Big Bear Page #6

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You must be Nick.

Ha!

What? F*** you, man!

Now I'm definitely gonna

electrocute him.

- Yeah, get him.

- Okay, you know what? No.

- I like being Nick.

- Yes!

No, you're not. Look.

It doesn't matter who anyone is.

- I'm taking him back to la.

- That is a bad idea.

This whole f***ing thing

was a bad idea, Erik.

I haven't seen you guys

in months,

and I thought it'd be great

to reconnect with you

one last time before

I got married, but now...

Now I'm not getting married

because my fiance dumped me

for this f***ing guy.

But instead of making me

feel better,

I'm hungover,

I can't sit down

because crystal-Susan

broke a belt over my ass,

and to top it all off,

you kidnapped this f***ing guy.

- I have a name, dude.

- Shut up!

You know, when this thing's

all over,

I don't think I wanna

see you guys for a while.

I have to be honest, Joe.

I think that's for the best.

- Shut up.

- Okay.

What's that for?

- Just take it.

- No, no, no, no.

Erik, I am not taking that.

Uh-oh, he's running.

Oh, sh*t.

Go that way!

Split up.

- Why didn't you grab him?

- Was I supposed to grab him?

- I got him, Joe!

- Get him, get him, get him!

Come on.

Stop! Stop, stop, stop!

Agh! F***ing altitude.

Ohh!

Nick! Nick!

Ah, f***. Okay!

Stop, stop, stop, stop!

Okay, okay, all right.

Hey.

What the f***, man?

You run so f***ing fast.

Do you work out or something?

I ran track in high school.

- So did I, Fifteen years ago.

- Why did you run, man?

- I said we're gonna let you go.

- So why are my hands tied?

You still haven't said that

you aren't going to the cops,

and I thought maybe I could

talk some sense into you.

Oh, right,

talk some sense into me.

Well, you're the one

who's still tied up,

which means that you can't swim.

- I bet he's a great swimmer.

- Oh, f*** yeah.

Come on, man.

I'll untie your hands

in the car.

That's a good idea.

Come on.

Come on.

Hey, guys, where'd he go?

Nick, hang on!

Oh, sh*t.

You killed him.

- Why'd you do that?

- He's not dead.

See? He's fine.

His nose looks kinda broken.

Yeah, it kinda does.

Come on, let's get him

in the car.

He still hasn't

learned anything.

Stop making this worse.

I'm trying to make it better.

Erik, no, I'm not taking that.

Do what you said.

Make him dig his own grave

and scare the sh*t out of him.

No, I'm not doing that.

No one is gonna wanna marry you

if you can't stand up

for yourself.

F*** you.

F*** you.

Have a nice drive.

If you hurry, you might

still make it to Ikea.

Hey, man, call us

when you get back to la.

Hey, I wanna tell you

that I texted Karen.

We're gonna meet up for dinner

next week in la.

Karen?

Yeah, my barber.

Give me the f***ing keys.

Okay.

Ow.

Jesus, my nose.

Is my nose...

My nose is broken.

- It's fine.

- No.

This is f***ing broken.

Look at this!

It was a little bit crooked

before.

- No, it wasn't.

- Yeah, it was.

I don't think so.

Everyone's nose is a little bit

crooked, all right?

You didn't have

a perfectly straight nose.

Oh, my god,

this is so uncomfortable.

My arms are gonna f***ing

fall asleep.

Okay, I can't feel my hands now.

You don't need your hands

to sit in the passenger side

of a car.

It's two hours back to la?

Thereabouts.

What the f***

are you worried about?

Well, you bulldozed me

into a lake.

Come on, man. I'm not gonna

jump out of a moving car.

Damn it.

Sh*t.

Oh, my god,

this is really uncomfortable.

Just try to relax your arms.

They won't fall asleep.

See how I'm sitting?

How am I supposed to relax?

- Just...

- F***.

- Now you have to untie me.

No way.

What, you know him?

Don't say anything.

I'm not gonna have to.

All right, lift your arms up.

Hurry up. Get them up.

I can't lift them any higher.

My arms fell asleep.

Oh, sh*t.

You're doing it tighter.

No, I...

I was tightening it.

He's coming, Joe.

Now he's coming.

Shh, shh. Okay.

Don't say anything, please.

Well.

Cheech and Chong.

Hi.

Hi.

Are you?

What?

Are you high, son?

No.

- What about you?

- He's not.

I was talking to him.

No.

Officer, I don't smoke.

Of course you don't.

You have any idea

why I'm asking you that?

Because you're cracking down

on the abuse of

medical marijuana in big bear?

Are you patronizing me, son?

No. No, I...

You said that before.

Is your nose broke?

No, sir. It's always been

a little bit crooked.

Hmm.

License and registration.

Affirmative.

What did you say to me?

Yes. Yes.

Registration's in the glove box.

Uh-huh.

You just got your nails done?

I got it, I got it.

What?

License and registration.

Where are you two young men

headed today?

- A hike.

- To la.

You both just told me

two different things.

Son, where are you headed?

Step out of the vehicle.

Officer, excuse me.

We're going back to la.

But we're just gonna stop off

real quick and have a hike.

You know, enjoy some nature

before we have to head back

to that smog-infested jungle.

I never did care too much

for Los Angeles myself.

Oh, lord, me neither.

But it sure is nice

that there's a place

as safe and quiet

as big bear's so close.

Up around the next bend,

there's a real pretty hike.

It's my husband's favorite.

Just make sure you park in the

designated parking areas only.

Absolutely.

Thank you, officer.

Sure.

Pants?

Next time.

Crack, crack.

Did he say husband?

Why did you say

we were going for a hike?

Because we are.

- I'm not.

- Yes, you are.

Okay, I could have just

told that cop

about the gun that you're

hiding underneath your leg.

Yeah? Well, why didn't you?

I don't know.

Because you saved me

from your friends,

and you said you were gonna

take back me to la.

And maybe I feel a little bit

sorry for you.

You ruined my life,

but not my bachelor party.

I thought it wasn't

your bachelor party anymore.

Yeah, well, it is,

whether I like it or not.

Okay, Joe,

but you're digging a very deep

hole for yourself here.

No.

That's what you're gonna do.

Ohh...

No.

No, no, no, wait, wait, wait.

What are you doing?

I'm digging.

No, you're whistling.

Yeah. I do that

when I'm bored.

Aren't you thinking about

what you did?

No. I'm thinking about

what a waste of time this is.

- What?

- You're not going to shoot me.

If your friend Erik was here,

I'd be a little f***ing worried

because that guy, he's psycho.

You need to be thinking

about what you did

that got you to this place.

I opened the door

to your psycho friend.

- Before that.

- I didn't convince Jess

to fall out of love with you,

all right?

That happened a long time before

I ever came around.

- F*** you.

- It's true!

In reality,

I played a very little part

in the breakup of your marriage.

- A little part?

- Yeah.

Are you talking about your dick?

- No.

- Is your dick the little part?

Because in the reality

that I live in,

the number one thing

Jess loves to freak out about

is her allergy to latex.

So we always had to use

polyisoprene condoms,

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