Big Nothing Page #5

I bet Gus isn't even your real name.

What is it?

- No, really, I'd love to know.

- My mother, God rest her soul...

...named me after Augustus...

What the...

- Maybe she's jumped out the trunk.

- She didn't jump out of any trunk.

- She's f***ing dead.

- Did you check her pulse?

- Er... no.

- Why didn't you check her pulse?

Because I assume that when you

have an axe lodged in your skull

your pulse tends to bottom out on you!

- Maybe you shouldn't assume so much.

- All right, just settle down, kids!

All that matters now is that we find her

before someone else does.

- Try to keep it on the road this time!

- Hey, f*** you! F*** you both!

When people ain't punching me

in the eye, my driving is just perfect.

Argh!

Want me to check her pulse?

Sh*t!

- Charlie?

- Hi, honey!

- What are you doing here?

- What are you doing here?

Wh... We had an anonymous call

reporting a body in the road.

We just ran over it.

Hi, I'm Josie McBroom.

I thought you were having a drink

with your supervisor.

Technically, I'm Junior Supervisor

but they did place Charlie under me.

- Oh...

- And you must be...

- Penelope Wood.

- Penelope.

- Detective Penelope Wood.

- Of course!

Charlie has told me a lot about you...

Did he say he has a little girl

and that I brought her...

- Emily's here?

... because there's no one at home?

Now, what happened, exactly?

Well, we were driving into town

and all of a sudden - bang!

We ran over this body here. There

was nothing I could do to avoid her.

No one could have. I swear,

she just popped out of nowhere.

- And you are?

- Who, me? I'm Gus.

Gus Dickinson is my name.

A co-worker of Charlie's.

- Who are you calling?

- My deputy.

Aren't you gonna answer that?

Uh-uh! It's probably

just my ex-boyfriend.

Freakin' stalker, you know?

Deputy Garmen, Detective Wood here.

You need to report in immediately.

Detective Wood.

Where?

Sh*t!

- The Eye is at the station.

- The what?

All right, I want you all to follow me down

there. I'm gonna need your statements.

Can't that wait till tomorrow?

I'm sure it more productive

if we'd had a good night's sleep, right?

You might have mentioned

that your wife was a detective.

Shut up.

Gus, you might have mentioned

about not really owing alimony

to your imaginary wife and your

imaginary daughter not really going blind.

Touch!

Everyone, this is Special Agent

Chester Hymes.

Well, can you beat this?

My friends with the bodies in the trunk.

- What?

- It's an inside joke!

We ran into each other earlier.

How do you do?

- I'm ready.

- Charlie, can you look after Emmy.

You two follow us.

- We're screwed!

- Not if we keep out story straight.

We had a few beers at Gus's place,

that's the end if it. Got it?

Got it.

Gus...

- We're screwed!

- Oh, come on!

Do you think Agent Hippo

is gonna figure out more

than where to find a really great buffet?

These abrasions on her knees

and elbows

indicate a leap from a moving vehicle.

We can deduce that Mrs Smalls'

would-be killer

presupposed her already dead when

she was transported by automobile.

Are you all right, Mr Dickinson?

Er... yeah. This is the first dead body

for me, so...

- And I drunk beers at my place.

- Yeah.

Other than the axe wound,

which, judging from the angle of entry,

came from a much shorter person,

possibly a female,

nothing here indicates

any sort of fisticuffs ever took place.

I can safely say that Mrs Smalls'

murderer can be found...

within this very room.

- What?

- Oh! Just a figure of speech!

What I mean to say is her body

will tell me who her killer is

after a more thorough examination.

However, I can hazard a name

right now.

Please do.

I'm sure it will come as no surprise

that her killer

is none other than...

...the Oregon Undertaker.

Well, we all could have figured

that out, Agent Hymes.

Indeed.

Everything's gonna be OK, sweetie.

Hey! So, er... I guess

I'll take Emily home.

Why don't you leave her here with me?

- Yah, but I can easily...

- Goodnight.

Wait! You're not

going anywhere, little lady!

Not without your coat.

- Would anyone care to say something?

- Just take me home.

No way! We've got a dead cop

to ditch first.

I don't care about the cop. I don't

even care about the money anymore.

I just wanna go home

and pretend this never happened.

Yeah, it hasn't exactly been

a run-of-the-mill night on the town.

All I wanted was to take care

of my family.

OK, Charlie, the sooner we dispose

of the deputy's body,

the sooner you can get started on your

pretend happily ever after.

Now how does that sound?

'You've reached Stu Garmen.

Speak after the beep...'

Sh*t!

Come on, sweetheart.

It's time to go home.

Oh, Charlie...

- You're sure he'll sink in there?

- Absolutely!

- You've done this before?

- Never.

Unrefined, unheated tar

has a viscosity grade of 250,000.

So what does that mean?

He won't sink?

He'll sink. It might take a week or so,

but he'll sink.

Well... we better get started then.

Hold it!

You followed us.

I figured it would be more expedient

than listening to bull pucky testimony.

I guess I was right, just like always.

- OK...

- Listen...

Agent Hymes, you let us go and there's

a million dollars with your name on it.

You're offering a Federal agent

a bribe?

- Yeah.

- Thanks, little lady.

Gus, come over here for a second,

would you?

Tell me I'm fat!

I was joking!

I wanna hear you tell the fat guy

how fat he is.

I was kidding, all right?

You might be a little on the heavy side

but it's nothing that a few centuries

jogging can't fix!

- Argh! Sonofabitch!

- I'm sorry, did that pinch?

All right, the official version is that

Gus here attacked me during an arrest.

- And I was defending myself...

- Stupid walrus... Argh!

The official version is that Gus tripped

and fell on his face during the arrest.

Ok, there's two million dollars in a bag

in the car. It's all yours, just take it.

Wow! Can you beat that?

One million just became two million.

And people said this economy

would never bounce back!

Argh!

- Shoot him in the f***ing eye!

- What? Shut up!

- Wait!

- Don't move!

- I know who you are.

- What?

I thought you looked familiar...

Fellas, your accomplice is Lucy Bloom,

AKA Lucy McJoseph,

AKA Josie McBroom.

- What are you talking about?

- You're the Wyoming Widow.

What?

Gentlemen, the Wyoming Widow's

MO is always the same.

She seduces an unsuspecting fellow,

she fornicates with him

and then she offers up

a little sip of whiskey.

The poor sucker never lives long enough

to realise that he also just drank

highly concentrated thallium.

You've been watching too many

soap operas, Agent Hymes!

You're not believing this crap, are you?

They say that she always keeps

her trusty flask on her person,

just in case the next bug

flies into her web.

Oh, come on! He's just making

this crap up to save his ass!

I could have sworn I felt one inside

of her coat pocket back at the station.

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