Bill Page #3

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Strapping lads,

like my sons would have been.

The plague.

Let's have a look.

What have we got here?

OK. Ours is not to judge prior...

What's this?

- It's for making peo...

- Gazpacho.

It's for making gazpacho.

It's a... cold soup.

It's very nice.

Well, everything seems to be in order.

Enjoy your stay.

Psst. Sir.

- King Philip ll of Spain?

- Yes.

Oh. Very clever.

- Morning.

- Walsingham.

- I thought you were dead.

- Don't believe everything you read.

- I can't read.

- Good.

- Any survivors?

- No, sir.

Whoever it was did a thorough job.

We did get one of theirs, sir.

No idea who they are.

Catholics.

The game is afoot.

This is heavy.

Wait. That might be our man.

The weather in London is

unseasonably cold for this time of year.

But the mynah bird must wait until winter

before its song can be heard.

What the hell does that mean?

Honestly, you try and start

a conversation with someone...

The weather in London is

unseasonably cold for the time of year.

- Are you the secret Catholic contact?

- Er... Yes.

No. Um...

- Yes.

- OK, let's go.

- Right, yes. This way, Your Majesty.

- Come.

Ow.

You're kidding, right?

This is the biggest

Protestant church in England.

Last place you'd look for

a Catholic hideout, Your Majesty, yes.

- Hide in plain sight.

- Ha-ha.

Yes, I like this guy. He's got cojones.

Come along, come along. This way.

Sorry. Sssh.

Over here.

Your Majesty,

I think you'll find everything you need.

Jesus Christ.

Sorry.

My sweet angel.

Greetings from that London.

I am delighted to report

that despite your slight doubts,

my dreams of success

are coming to fruition.

Sorry. Trousers stolen in the night.

Very much not my fault.

I have secured a challenging role

performing daily

with renowned dramatist

Christopher Marlowe.

I greatly regret the terms

on which we parted

and look forward to your reply,

as reading it would provide

a welcome distraction

from my tireless schedule

of rehearsals, performances and...

Oh, no.

Daddy!

- Daddy!

' Hey, guys!

- Wh... What are you doing here?

- I brought the kids to see Daddy.

- And what's Daddy dressed as?

- A tomato.

Mm-hm.

And can we think of any plays

that a tomato might be in?

- Gosh, well, there's...

- Look, kids.

- A human statue.

- No, he's... dead.

Oh, look. A juggler.

Go and have a look. Go on.

- Wow.

- So this is it, is it?

- This is your big, challenging role?

- OK, I admit I'm not on the stage yet.

But I'm making inroads.

If I work really hard,

I could be the next Christopher Marlowe.

Oh, this is Christopher Marlowe.

Chris, Anne. Anne, Chris.

- Hello.

- I'm staying with Aunt Jane.

Have them back by three.

Anne, please, give me a chance.

Enter our hero. Let's call him Hero.

Erm... Blah, blah, blah...

Oh, God. Writing's hard.

That poor sexy woman.

Hello, my dear.

Going somewhere?

Here, look. Ring and ting.

- Get away from me!

- Unhand that beautiful woman, sir!

What's the matter with you? Cowards?

Get him.

Yeah.

Aaaah!

Oh.

Bit embarrassing.

Let that be a lesson to you.

Good God. Are you all right?

It's quite hard to tell.

I mean, it's deep, but it hasn't gone...

- Oh, right.

- Thank you.

Quickly. Poor people are easily startled,

but they'll soon be back.

And in greater numbers. Come.

Aaargh!

- Don't dawdle, Ian.

- I'll be right with you.

He's had lunch.

And I take his throat out. Nnnyh!

And the blood is...

It's everywhere. It's on the walls,

it's on the architraves, on the rugs.

And the Queen, she tries to get away,

but she can't run because

she's slipping in all of the blood.

So I grab her by the hair

and I pull her round to look at me

and I say, "Knock, knock! Lope's here!"

And she's like, "Oh, no!"

And I go, "Shut up!"

And I put my thumbs

right into her eyes and when I let go,

the eyes, they plop out

and drop down onto the cheeks.

And so I pick up the eyes

and I look at them with my eyes and I go,

"Ahh! Do you like that, lady, huh?

Do you like that?"

- OK.

- Yeah.

Thank you for that, Lope. It's very nice.

- Let's call that plan J. Hm?

- Plan J.

OK.

Sorry. Do you want to...?

- Oh.

- Hm.

The problem with it is, because of

the unfortunate incident on the beach...

the authorities are now on high alert

The issue is now not how we kill the Queen

but getting close enough to do it.

Boss, I have an idea.

Does it involve you dressing up as a lady?

- Well, yes.

- OK, any other ideas in the room?

No, no, please, please.

Listen.

We need to find a way to get us all inside

the palace without raising suspicion.

The play's the thing.

Yes, that's it.

We must find this Earl of Croydon...

for his play is our Trojan horse.

Any questions?

Please come in, relax.

Welcome to my humble abode.

- I really don't think this is necessary.

- No, no, it's no trouble at all.

- You're in deep shock.

- Actually, I don't think I am.

Yeah, that's one of the symptoms.

Ian, would you fetch the lady

some brandy, please?

- Brandy.

- And nibbles. Fetch some nibbles.

Oh.

So...

- Erm... ls there somewhere I could...?

- Oh, yes, of course.

Just up the stairs, second on the left.

Ian, whoever that is, I'm out!

Gentlemen. How may I...

Right.

Seriously, Lope,

what is wrong with you? Hm?

- What?

- Is this about your dad?

- Ian, who was it?

- Some handsome men.

Who the hell are you?

King Philip ll of Spain.

Oh.

Oh, God. Not now.

- Anyway, how are you?

- Don't worry.

If I wanted to kill you,

you'd be dead already.

What is this, some son of Catholic plot?

A Catholic plot?

No, no, no. I assure you,

there is no conspiracy here.

No, no, no. It's just that things

between me and your beautiful Queen...

"they have been

a little bit... difficult.

So, I was thinking.

How can I demonstrate that our two nations

can work together, in harmony?

A half-and-half flag cake?

It's a cake, obviously.

Half of it looks like the English flag.

- Imagine...

- The other...

"this great play of yours ends.

People are applauding,

they are cheering.

Then you step forward and you say,

"Your Majesty, surprise.

'This play has been a collaboration

with our Spanish friends."

She cries. She hugs you.

She gives you Devon.

- I do like Devon.

- Who doesn't?

Together... we shall put on a play

that will go down in history...

- Wait a minute. ls this it?

- Yeah, well, it's not quite finished.

Not quite finished?

It's, what, three pages?

It's been a bit of a struggle

if I'm honest.

You're telling me.

"Hello. I'm a man in a play."

"I am a woman also in a play."

- Talk about clunky exposition.

- Well, what do you expect me to do?

Stumble across some unsuspecting

young writer with a completed play,

hoodwink him, steal his work

and pass it off as my own?

Oh. I'm sorry.

I didn't realise you had visitors.

Oh, Anne,

this is erm...

- Geoff... Smith.

- Yes.

A theatrical impresario.

And these are the...

Cockney Players of Bow.

- All right?

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