Big Nothing Page #6

Empty your pockets, Josie.

Charlie...

Holy sh*t!

You planted this in my coat

back at the station, didn't you?

No, I didn't. I swear to God!

This isn't mine.

- He is lying. He is lying!

- Take a drink.

- Oh...

- Take a sip, Josie.

There.

Are you ha...

- Josie?

- Oh, my God!

Oh, God! Josie!

Come on, spit it out!

- You are so pathetic!

- That was not funny.

You dumb shits! I told you he was just

trying to mess with us! F***! F***!

Jesus!

I think that belongs to Uncle Sam.

Now hold on.

We're on the same side here, Chester.

I'm an agent too.

- When the hell did you take that off me?

- Back at the station.

Listen, here's the thing, Gus -

there's a friend of mine,

an agent, one of the best.

He's been protecting the innocent

a long time now.

And, well...

he's gotten fed up

with working his ass off

for ungrateful morons

who call him fatty.

A pat on the back if things go right,

or the stars and stripes on his coffin

if they don't.

It just doesn't cut it anymore.

I have two million here.

Believe when I say

no one will ever claim it.

Tell your friend there's a million for him

and a million for me.

What about two million for him

and nothing for you.

Oh, come on, Chetty!

We're partners here.

You insult me, Gus.

You're not even a real criminal.

You're just a small-time crook

who got shot twice in the chest

resisting arrest.

Listen, I have a daughter, Thais...

Thais. That's Greek for 'Beloved'.

- You shot me.

- That's the first true thing you've said.

What took you so long?

Mummy...

It's all right, sweetheart.

Go back to sleep.

Wait! You know I can't eat

this much sugar.

You shouldn't do this.

- Like you shouldn't have killed Gus.

- Keep eating.

Gus was a backstabber.

He told me he was gonna kill you

and make off with the money.

That's why I killed him. I saved your life.

I'm telling you the truth!

agents can beat a lie detector.

Please... this isn't right, Charlie.

You know this isn't right.

- Your wife is an officer of the law.

- Shut up! Shut the f*** up!

Oh, God.

I don't wanna die!

I don't wanna die...

Please... Oh...

- God, we really did it, huh?

- What?

We really turned into monsters.

Oh, Charlie...

Oh, come on.

I say it was worth it.

Let's get the body in the car.

It's heavy enough to sink.

Wait...

There's still one passenger missing.

You said you wanted to pretend

none of this ever happened...

One sip of this... and you can kiss

all your worries goodbye.

- The Wyoming Widow?

- Yeah.

But I saw you drink it.

Never far from my trusty flasks!

- Brilliant.

- Yeah!

After all, I was Miss Teen Wyoming.

Now, Obviously I can't let you go

and risk having you report me

and, f***, two million does sound

a heck of a lot nicer than one million!

- You were right, Penny.

- What's that?

Penelope always said money

won't make you rich, I just...

I just didn't believe her.

You do seem like

a genuinely decent guy, Charlie.

- I'm real sorry I gotta do this.

- You don't have a choice, do you?

No, I don't. But you do.

You want me to shoot you

or you want to go for the whiskey?

What did Hymes say you used?

Concentrated thallium.

Much quicker than cyanide.

Any last words, Charlie?

Don't spend it all at one place.

What?

What? What?

What?

No! Oh!

What the f***?

Oh f***! Oh f***! F***!

'Charlie, Penelope

and Emily can't come to the phone.

'Please leave us a message.'

'This is a message for Charlie

Wood. My name is Samuel Koenig,

'I'm Senior VP of Barstow Publishing

Self Help Division here in Seattle.

'Listen, I'm calling in regards

to this book you sent us,

"'Build A Better Brain

And Beat The Big Nothing. "

'It seems to me like it's a no-brainer!

'Seriously, though,

we have an offer for you.

'We think you'll be happy with it.

'Please call me back

at your earliest convenience...'

- Hi.

- Hi. Where you headed?

- As far away from here as possible.

- That one we could do for you.

This must be my lucky day.

Er... let me just double-check

something.

- All set.

- All righty!

And... action.

Again.

Again.

And... again.

- Hi!

- Ah!

Thank you.

I got him!

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