Big Trouble

God said to Noah, "I am going

to put an end to all people

"for the Earth is filled

with violence because of them.

"You are to bring into the ark

two of all living creatures

to keep them alive with you. "

In other words, life is hard,

so you better find someone

who will be your partner.

Eliot Arnold's story

is a lot like Noah's,

except Eliot's story

takes place in miami.

You just can't beat these

when they're really fresh.

Anyway, Eliot should probably

tell you exactly what happened,

because I was locked in the trunk

of a police car for part of it.

my name's Puggy,

and I live in a tree.

I hope I didn't ruin anything

for you.

Man; I look at this ad,

and it doesn't say

"Fish Hook Ale" to me.

This sucks.

Bruce, what

I'm trying to do -

Do you know what

my business philosophy is?

No, Bruce,

what is it?

my business philosophy

is that there a lot of people

in the world.

That certainly

isn't -

And all these people

want something.

Do you know what they want?

Well, I -

They want to feel good.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, well, I -

No, you don't know

what I mean,

because I gave you

the perfect concept,

which is not

this piece of sh*t here!.

What the hell is this?!

Why are you saying "ugly"?!

I don't want to see ugly!.

That's not the feeling

I want!

Bruce,

W- What I'm doing here

is - is contrast

in a humorous fashion.

"Get hooked on Fish Hook" -

that's the concept!

You got a guy and a boat

and a girl.

The girl's in a bikini.

She has big tits.

They're on a boat, getting

shitfaced, drinking Fish Hook Ale.

The girl

has really big tits!

The feeling of this ad is

somebody's going to get laid.

It's perfect.

I gave you the perfect concept.

And you give me ugly?!

All right, all right,

Bruce, I'll try -

No, no. Don't tell me "try. "

I hate the word "try. "

"Try" is for losers.

Listen to me, you are not the

only ad agency in this town!

Eliot:
A year ago,

I had a nice house,

a beautiful wife,

and a job I really loved.

Now I was being called a loser

by this guy.

For 18 years, I wrote a column

for The Miami Herald -

funny stories the higher-ups

referred to as "offbeat. "

Deeber wants

to see you.

Eliot:
Because I'd won two Pulitzer

Prizes for my offbeat stories,

I was pretty much left alone

and treated with a great deal

of respect...

until Ken Deeber came.

- Eliot...

John Croton tells me you still

haven't turned anything in

on the day-care crisis.

Yeah, Ken, listen,

I figure with five people

already working

on the day-care crisis story,

our readers pretty much know

there's a crisis in day care.

- Eliot, you were given an assignment.

- I know that.

The pelican story?

Right.

No one else has it.

This old Cuban guy

is training pelicans -

To drop bombs

- the most asinine thing I ever heard.

Come on. He tried to

kill Castro with a bird!

Eliot, I gave you an

assignment, and you will do it.

Or what, Ken?

Well, if you want to continue

working at this newspaper,

you will put something

in here before you go home.

Why don't I put something

in there right now?

Eliot:
Deeber picked

the wrong day to be a jerk.

Earlier that day,

I had found out

my wife was having an affair

with her tennis instructor.

In retrospect,

I should have written

the day-care crisis piece

and never opened

Eliot Arnold Advertising.

And if you think I'm gonna pay

for this stupid sh*t,

you can forget it!

I'm not paying for ugly!

I can get ugly for free!

It goes without saying,

Bruce.

Eliot.

Dad, I need to borrow

the Geo tonight.

Hello, Nigel.

How's London?

Nigel?

Foggy.

Ah, could you hold on, Nigel,

just for a moment?

This is a really important

call - long-distance.

Listen, I want to see it

tomorrow, and it better be right!

All right, Bruce. I think we

got it, uh, well on its way!

- Good!

Hey, matt, how you doing?

Dad, can w-we borrow the

stupid Geo tonight or not?

Because me and Andrew

have to kill a girl.

"Andrew and I

have to kill a girl. "

Thank you.

Yes, you can borrow

the Geo tonight,

but I need it back at my

apartment at, uh, 10:30, okay?

- Okay. - And I want you to

promise me that you'll drive -

...carefully.

Eliot:
matt wasn't mad at me

because of the divorce.

He was mad

because I bought a Geo.

Sweet little vehicle.

Just get divorced?

Ah, it doesn't matter.

42 miles to the gallon,

am/fm radio.

I'll even throw in

the undercoating.

Anything else

you'd like to know?

Yeah. How many clowns

can it hold?

Eliot:
To matt, the Geo was

a 48-mile-per-gallon symbol

of my bad luck, wrong choices,

and missed opportunities.

Little did I know that my shot

at a second chance

had just arrived in miami

onboard Flight 57

from New Orleans.

The suitcase

was sandwiched between

a quarter-ton of frozen crawfish

and a dalmatian that gave birth

to a litter of 17

over Lake Okeechobee.

The dalmatian

made the evening news.

The suitcase didn't.

What is it?

It looks like

a garbage disposal.

So this is miami, huh?

They can keep it.

You got that right.

Eliot:
That's a Remington

30-aught-6 hunting rifle

with a Bushnell scope.

Charlton Heston takes his

to shoot bighorn elk.

Henry Desalvo

and Leonard Ferroni

take theirs to shoot anyone,

as long as they're paid

25 grand apiece.

We play with a guy

that cheats.

Eliot:
Actually, Henry and

Leonard didn't play golf at all.

Will you come on?

We've got an early tee time.

Eliot:
They were in miami

to kill a man named Arthur Herk,

who had stolen money

from his employer.

Puggy arrived in miami

the same day as the hit men

and the suitcase,

but for a much different reason.

A week earlier,

at his place in Boston,

Puggy read an article

in Martha Stewart's Living

that said miami had some

of the finest Cuban restaurants

in the entire world.

Since Fritos

were his favorite food

and corn chips

as close to Cuban cuisine

as Puggy had ever eaten,

he decided to hop a fishing boat

and check it out.

Puggy could not have been

happier.

After only 20 minutes in miami,

Puggy was already thinking

that this had to be the warmest,

friendliest place on Earth.

You stink.

Beer and a bag of Fritos.

man on television:

She ran track for 10 years.

Woman on television:

She definitely has the legs...

Out.

I tell you once before,

you two, out!

Look, man, we got money,

and we'll take however

this much here will get us.

Ass-wipe.

Eliot:
Snake Dupree

and Eddie Leadbetter

had met two years earlier

at the state prison

just outside Louisville.

They hit it off immediately,

having similar tastes in humor.

Ass-wipe.

man on television: You know,

I don't know how long she's been

into strength conditioning.

But she's been into conditioning

for a long time

because she ran track for 10.

Woman on television: Listen to

the crowd. They are so into it.

Hey.

Is there a problem,

chief?

Give me that back.

Look, man,

this ain't your problem.

You are problem.

Out.

He broke my ankle.

- I break your head.

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