Big Trouble
God said to Noah, "I am going
to put an end to all people
"for the Earth is filled
with violence because of them.
"You are to bring into the ark
two of all living creatures
to keep them alive with you. "
In other words, life is hard,
so you better find someone
who will be your partner.
Eliot Arnold's story
is a lot like Noah's,
except Eliot's story
takes place in miami.
You just can't beat these
when they're really fresh.
Anyway, Eliot should probably
tell you exactly what happened,
because I was locked in the trunk
of a police car for part of it.
my name's Puggy,
and I live in a tree.
I hope I didn't ruin anything
for you.
Man; I look at this ad,
and it doesn't say
"Fish Hook Ale" to me.
This sucks.
Bruce, what
I'm trying to do -
Do you know what
my business philosophy is?
No, Bruce,
what is it?
my business philosophy
is that there a lot of people
in the world.
That certainly
isn't -
And all these people
want something.
Do you know what they want?
Well, I -
They want to feel good.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, well, I -
No, you don't know
what I mean,
because I gave you
the perfect concept,
which is not
this piece of sh*t here!.
What the hell is this?!
Why are you saying "ugly"?!
I don't want to see ugly!.
That's not the feeling
I want!
Bruce,
W- What I'm doing here
is - is contrast
in a humorous fashion.
"Get hooked on Fish Hook" -
that's the concept!
You got a guy and a boat
and a girl.
The girl's in a bikini.
She has big tits.
They're on a boat, getting
shitfaced, drinking Fish Hook Ale.
The girl
has really big tits!
The feeling of this ad is
somebody's going to get laid.
It's perfect.
I gave you the perfect concept.
And you give me ugly?!
All right, all right,
Bruce, I'll try -
No, no. Don't tell me "try. "
I hate the word "try. "
"Try" is for losers.
Listen to me, you are not the
only ad agency in this town!
Eliot:
A year ago,I had a nice house,
a beautiful wife,
and a job I really loved.
Now I was being called a loser
by this guy.
For 18 years, I wrote a column
for The Miami Herald -
funny stories the higher-ups
referred to as "offbeat. "
Deeber wants
to see you.
Eliot:
Because I'd won two PulitzerPrizes for my offbeat stories,
I was pretty much left alone
of respect...
until Ken Deeber came.
- Eliot...
John Croton tells me you still
haven't turned anything in
on the day-care crisis.
Yeah, Ken, listen,
I figure with five people
already working
on the day-care crisis story,
our readers pretty much know
there's a crisis in day care.
- Eliot, you were given an assignment.
- I know that.
The pelican story?
Right.
No one else has it.
This old Cuban guy
is training pelicans -
To drop bombs
- the most asinine thing I ever heard.
Come on. He tried to
kill Castro with a bird!
Eliot, I gave you an
assignment, and you will do it.
Or what, Ken?
Well, if you want to continue
working at this newspaper,
you will put something
in here before you go home.
Why don't I put something
in there right now?
Eliot:
Deeber pickedthe wrong day to be a jerk.
Earlier that day,
I had found out
my wife was having an affair
with her tennis instructor.
In retrospect,
I should have written
the day-care crisis piece
and never opened
Eliot Arnold Advertising.
And if you think I'm gonna pay
for this stupid sh*t,
you can forget it!
I'm not paying for ugly!
I can get ugly for free!
It goes without saying,
Bruce.
Eliot.
Dad, I need to borrow
the Geo tonight.
Hello, Nigel.
How's London?
Nigel?
Foggy.
Ah, could you hold on, Nigel,
just for a moment?
This is a really important
call - long-distance.
Listen, I want to see it
tomorrow, and it better be right!
All right, Bruce. I think we
got it, uh, well on its way!
- Good!
Hey, matt, how you doing?
Dad, can w-we borrow the
stupid Geo tonight or not?
Because me and Andrew
have to kill a girl.
"Andrew and I
have to kill a girl. "
Thank you.
Yes, you can borrow
the Geo tonight,
but I need it back at my
apartment at, uh, 10:30, okay?
- Okay. - And I want you to
promise me that you'll drive -
...carefully.
Eliot:
matt wasn't mad at mebecause of the divorce.
He was mad
because I bought a Geo.
Sweet little vehicle.
Just get divorced?
Ah, it doesn't matter.
42 miles to the gallon,
am/fm radio.
I'll even throw in
the undercoating.
Anything else
you'd like to know?
Yeah. How many clowns
can it hold?
Eliot:
To matt, the Geo wasa 48-mile-per-gallon symbol
of my bad luck, wrong choices,
and missed opportunities.
Little did I know that my shot
at a second chance
had just arrived in miami
onboard Flight 57
from New Orleans.
The suitcase
was sandwiched between
a quarter-ton of frozen crawfish
and a dalmatian that gave birth
to a litter of 17
over Lake Okeechobee.
The dalmatian
made the evening news.
The suitcase didn't.
What is it?
It looks like
a garbage disposal.
So this is miami, huh?
They can keep it.
You got that right.
Eliot:
That's a Remington30-aught-6 hunting rifle
with a Bushnell scope.
Charlton Heston takes his
to shoot bighorn elk.
Henry Desalvo
and Leonard Ferroni
take theirs to shoot anyone,
as long as they're paid
25 grand apiece.
We play with a guy
that cheats.
Eliot:
Actually, Henry andLeonard didn't play golf at all.
Will you come on?
We've got an early tee time.
Eliot:
They were in miamito kill a man named Arthur Herk,
who had stolen money
from his employer.
Puggy arrived in miami
the same day as the hit men
and the suitcase,
but for a much different reason.
A week earlier,
at his place in Boston,
Puggy read an article
in Martha Stewart's Living
that said miami had some
of the finest Cuban restaurants
in the entire world.
Since Fritos
were his favorite food
and corn chips
as Puggy had ever eaten,
he decided to hop a fishing boat
and check it out.
Puggy could not have been
happier.
After only 20 minutes in miami,
Puggy was already thinking
that this had to be the warmest,
friendliest place on Earth.
You stink.
Beer and a bag of Fritos.
man on television:
She ran track for 10 years.
Woman on television:
She definitely has the legs...
Out.
I tell you once before,
you two, out!
Look, man, we got money,
and we'll take however
this much here will get us.
Ass-wipe.
Eliot:
Snake Dupreeand Eddie Leadbetter
had met two years earlier
at the state prison
just outside Louisville.
They hit it off immediately,
having similar tastes in humor.
Ass-wipe.
man on television: You know,
I don't know how long she's been
into strength conditioning.
But she's been into conditioning
for a long time
because she ran track for 10.
Woman on television: Listen to
the crowd. They are so into it.
Hey.
Is there a problem,
chief?
Give me that back.
Look, man,
this ain't your problem.
You are problem.
Out.
He broke my ankle.
- I break your head.
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"Big Trouble" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 22 Dec. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/big_trouble_4073>.
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