Big Bear Page #5

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that I disappeared.

Melanie came and picked me up.

Who's Melanie?

My wife.

What?

Soon to be ex-wife.

- You're married?

- Yeah, but...

You cheated on your wife

with my fiance?

- Well...

- An emotional affair

is still crossing the line.

- What line?

- The line that you cross

when you're sharing energy

with someone.

- What?

- The f***ing line you cross

when you're doing

something wrong!

But I guess you don't

see it that way

because you didn't bring your

dick across the line with you.

This better work.

A**hole.

Well? Did it work?

You guys use emojis?

What the f*** are emojis?

These. Stupid f***ing

smiley faces and sh*t.

Yeah. Jess likes them.

So what?

Yeah, I know.

I hate 'em.

Told her I won't text her back

if she used them.

- Why?

- Because they're stupid.

They're childish.

If you're gonna say something,

say it in words.

- Yeah, but who cares?

- I do.

She likes them. So what?

That's her thing.

I mean, you think it's important

enough to fight about it?

I don't need your stellar

relationship counseling.

- Okay, professor love?

- Well, maybe you do.

You've already done a whopper

on my now previous engagement.

- You came asking for my advice.

Mmm!

Strong tape, strong tape.

- Too tight?

- Yeah, wait, hold on.

- Why are we tying me up again?

- So you don't hurt yourself.

I don't think it's necessary.

Ah, f***, man!

All right.

- You'll thank me.

- Yeah, you're right.

- Why is Nick tied to...

What is she doing here?

Okay, Joe, it's cool.

She's here to help with Jess.

What? You told her?

Joe, crystal-Susan is a lady.

She understands ladies.

Okay, I'm sorry, crystal-Susan,

but it's already taken care of.

Oh, I was just trying

to help, so...

Joe, crystal-Susan

is here to help, okay?

Please, take it easy.

It seems like she's here

for you.

Well...

- Are you?

- Yeah.

- Are you really?

- Yeah, why not?

At least I think so.

Why is Nick tied to a chair?

Oh, I got such a good idea.

- But it's dangerous.

- It's not dangerous.

- Okay, is it dangerous?

- Perfectly safe.

- It'll kill him.

- What?

Colin, shut up.

Nick, you're gonna be fine.

Joe, we gotta

teach this guy a lesson.

It is the only way to make sure

he doesn't squeal.

- I think I'm out.

- Now, nobody here

is talking about

permanently hurting,

wouldn't do that.

Just talking about a little dose

of very healthy,

very safe revenge.

Like what exactly?

Okay, I don't think

it would be too much

to tie a car battery

to his nipples.

- What? No, no. Is that safe?

- No.

- I'm gonna test it on Nick.

- Untie me.

I say we pull out some teeth.

I think that would be permanent.

I think we should untie me.

Then we'll get his fingernails.

- Fingernails grow back.

- Good point.

- That's so dumb. So much blood.

- Let's untie me.

I'm sorry, Mr. electroshock

therapy torture man.

I'm trying to teach him

a lesson he will remember.

He's not gonna remember anything

if you fry his f***ing brain.

Guys...

Do you...

Guys, guys, Joe.

Joe?

Hey, man, you okay?

- I'm taking him back to la.

- No!

We can't take him back

without scaring him first.

- I'll try and reason with him.

- Joe, are you okay?

You can't reason

with these people.

What was that?

What just happened?

And I'm taking him back

on my own, all right?

- Untie Nick.

- What just happened there?

- I knew it's gonna be too much.

- You okay, Joe?

I knew he was gonna freak out

with the battery.

You have one unheard

message sent today at 9:35 A.M.

Oh, Joey. Oh, baby, oh.

I want you to call

and cry with me.

Oh, sh*t.

Are you crying?

No. No, it was...

It was just my mom.

Your mom crying?

Okay, good.

Phew. That could've been

a little awkward.

- You're gonna be okay.

- Thanks.

Right?

Yeah.

Just hurts a lot, you know?

Yeah, man.

Do you remember back in college

when my barber died?

I don't think it's the same

kind of hurt, exactly.

Maybe.

He was the only guy in the world

I trusted to cut my hair.

And then he was just dead.

But you know, I needed

to have my hair cut still,

so I found a new barber.

But this f***ing guy,

he was just so...

Confused by my hair.

There's a delicate,

sort of follicular flow

that goes on up here

with the two cowlicks.

I have, like, three crowns,

and it's confusing

for the best of them.

He just ruined it, man.

I was devastated.

It really stressed me out.

I didn't realize that you take

your haircut so seriously.

Oh, yeah, big time.

You know, and then my hair

started falling out clumps,

which is never good.

I thought, well, f***, that's

gotta be because of the stress.

And so I thought, well,

you gotta stop the stress.

But then the stress became about

me trying to stop the stress,

which was stressful.

- Huh.

- I didn't know what to do.

I was so lost, man.

Then I found out that Erik

put Nair in my f***ing shampoo,

and I was a little hurt,

but honestly...

I was a little relieved.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, because my hair

had a chance to start over.

It was a new day.

It was a new dawn for me

and my buds up there.

You know, I 'm walking around

bald as an eagle

with, like, no eyelashes,

no eyebrows,

but I didn't have that stupid

f***ing haircut anymore.

I was free,

and the amount of time it took

for my hair to grow back,

I spent that shopping around

for a new barber,

and that's when I found Karen.

My rock.

So are you dating Karen now?

No. What?

What?

She cuts my hair.

What?

What?

Although,

now that you mention it,

I never really thought of her

that way before.

She's, uh, she's quite fetching.

No, f***, sh*t. Uh...

He's ready.

All right.

Okay.

I mean it.

Yeah.

- All right.

- Okay.

- I'll be in.

- Okay.

Crystal left.

Oh.

You hurt her feelings,

so she went home.

No, you didn't.

She was just on

a stripper smoke break.

She had to get back on the pole.

You want me to untie him?

Not yet.

All right, should I do this

fast or slow?

- Slow?

- Fast.

Fast.

Oh, sh*t.

Sorry. That was really

on there good.

Yeah, he was thirsty.

Let's begin.

What the f***?

- Erik...

- I watched a video on YouTube.

I know exactly how to do it now.

- You said you'd let me go.

- We are.

As soon as I introduce you

to mega-tron 26 here.

Whoa!

- Jesus!

- Oh, f***.

- It'll work.

- It's gonna kill him.

It's not gonna kill him.

He's big.

Erik, f***ing put it down,

all right?

Joe, you gotta

teach him a lesson.

No, no, I'm taking him back,

all right?

This was a huge mistake.

You're goddamn right it was.

But nobody got hurt.

- Yet.

- Just shut the f*** up.

These are teachers.

And can you really

blame my friends

for trying to make me

feel better?

You must be Colin.

Jess tell you I was the most

handsome of the guys?

No, but she gave pretty good

descriptions of all of you.

Not surprised at all that you

would do something this stupid.

Let me tell you something, guy.

There are a lot more

stupider things we can do.

More stupid.

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