Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son Page #9

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HALEY:
Isabelle, it's great. You really captured her.

TRENT:
Yeah, girl, and there's a whole lot to capture.

Thanks. I just hope the RISD admissions people agree.

Yeah, they totally will.

Hey, have you heard from Trent?

He better be here soon.

Big Momma?

Yes, dear?

You knew I took the rooster

and you didn't narc me out.

Child, this is not Big Momma's first barbecue.

You putting on this front of toughness.

Trying to act all growed up.

I'm a senior.

Child, I see who you are on the inside.

You're a good, sensitive girl. No

different than Big Momma.

You're strong-willed,

just trying to take care of the

people who depend on you.

Plus

I'm starving!

Aw! The poor baby is hungry!

(EXCLAIMING SYMPATHETICALLY)

I did something else.

Worse than the rooster.

She wanted to be a Diva so bad,

I told her she could be if she stole the music box.

Who?

Haley. I made her do it.

I told her to bring it tonight so

that we could put it back.

Where is Haley?

I just saw her with Mia.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome

to our annual Showcase!

Get ready to see some of the best

and brightest young talent that Atlanta has to offer.

Well, thank you for telling me, all right?

That was big of you, you know?

Now you get out there and break a

leg, and make Big Momma proud.

And afterward, I'm going to

have a double cheeseburger

and a regular Coke.

Supersize it!

(CHUCKLING)

GAIL:
...Jasmine Lee!

Now go, go! Go, go, go!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

How many times do I gotta say I'm sorry?

Sorry?

"Sorry" don't mean squat from a two-timing dog!

Like Aunt Yorima used to say,

"It's better to be alone with yourself

for the rest of your life

"than together with bad company for a minute."

And, honey, you is bad company!

You're an entire conglomerate of badness!

Wait. Who is Aunt Yorima?

Mia? You seen Haley?

Yeah. I think she's with Charmaine.

Try the other side of the stage.

This Delant? Yeah.

(EXCLAIMS DISAPPROVINGLY)

And another thing...

(WHISPERING) Hey, Haley. Hey, girl.

Where is Trent? I'm up next!

Excuse me.

Listen, that's what I wanted to talk to you about.

Trent's not going to make it.

What? What am I going to do?

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Bravo! You did your thing. I saw that move.

All right, listen. Breathe, girl, breathe. It's all good.

You're going to go out there

and you're gonna be great.

You don't need Trent.

Next, with an original composition, Haley Robinson!

Okay.

Big Momma, what are you doing?

You're supposed to be chaperoning!

There are boys backstage.

All right, all right.

Hey! What are you... Get out of there, you!

You don't try to get a little nookie!

I'm gonna tan your hide!

Okay. (CLEARS THROAT)

(PLAYING SONG UNEVENLY)

(SINGING MELODY TIMIDLY)

(STOPS PLAYING)

Um...

(AUDIENCE MURMURING)

I'm sorry, this was supposed to be a duet.

It still is, girl. Look, Trent taught me everything.

What? Rock with it.

(RESUMES PLAYING)

(BOTH HARMONIZING)

(SINGING) Baby, you know

You are the air that I breathe

The life that's in me

Oh

And each time I see you

My heart starts to pound

Whenever you come around

'Cause you are all I need

You're making me better, see

From all of the love

That you're giving me Every time I think about you

Want you, need you, hold you, kiss you, love you

Never would place a person on this earth above you

I just want to be the one to make you feel amazing

And because you keep it real, we singing

HALEY:
And each time I see you

My heart starts to pound

Whenever you come around

Yeah, you are all I need

Uh, you gentlemen...

Are you invited guests?

That's the crazy lady who chased us.

Get out of our way. We have business here.

Only business you have here is none-ya.

What? "None-ya"?

None-ya damn business!

(IN DEEPER VOICE) I crossed the line I'm wrong to lie

I'll make you mine

Yeah, you are all I need

Wait

(RAPPING) These words I'm speaking

got me going crazy

I need you, Haley

To be my baby

(MUSIC STOPS)

(AUDIENCE GASPING)

Wardrobe malfunction!

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)

Haley... You... You're...

Let me explain. I trusted you!

No, listen, listen.

My God, everything I told you?

I'm just saying... Listen.

(AUDIENCE GASPING)

Haley!

(GRUNTS) Security! Security! He groped me!

He's trying to freak me!

He's groping me! He's trying to freak me!

Oh, Lord!

Call the FBI, ask for Agent Crawford.

Tell him you're a friend of Big Momma's

and keep everyone in the auditorium!

I don't understand.

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Just do

it. I'll explain it to you later.

(GRUNTS)

Okay. Everyone, please stay in your seats, okay?

Mrs. Mercier, dancers, please!

Split up!

Haley!

Trent! Trent!

Haley!

Yo, yo, yo! What is this thing?

Dude, you are all kinds of freaky!

Does Haley like you better as a girl or a boy?

Look, I can't do this right now.

Big boy! Come on, man!

Come on, get him! Get him!

(IN NORMAL VOICE) All right. Y'all got 30

seconds to get your asses off campus

or there's a hell of a lot more where that came from.

Bounce!

You've got some explaining to do.

Look, Chirkoff's guys must've

made me yesterday in town.

I took off Charmaine's outfit just once,

to get close to Haley.

You blew your cover. And you lied to me about it!

For a girl who played you?

She didn't play me.

Oh, yeah? Did she tell you she had the music box?

You act like you're the man.

And you were starting to convince me.

But it's all an act, you know why?

'Cause a real man wouldn't risk his life for some girl.

Look, she ain't just some girl!

You did the same thing when you met my mom.

This is nothing like that.

Come on. Come on. Malcolm!

In. In! Yo!

Stay there! Do not move.

Look, you got to trust me! Malcolm!

Damn!

Haley! Haley!

Haley!

Boss. We got him.

H-bomb!

Go away! Look, let me explain.

Leave me alone!

Look, you got the music box in that bag, don't you?

Yeah, and right now I just want to

put it away and get out of here,

seeing as how my life is pretty much ruined!

Look, there's some crazy, dangerous people after that.

What are you talking about? It's

just some old music box.

Not really.

Look. This flash drive got evidence that'd

put away some really bad people.

That's why I've been working undercover.

What?

So this was just some kind of job?

(MOBILE PHONE CHIMING)

Our night together? Our kiss?

We'll talk about that later. But right now, I need this.

There's no later. Haley.

Actually, I'll take the drive!

Trent!

TRENT:
Haley, come on! (HALEY SCREAMS)

HALEY:
Run, run!

(MOBILE PHONE RINGING)

Talk to me.

VLAD:
The kid's with the girl, they're in the library.

Haley, we got to get you somewhere safe.

Let go of me! Come on.

DMITRI:
Don't move.

Runs pretty good for a woman.

(IN WOMANLY VOICE) Oh, don't shoot.

I'm not even wearing a clean pair of granny panties.

Coroner's gonna think I'm some two-bit floozy!

Shut up.

(GAGGING)

My palpitations!

My poor cholesterol heart!

Like Fred Sanford said, "I'm coming

to join you, Elizabeth!"

Wait, wait, wait!

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