Big Bear Page #4

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There's tape on your face.

Rip it fast.

Oh.

F***!

Why would you rip it so slow?

I don't know.

I've never done it before.

- You took off part of my lip.

- I'm sorry.

You should be.

Look, I don't know

what any of this is about.

You don't know who I am?

Uh, no. Should I?

Well, you're wearing

my f***ing robe.

Oh.

You're Joe.

You're laughing.

- No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

- You're clearly laughing.

- I'm sorry. I'm not laughing.

- It's not funny.

I know it's not.

I'm just...

- I'm relieved.

- Relieved?

Yeah. I thought

it was work-related.

- What do you do for work?

- I'm in corporate takeovers.

Some people take it

very personally.

The guy who stole my fiance

is in corporate takeovers?

- It's an honest living.

- Okay, but you're still tied up

in a scary basement in big bear.

Oh, I love big bear.

But yeah, this is...

I don't think... you know?

Look, Joe, I'm really sorry

about what happened

between you and Jess,

but you can untie me now.

I'm gonna untie you, all right?

But before I do that,

I just want you to agree

that this was a stupid mistake.

Oh, agreed.

And I just need you to say that

you're not gonna go to the cops.

I'm sorry.

No, you can't just take somebody

and expect not to pay

the consequences.

Kind of like how you

just took my fiance?

Oh, like what you did there.

But no, it's not the same thing.

- It's not?

- No. I didn't break any laws.

The basic tenets of almost

every law ever written...

The ten f***ing commandments...

Say you can't take

someone else's girl.

Actually,

that's your neighbor's wife,

and, technically, you guys

weren't married yet.

Who the f*** are you?

Look, Joe, I actually played a

very small part in your breakup.

- Really?

- Yeah.

You guys have a lot of issues.

Oh, we do? Do tell.

I'd love to hear them.

- Would you?

- Yeah.

Okay. Well, sh*t.

I mean, uh...

For instance, you...

You hated her family.

I didn't hate her family.

You didn't go on the ski trip

last year.

That really hurt

Jess's feelings.

I didn't go 'cause her dad

was gonna be there and...

Wait, how do you know all this?

That's right.

You're scared of her father.

I am not scared of her dad.

- You're not?

- No.

- You sure?

- Yes.

Really?

F*** you.

Hey, wait, you didn't

untie me. Joe!

Hello?

What are you guys doing?

- Huh?

- Hey. Nothing, man.

- Did you untie him?

- Dude, what happened?

What going on? Hey.

- Um...

- Did you untie him?

No, not yet.

- Good.

- Can I have this beer?

Yeah, if you like drinking

in the morning, go for it.

He's kinda cocky.

Okay! So let's teach this cocky

motherf***er some respect.

F***. Hold on.

I'll get that.

- Be mean!

- Go, Joe!

Go get him, Joe.

Come on, let's do this.

Just a little.

All right, ready?

What was it, end of the lips

and over your gums?

Look, when I asked

for his blessing

to marry his daughter,

he said no.

Ooh. I could understand why

you'd be afraid of him then.

Exactly. No, I'm not...

He's a very traditional man,

so I thought if I asked

for his blessing,

he might finally

show me some respect.

Why did he say no?

He said that if we got married,

we'd have a hard time

because I don't make

enough money.

Hmm. How much did you

pull in last year?

75, 80k?

What?

Fifty? Sixty?

Less? Thirty? Joe!

I had a really rough year

last year, okay?

- It wasn't normal.

- That's right. You got demoted.

Exactly! Yeah, for reasons

out of my control.

Your boss promoted his

unqualified nephew or something.

Yes. He had never even

worked in our division.

How do you know all that?

How could you let that

happen though?

- No, I didn't let it happen.

- Yeah.

- Either that or get fired.

- So get fired or, sh*t, quit.

- If it's respect that you want.

- I want money.

That was the whole thing.

I needed the money

to have a good marriage

so that I could get respect,

I thought.

Look, Joe, I think Jess's dad

might've been right.

You can't support a family

on an income like that.

Half of marriages end

because of money problems.

And the other half end

because of infidelity.

- Whoa.

- Oh, right, right.

You haven't slept with Jess.

Yet.

Why you just untie me

before you do something you're

really gonna end up regretting?

You're smarter than this, Joe.

You need to wise up.

You know, you can't go around

doing sh*t like this.

- I guess I just did.

F***!

- Chop it up real fine.

- Make 'em a little fatter.

- Where'd you get this sh*t?

- It's one of Mike's items.

Oh, Mike.

Man, this is a good sh*t.

Make 'em fat, make 'em big.

Shut up. I know what I'm doing.

F*** that guy!

F*** yeah!

Now do you see?

Somehow that guy knows

everything about me.

- He knows everything about you.

- He does.

That's what these guys do.

They get the information,

they get the girl to vent,

start purging about

the boyfriend.

She told him everything.

- Told him everything about you.

- F***.

- He flipped it on me.

- He flipped it on you.

He f***ing flipped it on you!

- F*** that guy.

- F*** that guy!

Except in this case,

he got the fiance to f***ing

break up with the fianc

two weeks before

the f***ing wedding!

- F*** it.

- Yeah.

- Told you it was good sh*t.

- Is that my credit card?

Where? Oh, is this...

Yeah, I think that's yours.

Listen, we have a problem.

Yeah, I know.

We're all accomplices now.

Good for you.

No, we have a bigger problem.

Jess won't stop calling.

Really?

Oh, okay, I got it.

Here's what you do. You say,

"hey, sorry I didn't get back

to your texts or phone calls.

Just got out of the er.

My hemorrhoids are still

bleeding all over the place."

- Oh, gross.

- That's the OG story.

You gotta stick to it, man.

She's really worried

about him, huh?

Who cares? Let her worry.

Nope. Tell her something

that'll get her to chill out.

This is your fault

for not moving his car.

I'm sorry. I'm gonna kidnap him

and valet his car?

Didn't think about that,

did you, genius?

You know what? Why don't you say

"I'm sorry. My car didn't start,

so I took a cab

to my apartment."

- That's good.

- What if he has a house?

Your kids don't love you.

Sorry. I didn't mean that.

Say "I took a cab to my place."

- She said he left his wallet.

- Goddamn it!

I'm sorry I didn't have time to

gather his personal belongings.

Sh*t. She's gonna call the cops.

F***.

I need your help.

F*** you.

I just need you to tell me

what to text Jess

that's gonna get her

to calm down.

F*** you.

Okay, all right.

I'll take the tape off.

I know, I know. Rip it fast.

That is strong duct tape.

Come on.

What should I tell her?

Tell her I'm tied up

in a basement in big bear

- and to send the police.

- Seriously.

Seriously?

Why the f*** would I help you?

Because I'm gonna

take you back to la,

but it's gonna be

a lot more difficult

if Jess goes on one of

her patented freak-outs first.

I help you,

you're gonna take me back?

- I promise.

- Untie me first.

After.

Tell her I'm sorry

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