what you saw down there.

Hey, there he is.

Hey, how you doing?

What's up, Jose?

In concise sentences, please.

Okay, can I sit down? It's

been one hell of a morning.

Yeah, we're going

to sit down, okay?

You want details?

This thing's huge.

This is the biggest spider that I've ever

seen, maybe the biggest spider on record,

and from the look of the bite

that it gave that mortician,

I'd say this thing is highly

poisonous, aggressive, fast, smart.

It's strong, really strong. It moved

that sewer grate out of the way.

That's got to be about 25 pounds.

This is a big-ass spider.

Exoskeleton's hardened then.

It's already entered Stage Two.

All right, Major, we've got to

get it before it hits Stage.

Three and increases

in size again.

Increases in size? What

are you talking about?

What does that mean?

Who are you guys?

Why are you hunting a spider?

We appreciate your time, Mr. Mathis.

Lieutenant,

will you escort these two

gentlemen off the premises?

No, no, no, no, no,

don't brush me off...

Hey, it's not going to stay in

the service tunnel very long.

You're way out of

your league, son.

All right.

Well, I've had worse

job interviews.

I think your boss really likes me.

I thought it went well.

He doesn't like games.

He doesn't like games?

Mm-mm.

Then what's with the secrecy?

Just tell us what's going on?

Look, we made a mistake,

and now we're taking

care of it, and that's

all you need to know.

No, no, no, no, no, what

does that mean, "We

made a mistake"? Like

"We" made this mistake?

I've got to get back, so why don't you two

take off before Braxton has you arrested.

Wow. Uh, Lieutenant.

Yes?

Just in case the military or you

should need any assistance at all...

...this is my card.

Mister... Alex.

Alex... Mathis.

Mathis.

On Twitter it's

bad-ass bug killer.

If you think of anything else

important, you can give me a call.

Oh, so look at that. That

wasn't so difficult, was it?

I will definitely be

giving you a call.

All right. All right.

I appreciate it, and

I could friend you.

All right, don't let this get out.

And try to stay out of trouble.

Hm.

Wow.

Hm, what a nice lady. I

think she likes you.

Can't believe I let

this one get away.

She's right there. I call her.

No, no, no, no, no,

Jose, the spider?

Oh, yeah. Hey, but

where are you going?

What do you mean, where am I going?

This is it, buddy.

What?

The end of our adventure.

It's been fun.

Hey, you cannot

give up now, Alex.

You heard her. She's got

the Army working with her.

What are we supposed to do?

But isn't this, like, the

biggest spider ever?

Yes, this is, without question,

the biggest spider on record.

Yes, so it would be good business,

right, for you to catch it or kill it.

Yes, if I could catch it

or kill it, which I can't.

Okay, but it could make

you famous, right?

Yes, this would get a lot of press.

What are you getting at?

Look, you could be

super- exterminator.

And Jose. And my boss told me to

help you, so I'm going to help you,

and you know, like, how?

Like Robin helps the Batman.

Like Tonto helps the Lone Ranger.

Like Kato helps the Green Hornet.

Yeah.

Like Sancho Panza

helps Don Quixote.

Yes.

Like John Oates helps

Daryl Hall, baby.

Yes, we are going to do this. We are going

to show her that spiders don't fly.

Yes.

And spiders don't swim.

Yes.

Some do, but that's not the point.

You and I are

going to find this spider

before they do. Come on.

Let's do it.

Wicked. [CACKLES]

The five-mile radius should be enough.

Let's get some eyes out there.

Any sign?

Containment is our

priority right now.

We have to neutralize the target

before somebody out there sees it.

The mere sight of this thing

will 'cause mass panic.

Sir, we have a problem.

Dodd, who shot the amateur video

claims it was footage of a giant spider

measuring over six feet in length.

We now go live to the scene

of this strange sighting.

I saw a big-ass spider. I

came around the corner.

First thing I had to do

was get my phone out.

Ain't nobody gonna believe this...

[BLEEP]

I seen this spider was coming at me, man.

It had multip...

like, what, eight, six legs?

Yeah, about that.

It had multiple legs, dope.

It had multiple eyes.

It was multicultured.

The fool's on crack!

If I see the spider again,

I'm gonna whoop his ass.

[BYSTANDERS HOOTING

AND CHATTERING]

Are we ready to

[BLEEP] the spider?

Yeah!

You better hide your kids, you better hide

your wife 'cause there's a big-ass...

bigger than a spi... there's

a mega-spider on the loose.

Find that building and the

connecting service tunnel.

Yes.

It is moving into Stage Three.

Thank you, Doctor. Karly.

I'm on it.

We're going to need a miracle.

[LATIN MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]

Hey, I like that song, Alex.

I like that music, too, my

friend, but we've got to focus.

You're right. Focus. Okay, so

what is the biggest spider ever?

Biggest spider ever has to

be the Goliath birdeater.

Yeah, unbelievable. This thing's got a

six-inch abdomen, three-inch fangs,

13 inches across. But I gotta tell

you, what we're following now...

Yeah.

This thing, what I saw... Yes.

Much bigger.

Oh, come on.

I'm not kidding.

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