Big Bear Page #3

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- I can do this.

- Do it, do it, do it!

One.

Two.

- Three.

- Yeah!

Got his hair.

Okay, you got his hair?

I did it!

F***, man!

What are you doing in here?

The whites.

F***ing weirdo.

Hey, did you hear that?

No.

I thought I heard some

banging in the basement.

Any banging in this house

is probably Colin

and that stripper.

Susan.

- How's your ass?

- Ah.

Have you seen a stripper

do that before?

I have.

When I was four.

- Oh!

- Fantastic.

Nick. Nick!

What?

Why didn't you puke

in your bathroom?

Wha... I puked?

In the sink.

Oh, sh*t.

I'm just waking up right now,

like this very second.

Well, good morning.

You just puked in the sink.

Clean it up.

Hell no.

No.

Nick, do you know if Colin

slept in the basement?

There's a basement?

Speak of the devil.

Damn.

Oh, it's up in my sinuses.

Oh, that's f***ed up.

- How much did that cost you?

- Hmm?

How much did you

pay that woman for sex?

No, we paid crystal to dance.

She chose to stay the night.

Crystal?

Yeah. Susan is just

her stripper name.

That's good misdirection.

Grande Starbucks.

Actually, it's a medium.

You've been out.

Yup. Had some errands to run.

Oh, you fixing cars or...

Oh, are you talking

about my outfit?

I like the way

it feels against my skin.

This trail of mud

seems a bit... suspicious.

Oh, you're just a real

Benedict Cumberbatch.

- God bless the BBC.

- He's hiding something.

No, I'm not.

- We know you can't be trusted.

- Yeah.

Like that time you replaced

all my shampoo with Nair.

That was hilarious.

All of my hair fell out.

That was the hilarious part.

Nick, it was unfortunate,

but he's right.

It was f***ing hilarious!

Ha ha.

This guy gets it.

Still, it proves

you can't be trusted.

He is hiding something.

There was a loud crash

in the basement.

What? Dude, you're...

What are you hiding, Erik?

Should we get the darts?

I got a surprise for you.

What is in the basement?

I think you're really

gonna like this.

- It might be Nair, dude.

- It's not Nair, Nick.

I'm just saying.

I'm not going down there.

What the f***?

Do you love it?

There's somebody

tied up down here.

I'm sorry he's so muddy.

He tried to run,

and he fell by the lake.

I didn't do this.

I left him in

a more presentable position.

Oh, he's a big boy.

Erik, who is that?

It's the guy.

It's the f***ing guy.

- Oh, my god.

- What guy?

He's finally done it.

Wait, he...

What has he done?

It's him.

You f***ed us all.

Huh? What?

The point is we got him.

He's tied up.

He's not so f***ing tall now,

is he? Is he?

What?

Happy bachelor party.

- Is he okay?

- I don't know. Joe.

Something's wrong with him.

Joe.

What's wrong with you?

What's wrong with me?

Yeah, I'm trying to help you.

I'm a little bit lost.

Who is that?

You think kidnapping

the guy who stole my fiance

is gonna help me?

- Oh, sh*t.

- Yes!

Dude, it's gonna make you

feel so much better

knowing that this a**hole

paid for what he did.

So now I'm supposed to go down

there and beat him with an oar?

Or maybe waterboard him

for a bit?

Those sound like great options.

You f***ing kidnapped someone!

I know!

You're welcome?

Hey, man, how did you

kidnap that guy?

Oh, dude, I'm glad you asked.

It was actually easier

than I thought.

First, I called Kelly.

Jess, his best friend,

would know what's going on.

- How's her juice business?

- I don't know. I didn't ask.

She's terrible with secrets

as you all know,

so it didn't take her long

to tell me where to find him.

You have to be the biggest...

Your place.

- Boom.

- I knocked on your door.

This grease ball answered.

I tied him up.

What about...

Oh, uh, sent Jess a text

with his phone.

"Sorry, I had to leave.

My hemorrhoids are killing me."

It works.

- Let me see that.

- No.

No, man, trust me.

You don't want to see the things

they've been texting.

- Sexting.

- It's more about sunsets.

It's revolting.

Okay. Help me out here.

I'm trying to piece it together.

Yeah, yeah, shoot.

Guy's kind of a big guy.

- Yeah, he's huge.

- He just let you tie him up.

Oh, no.

Dude, I had this mask on.

So?

So then I also had my dad's gun.

- What the hell?

- That helped.

F***! No, don't!

- That helped.

- Oh, great.

That's really funny.

Cool down with that thing, man!

For armed kidnapping,

that's another ten years.

F***ing great, Erik.

You've really done it this time.

Someone's gonna have to use

my chloroform.

Why do you have chloroform?

Most people have chloroform.

You're a scary person.

Seriously.

Well, great. Looks like

we're stuck cleaning up

another one of Erik's messes.

I think we need

to think about it.

I think we need to be

very careful on our next move.

What happens we let the guy go?

The guy squeals to the cops,

Erik goes to jail.

- Good.

- Flipside of that coin.

We don't untie him,

we're all accomplices,

and we all go to jail.

No one is going to jail!

How do you know?

Dude, nobody's

going to the cops!

Not it.

What? No.

No, you can't do that

in this situation.

Yes, coming, coming.

- Joe.

- I'm sorry.

Talk to the cop, Joe.

Put your f***ing thumbs down.

You're coming with me.

- Do it.

- He's got yellow glasses.

Put your thumbs down!

Calm down. Just be calm.

Dude, they're f***ing

shooting glasses.

Morning, officer.

Good afternoon, son.

Oh, I'm sorry,

is is that late already?

Boys having some kind

of a party here?

No. I mean, yeah, sort of.

I mean, it's not

a party-party.

Which is it?

Uh...

It's his bachelor party, sir.

No. No, it's not.

Not, not really.

No, it's really just four guys

hanging out for the weekend.

Just one, two, three, four.

No one else, huh?

No. No.

No.

We got a call about a woman

in disarray of dress

leaving this residence earlier.

Oh, yeah. Crystal... Susan.

- Crystal Susan?

- Crystal Susan.

- Crystal Susan.

- Crystal-Susan.

It's a hyphenate.

So that's an affirmative?

Yes.

Yeah, affirmative, affirmative.

You do realize that prostitution

is illegal in big bear.

Affirmative. Crystal-Susan

is a law student.

Actually, she overslept for

a law test on legal distress.

That's why she left

in disarray...

Of dress.

Yup.

You have a medical

marijuana card

from the state of California?

No.

Well, if I hear of anybody

using medical marijuana

for recreational purposes,

do you know the first place

that I'm gonna come?

Here?

Bright boy, bright boy.

Look at him go.

I got my eye on you four.

One, two, three...

Four.

Well, that was weird.

I'm letting him go.

Wait, wait, wait, listen.

If we make him realize

that he deserves what he gets,

he's not going to the cops.

You thought that

you'd kidnap this guy,

beat him up, and then he'd say,

"yeah, I deserved that."

Yeah, that's about right.

Is this just a joke to you?

No. It's not a joke.

Wha...

Do not untie him!

I'm gonna... I'm gonna come

take the tape off now.

Oh, it's really stuck on there.

Oh, it's really stuck.

I can't understand you.

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