Big Nothing Page #4

She planned to run away with her lover,

Max, now deceased, thanks to Charlie,

and the two million dollars the reverend

raised from his side venture

in shooting and selling snuff films.

Okey-dokey?

- Groovy!

- Groovy?

Three people died tonight, Josie.

In this business, unfortunately,

death is an occupational hazard.

And by the way, way to go using

my name in front of the cop... Charlie!

Hey, look. I can help.

I'll testify that I heard Mrs Smalls

confess to killing her husband.

As for Mrs Smalls, she was

threatening the life of a police officer.

- What about the guy in the tank?

- You killed him by accident.

You wouldn't do much time.

Five years, tops.

Oh my God!

Well that doesn't suck!

I have to hand it to you.

That was a brilliant plan after all.

Can you believe it? We're rich.

You guys can keep my share.

I'm gonna turn myself in.

If I go to jail, I go to jail.

Don't be ridiculous! You earned this.

They'll just hunt us down like animals.

With this kind of money

you can disappear.

I have a wife and daughter,

I don't want to disappear.

Fine. Gus and I will leave the state

and we'll just drop you and the deputy

in the middle of nowhere.

- How's that sound?

- Let's get rid of the deputy.

- What?

- Good thinking!

Since he's the only one who can testify

that we're innocent of the murder.

OK, Miss Teen Oklahoma...

Help!

Help!

- Hold his head.

- What are you doing?

Just helping him relax a little.

My friend here decided to surrender.

We'll drop you both somewhere

and say goodbye.

- You're making a big mistake.

- Let's get out of here.

Wait, wait!

- I gotta go pee.

- Oh...

- Please?

- OK.

Wait...

- The handcuffs.

- In your dreams!

There are certain requirements...

There. Enjoy!

I'm sorry...

I can't go if you're, er... watching.

Could you just close...

Stage fright!

It happens to the best of us.

One minute warning.

You dropped this.

- No, I can explain... Argh!

- Get up, partner!

- What the hell's the matter with you?

- It's a flight to Vegas.

to meet at noon to split the money.

- That a**hole broke my nose!

- You better have an explanation.

All right, I lied about Thais needing

a cornea transplant. She's fine.

- I owe my wife 300,000 bucks.

- I'm sorry?

I owe my ex-wife 300,000 dollars

and because of her snake of a lawyer

there is a restraining order against me

until I pay up.

I have not seen or talked

to my daughter in two years.

- Why not say?

- Would you have helped?

- Of course not.

- Well, there you go, then!

- Oh my God!

- There goes our alibi.

Uh-uh! Freakin' fantastic!

Don't you see? None of us

has to run away or turn ourselves in.

What do you propose?

We roam the country

like Bonnie and Clyde... and Clyde?

No. First, we take the cop's car

and crash it into a tree up the road.

We put him and the reverend's wife

in her car

and push it over the cliff

at Grouse Point.

- They'd find the car in a couple of days.

- And what would the forensic figure?

That the deputy was driving under

the influence of alcohol, crashed,

flagged down another car

driven by Mrs Smalls,

took control of the wheel

and drove them off a cliff.

And the wounds, they'd be more

than covered up by the crash.

So the reverend gets murdered

on the same night

that his wife gets driven off a cliff

by a drunken cop?

That doesn't sound very accidental.

You know, he has a point... for once.

OK, er... Then we plant Mrs Smalls'

gun in the car with them.

They figure it was the weapon

that killed the reverend.

They think... maybe she had an affair

with the deputy,

maybe they decide to off the reverend

and then maybe they had an accident.

- That's a hell of a lot of maybes!

- Let's hear your bright idea, boss.

Ooh! Old broad sure liked her food!

Fancy body bags!

- You're eating a lollypop?

- I didn't have dinner. I need the sugar.

- Ow!

- Are you OK?

Yeah. Let's just get this done.

Can you go any slower?

We don't wanna attract attention,

now do we?

No, we don't wanna go back in time,

now do we?

It's only by going faster than light that

one could theoretically go back in time.

Yeah! Do me a favour -

shut the f*** up!

You have some serious stress-related

issues. You're not Canadian, are you?

Wh... What?

The 2003 statistical report on the health

of Canadians states that 62 percent...

What's wrong with you? You pull these

random facts and stats out of your ass,

and nobody really gives a sh*t!

- Guys!

- Jesus Christ, man!

Charlie, here's a nifty stat for you -

for a guy that knows everything,

to get a job in a call centre

you have to be, bar none, the biggest

loser I have ever met in my life.

And I'm from Las Vegas!

You ever hear of a neurotransmitter

called acetylcholine?

What?

It's the chemical your brain uses

for memory... dummy.

- Is it?

- Yeah, that's exactly right.

See, the reason I lost my teaching job

is I have this disorder,

typified by a gradual, acute

neuro-degeneration

of the cerebral cortex.

Or if that's too "pulled out of my ass"

for you, I'm slowly losing my memory.

Are you making this up?

The doctors think that, in a year or two,

my mind will be a total blank.

So the only thing I can do

to slow things down

is to keep working my memory

as much as possible.

Do you remember

what's in the blue bag?

What blue bag?

Jeez, guy, I'm really sorry.

You know...

Hey, Gus, what's the Greek word

for bullshit?

- You sonofabitch!

- Stop it!

Damn it! What the...

- Are you f***ing crazy?

- He lied to us again!

He doesn't have a daughter...

Is everyone OK in there?

We're fine.

Everything's fine.

So, thanks for coming over.

- I think we should call the police.

- What?

No, let's not bother them.

They've got a lot on their plate.

You're fine, your car's fine.

Yeah, but I'm pretty sure

that's standard procedure, isn't it?

I'll be honest with you - I don't give

a rat's ass for standard procedure.

Here, why don't you pack your fat ass

back in your car

and buy yourself as big a sandwich

as your heart desires.

Is that standard enough

procedure for you?

- Your trunk is open.

- What?

You all going on a trip somewhere?

Sure looks you're packed for a long one.

Is that your entire wardrobe in there?

No, it's a couple of dead bodies.

- That was a good one!

- I'm glad you liked it...

Oh, jeez!

Oh, it's time for old stingy!

What?

Oh, it's insulin.

Whatever!

Freak show!

- Ow!

- You sonofabitch!

Granted, I lied, but I have

a responsibility towards myself.

- When I got out of prison, I swore...

- What? What?

You were in prison? For what?

I kind of convinced some people

to invest in some businesses

that weren't actually,

technically in existence.

- Anything else you forgot, sociopath?

- Oh, come on!

- Aren't you overreacting a bit?

- Overreacting?

I happen to be a very good conman.

That's my talent. What do you want

me to do, waste it?

You don't go around using it

on your partners, jerk!

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