Big White Page #3

Synopsis: In the middle of Alaska, travel agent Paul Barnell is near bankruptcy. Desperate to help himself and his beloved, mentally ill wife Margaret, Paul discovers a dead body and passes it off as his missing brother Raymond, whose life is insured for up to $1,000,000. Everybody is duped, except for workaholic insurance investigator Ted Waters, who sets out to expose Paul, in hopes of being promoted out of Alaska. Meanwhile, two rookie hit men, Gary and Jimbo, discover Paul took 'their' body and kidnap Margaret, demanding the body back. Then, Raymond turns up alive, wanting in on the action...
Genre: Comedy, Crime, Drama
Director(s): Mark Mylod
Production: Echo Bridge
 
IMDB:
6.4
Metacritic:
31
Rotten Tomatoes:
30%
R
Year:
2005
100 min
79 Views


I'm sorry.

F***ing cocksuckers.

"As we previously stated

in the genetic history... "

I'm sick. I'm really, really sick, you know?

I know. "Tourette's Syndrome is not

easily diagnosed. No... "

F***, f***!

"... onset before the age of 18

and no genetic history... "

"Please reference

our previous discussions... "

"... concerning you claims for... "

"... OCD, ODD, ADHP... "

It's what's going down

at the beginning of the century.

Margaret!

But still in matters vegetable, animal

and mineral...

I am the very model of a modern

Major-General.

Margaret!

I know you don't like to talk about this.

But maybe it's not what

we think it is, you know?

Yeah, maybe it's not.

Maybe it's just stress.

Remember that cruise?

I saw you.

You were happy.

You were this sweet, happy person.

Kind and giving.

I'm sorry. I'm tired, you know.

They say you can't get it all of

a sudden, but I did. I really, really did.

I know. I know.

Well, I'll kill myself.

No, come on, that's nonsense!

- Then they'll see.

- No, that's nonsense talk. Come here.

No, come on now.

...marry someone normal.

You're the most normal girl I know.

I'm not crazy, Paul.

- There's something wrong with me.

- I know, sweetie.

And we're gonna find the best specialists

for what you have we can.

- Really?

- Yeah.

I know things are gonna turn around.

Call me cra... I got this feeling. I do.

But you have to leave everything

up to me, okay?

You leave everything up to me,

and you're gonna be okay. I promise.

Sh*t bag.

That's my girl.

Yeah, hi. This is Ted Watters

from Liberty Capital.

I was wondering if I could get a complete

credit workup on a Raymond Barnell

and a Paul Barnell, as well.

Yes, I will hold.

You start the month ends yet?

Oh, can you take care of that for me?

I'm kinda working on something here, Cam.

Oh, God. You're not still

on the Barnell thing, are you?

I went to go see him.

And? And?

So, trust me, something's not right.

I can smell it. Just help me buy a week.

We're gonna get in such trouble.

Okay, from now on, you can come along

with me on everything.

No more Cam goes to the coffee room

and Ted disappears for three hours?

I'll try, yeah.

And you'll work on your interpersonal skills?

- Yes.

- Good.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'll go start covering your ass.

Oh, hi. Yeah, sorry.

Are all these yours?

Greatest sport on earth.

Moved to a compound bow two years ago.

Arthritis. Less draw weight.

Tea okay?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. Thank you.

I was just wondering, did you happen

to talk to Raymond when he got back?

Only saw him the once.

Never spoke to him.

Waved to him.

You waved?

He was clearing my driveway.

Raymond was a real hellcat

when he was younger.

But like they say,

time mellows even the hardest soul.

Was he much of an outdoo

rsman or ahiker or...?

I thought it was Paul at first.

Have you talked to Paul's wife?

Now there's a story.

Not that I'm much of a one for gossip,

but I think that...

I'm sorry. Did you say you thought it

was Paul that did your driveway?

Okay. It turns out that Mr. Barnell

is mortgaged to the nuts.

His business is about one step away

from Chapter 11.

Plus, it's like his brother Raymond

never even existed.

There's no credit history,

there's no nothing for the last five years.

Plus the only thing he did

after his recent reappearance...

was get some new ID and a new credit

card, but he didn't charge anything.

Less than nothing.

- Okay, well, it's something.

- No, it's not.

- Yes, it is.

- No, it's not.

Claims, Watters.

This is personal.

I promise.

Mr. Barnell, your ears must have been

burning. I was just...

Oh, yeah, sure, yeah.

What time?

Why is God, who is a loving God,

capable of such things?

When someone is taken from us at such

a young age, we often ourselves why.

Bullshit.

What possible purpose could this serve?

But I believe the Apostle Paul,

writing to the Ephesians,

said it best when he said

"All things are done according to God's will. "

Nun banger.

Doggies!

Raymond Barnell, Barnell's Travel.

We should have seen it earlier.

We should have checked the funeral

announcements right away.

Mr. Barnell, there was really no hurry

on this. I mean...

we could've waited until later.

We just wrapped up.

This is my wife, Margaret.

Sweetheart, why don't you go

sit in the car and warm up, okay?

Okey dokey, Smokey.

She's been under a lot of stress lately.

I notice the media's here.

They really don't give people

a moment's peace, do they?

I called them.

Really?

They wanted to talk to me about Raymond,

and I thought now would be

an appropriate time.

And youll just happen to mention

your heartless insurance company

that hasn't paid off your policy yet.

I had to borrow money to pay

for this coffin, Mr. Ted.

Well, you're breaking

my heart, Mr. Barnell.

I doubt that.

They asked to see some personal

photos of Raymond.

Guess this is gonna be a really big story.

Maybe if we walked over there together

and you told them how deeply moved

you were by this tragedy.

Enjoy your press conference, Mr. Barnell.

Raymond left us this shell.

It's all we have to remember him by, really.

Hello, little Bambi.

Where's your mommy?

Getting it from some ten-point buck.

Yes, she is.

She is...

Stay away from our f***ing appliances!

Okay, lady, let's just stay calm.

Sorry.

Son of a b*tch.

You are in so much trouble!

Lady, so help me...

Let's go again. Let's go... again.

Okay, sir...

In the house!

So you're a souvenir wholesaler?

For the cruise ship trade, mostly.

Usual stuff... stuffed animals.

You got your huskies, your moose

your baby seals... your bears, your...

Is that where they came in?

Yeah, through that big hole in the roof.

I got a list of all

the things that are missing.

How much?

We figure about two hundred grand.

Plus fixing the roof.

Fax over an estimate and we'll have

you a check by Friday.

Ted? Maybe we should take

a look at the irinventory list first.

This is a simple case.

Bad guys stole stuff.

Let's just clear it and get going, okay?

I should tell you, we also had some

VCRs we were holding for another company.

That could run another couple grand.

Wanna wrap this up, Cam?

Gotta go primary sometime!

You try to rape me,

I swear to Christ, I'll bite it off.

Hey, what's going on?

- Don't ask!

- What the hell happened to your face?

Jesus, you look like you ran into...

So what now, you gonna get me

smoking from both ends?

I just came here to look around

and she started hitting me

and yelling at me.

Oh, please.

Is this how you solve our problem?

I didn't have any choice.

Just listen to me, okay?

Yeah, listen. If the fat from your neck

hasn't stopped up your ears.

- Where would we stash her? Your place?

- No, it's too small.

Plus, we'd have to get her in

and out without anyone seeing.

And I've seen that sty

you call an apartment.

You see, it's a bad idea.

They got a whirlpool tub.

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Collin Friesen

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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