Big Bear Page #2

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bachelor parties though.

That's the one good thing.

Bachelor parties

with my buddies.

- Yeah!

- Oh, sh*t.

It's not your bachelor party

anymore.

I'm sorry, Joe.

Hey, man, did she

say anything else?

Anything? I mean...

Did she say there was

someone else?

Joe? Joe?

Joe.

- Joe.

- Joe!

This is so f***ing bad.

Look, I just came up here

to let you guys know

that the bachelor party's

over, all right?

I'm sorry.

I know that you guys

were really looking forward

to this weekend,

but what I need to do right now

is just figure out my life.

What'd you have in mind?

Well, for starters,

before it closes,

I'm gonna go to Ikea.

- Ikea?

- Yeah.

I don't have anything

to sleep on tonight.

Okay, you just got dumped

two weeks before your wedding,

like garbage,

- and you wanna go to Ikea?

- Yeah, yeah.

I need furniture, you know?

I think you just need

to chill out for a minute.

Took his furniture.

It happened to me.

No, I didn't own any with her.

It was all hers.

And I am chill, all right?

Okay, okay. I can see that

you need furniture.

Why Ikea?

I like Ikea.

Nobody likes Ikea.

I do. I like a lot of Ikea.

I hate those little wrenches.

Oh, yeah, I know.

I swallowed one once.

Never came out.

How the f*** did you do that?

All right, all right,

all right, Joe, wait.

Why Ikea?

Because when I get

something from Ikea,

I know exactly how long

it takes to put it together.

It says right on the box:

3.4 hours to assemble.

I like knowing that for the next

three-point-four hours,

I'm gonna be assembling a brown

brusali with lonset slats,

and a white

stained oak veneer Malm,

or whichever f***ing Ikea bed

I'm gonna get today.

Okay.

Maybe before you go,

you'll have one drink with us

at the bar.

It shouldn't take more than

oh-point-four hours.

- Nick, get over here.

- Ow.

- Hey, Colin!

- What are we doing?

Take him. Don't let him go

no matter what.

I got him.

We doing this?

Joe, we don't think

you're telling us the truth.

- I told you what happened.

- Yeah, but...

You didn't tell us

everything that happened.

No.

- Yes.

- Why?

Because you like to tell

most of the truth.

That's not what we want.

That's not what friends do.

We want the whole truth.

Did she f***ing cheat on you?

- She f***ing cheat?

- She f***ing cheat on you, Joe?

No. No!

Careful. I've been drinking.

Did you get him?

I was always better

at this game drunk though.

It got real.

Guys, I don't wanna do this,

all right?

Bullshit you don't

wanna do this.

You drove all the way up here.

For a reason, I think.

Always there to help us,

but when he needs it,

he won't let us help him.

- Exactly, Nick.

- Classic Joe.

How about you tell us what

really happened to the hand?

I told you.

I punched the wall.

Yes, but why?

We've known you since college.

The last thing you would ever do

is resort to senseless violence.

I was mad at her.

This f***ing guy.

You don't punch a f***ing wall.

Mm-mm.

My fiance dumped me, all right?

- I was mad at her.

- No, that's wrong.

- Ah, Jesus, man! F***!

- Good darts.

- Honestly, I'm just throwing.

Just tell us what you won't

f***ing tell us, Joe.

No, it's none of your business.

Oh, so you admit

there is something else?

- Aha.

- Ooh!

We're your friends.

Please.

Let us take care of you.

- Uh, does this count?

- Yeah.

- Yes.

- Yeah.

Tough love, buddy.

Ah.

- Joe?

She's in love with someone else.

- Who is he?

- I don't know.

She said she loves him?

She said that they didn't cheat,

that they just...

Fell in love,

but they didn't have sex.

Well, if they're in love,

then they're not having sex.

They're making love.

Technically.

An emotional affair

is still cheating, Joe.

I don't know. She said that it's

not really about him and her.

It's more about us,

our problems.

Oh, f*** that sh*t.

I hate that excuse.

God, we should find this guy.

We should kick the sh*t

out of him.

- Can we do that?

- Teach him a lesson.

- Make you feel a lot better.

- Going to jail?

Who's going to jail?

Why would you go to jail?

Show me a cop in the world

who's gonna put you in jail

for taking the guy

who stole your fiance

and punching him in the face

like a few hundred times.

- Not gonna happen.

- Never happen.

- No.

- He didn't steal my fiance.

Oh, my god.

Joe, you can't even admit that?

Come on, man. The guy

totally crossed the line.

What line?

Yeah, what line?

You...

Oh, yeah, I step over it

all the time.

It's very obvious,

in the moment. Here I am.

I'm talking to someone's wife

or fiance, mother,

and there's an attraction.

And then all of a sudden,

we're sharing energy.

And then there's a line.

There it is.

Oh, that line.

Yeah, I know that line.

And I have a choice.

Do I step over it,

or do I step back?

Guess what this cum stain did.

He stepped right over it.

- He stepped over the line.

- Stomped over the line.

- He stomped it, Joe.

- Like a stallion.

Let me ask you something.

Just hypothetically.

If you could do anything

to teach this guy a lesson,

what'd that be?

- What, anything?

- Mm-hmm.

I'd make him dig his own grave.

You'd make him dig

his own grave? Sh*t!

That's so dark.

Like in mob movies, right?

When they take a guy out,

they take him

to the woods to kill him,

but they make him

dig his own grave first.

In reality, I mean,

that must take hours, right?

And the whole time

you're digging,

you're just thinking

about what you did

that got you in that situation.

That's genius, man.

Yeah, then you pop that piece of

sh*t in the back of the head

three times, right?

Blap! Blap! Ra-ta-ta!

I'd probably have to, right?

No, you wouldn't.

No. You just

turn him around, right?

He's sitting there,

he's evacuating his bowels,

looking down into his own grave,

waiting for the lights

to go out,

thinking about what he did.

And then...

You let him go.

F*** yeah. Dude would never

mess with you again.

- Yeah.

- Oh! You do nothing.

I love it.

It's the ultimate revenge.

You're sick.

Well, how about, uh, you know,

instead of sweet revenge,

next best thing,

some sweet, stanky booze?

Guys, I'm gonna go to that

meeting on Monday, okay?

Or Tuesday.

Wednesday at the very latest.

No, no, no, you're off leash.

- It's Joe's bachelor party.

- No, no.

It's not my bachelor party

anymore.

Rude.

Okay, so it's not the end

of your bachelorhood.

We can call it

whatever we want with you,

it's a celebration

of its rebirth.

That's exactly what he needs.

I'm in.

- Me too.

- This is a rebirth of Joe.

Come on, Joe.

- Come on in, it's warm.

- Join us.

F*** it.

- Hey!

- Yes!

Oh, ho! Ah!

Oh, my god, I feel alive again.

I feel alive!

Susan!

Okay, Joe.

Susan's here for you, man.

It's time to take all that anger

and disappointment and sadness

and get it off your chest,

and just...

Just spray it on hers.

No. No, I'm not gonna do that.

Okay.

Well, just the lap dance.

Okay.

Aah! Whoo!

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