Big Bear

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I can't do this.

I can't do this.

I can't do this.

Bachelor party! Bachelor party!

Bachelor party!

Bachelor party!

Bachelor party! Bachelor party!

Bachelor party! Bachelor party!

Bachelor party!

Bachelor party!

Bachelor party! Bachelor party!

Bachelor party! Bachelor party!

Bachelor party! Bachelor party!

Hey, hey.

You gotta catch up.

Here, here, here.

You're late to your own

bachelor party,

- chug, chug, chug.

- What are you doing?

I'm sorry.

- Why did you do that?

- You held my nose.

It's like a shotgun.

You plug the shotgun hole.

- You're an idiot.

- You are an idiot, Nick.

You wouldn't know an idiot

if it smacked you in the face.

Smack me in the face,

so I have a frame of reference.

- You want a slap fight?

- Yeah, yeah.

I'm so glad you're here, man.

These two make me wanna puke.

That's a very underwhelming

mustache.

Why do you guys

all have mustaches?

We have mustaches for you,

for your bachelor party.

Did we not discuss this

with you?

No.

- Really?

- Yeah. What about Nick?

Nick got confused.

I thought I texted you from

my second phone. I'm so sorry.

No, I think I would've

remembered that.

I'm sorry. I guess I haven't

seen you in a while.

How you been?

- Not great, actually.

- Just hold on tight

'cause these guys have been

living for this week.

Yeah, look, the thing is...

Wait, wait, wait!

We got rules.

You need to learn the rules.

Colin and me wrote rules,

and you gotta learn 'em.

- They made rules.

- Yeah!

Bachelor parties.

I'm so sick of going to

bachelor parties and fishing.

- Or whitewater rafting.

- Boo!

That is not a bachelor party.

- That's a party.

- It's just camping.

A bunch of cock and balls

sleeping in the woods.

- It's a schlong-a-thon.

- Now, this great tradition

is not only a send-off

of one's bachelorhood,

but a way to send

said bachelor off

with a train car

full of regret so deep,

you'll never wanna be

a bachelor again.

That's beautiful, Colin,

really, but, guys...

Rule number one, get drunk.

Fastest train to regret

is alcohol.

Rule number two, stay drunk.

I wrote the first two rules.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, Nick!

- It's okay.

- I knew you'd freak out.

- Is he drinking?

It's been five years, man.

I need a f***ing break.

- I don't think...

- Who cares if he dies?

- It doesn't work that way.

- I can have a beer or two,

in celebration of

your bachelor party, dad.

I wouldn't even be doing this

if you weren't getting married.

- No.

- It's on you, Joe.

- No.

- There's a meeting on Monday.

- I'll be there, okay? Promise.

- Look...

- Or Tuesday at the latest.

- I'll give you a ride.

I don't think

that's really the point.

Rule number three, hit the bar.

- Yeah!

- There's no better place

to hop on said train of regret

than a bar.

Rule number four,

and this is one of my favorites.

- This is a goody.

- Come back to the house

for a private viewing

of some of the local ballet.

I said no strippers.

That was the one rule I had,

was no strippers.

I lined it up

with a local agency.

Her name is Susan.

I'm sure she's very classy.

- Scotch-Irish, Joe.

- Susie.

- Okay, guys, look.

- She's clean, Joe.

Good. I imagine

they all are clean.

- She's clean, Joe.

- She's super clean.

Yeah. We think.

And rule number five,

the final rule,

the most important rule,

the reason why we're all here:

Wake up feeling so hungover

and guilty

that you never wanna be

a bachelor again,

and thus,

you're ready to be married.

Okay, look.

Guys, I really

just came down here...

- I wanted to tell you...

- No, wait, no, no, no.

Before you get

in any speeches, here.

Come on, here, here, here.

Beer, beer.

Okay, okay, now...

- Yeah.

- Speech.

- I came down...

- Speech, speech!

I came down here

to tell you, guys...

F***, what am I talking about?

You're the bachelor.

You can't do it.

It's bad luck.

- I'll do it, I'll do it.

- Yeah, let's do this.

It's a toast.

Come, come, Joe.

Come on, guys, get in here.

Okay, all right.

God, this is awkward.

Okay, so, Joe,

I've always looked up to you.

I think you know that.

You're smart, you're a handsome

son of a b*tch.

You've never woken up

next to a fat chick

hitting you because you were

so drunk, you pissed the bed.

- Okay, Nick.

- No, it's okay, it's okay.

I'm in control now.

But before you met Jess,

honestly,

I didn't even know

that love existed.

I really didn't.

And I've never told you this

before either, but...

It wasn't until I saw

what you and Jess had

that I decided to stop drinking,

clean up my life,

find that love for myself

'cause I knew now

that it existed

because of you and Jess.

You inspire me, man.

You and Jess inspire me.

Here's to true love.

- Cheers.

- Cheers!

- Okay, you're up.

- My turn.

Uh, to Joe, to Joe.

Even though getting married

was the...

Worst decision I ever made

in my entire life,

and I hate my ex

more than anything,

- with every fiber my...

- Okay, all right.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Before you met Jess,

you were very, very lonely,

and you hated casual sex

for some reason that none of us

could ever figure out.

So, yeah, I guess, you know,

marriage, that's the...

That's the right thing

for you to do, so, cheers.

- Cheers. That was nice.

Is that me? Should I?

All right.

All right. Um...

I think you guys know

I don't believe in love.

I certainly don't believe

in weddings, you know,

the idea of families

coming together.

But I do believe in finishing

what you started,

so, you know, you said you're

gonna marry this girl and, uh...

Uh, cheers?

Cheers. Yeah, cheers.

Okay, end of show.

That's you, Joe, Mr. bachelor.

Speech!

Are you guys, done?

Are you done with your little

speeches and your little rules?

- Yeah.

- What's going on, Joe?

I'm not getting married.

- What?

- Are you serious?

Oh, sh*t.

- It's probably for the best.

- Shut your mouth, Colin.

Oh, f*** it.

- What happened?

- I don't know. I, uh...

I came home today after work.

This happened today?

Yeah, right before

I drove up here.

Oh, f***.

She was sitting

in the kitchen, crying.

Her...

Her ring was on the table,

and she said...

Um...

She said it was over.

Ouch, dude.

What happened to your hand?

- I punched a hole in the wall.

- You okay?

Yeah.

I don't think it's broken.

No, I mean, you.

Are you okay?

Oh, um, yeah.

Yeah, I think...

I think so.

Maybe it's for the best.

That you found out

that she's a b*tch now

and not two weeks from now?

Or before a couple of gremlins

crawled out of her.

Which you have to pay

child support for

when you only get

to see them every two weeks.

You only see your kids

twice a month?

It's a f***ing travesty, Nick,

but here's the thing.

I try to look at the positive,

they have soccer games

on the weekends.

I have my boat time.

I don't bring the kids there.

It's dangerous, you know.

There's water. They can't swim.

It's not a safe place

for the kids, no.

But I get to do

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