Bill Page #4

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- London Town.

Down the rub-a-dub.

You see,

I'm putting on a play for the Queen.

If you can find one, mate.

- I'll find one, mate.

- Well, you better had.

My husband's written a play.

Can you spare a moment

to talk about vegetables at all?

- No.

- They're really good for you and...

Hey. What are you doing?

This is a meat market, mate.

This is our patch,

not some son of vegetable pa...

Surely there's room enough for...

There some son of problem here,

Leslie?

No, no. No problem.

Just a salad that needs addressing.

Ups-a-daisy.

Here, you can't just walk around

pushing people about.

What, like that?

Take your veg and stick it!

- All right.

- Sorry, mate.

Had a bad day. Fancy a spot of lunch?

We'll get something light.

Phil Shakespeare?

Bring out your dead!

Marlowe.

Bring out your dead!

Who's dead?

Walsingham.

- I thought you were dead.

- I'm as alive as the next man.

Just... hiding in plain sight.

In these troubled times, a truly...

- It's a pretty good yield.

- Yeah, it's been a good day today.

- Any more dead?

- Anyway, down to business.

I need some information.

No, I'm out of the spying game,

I told you. I'm now a credible artiste.

There's been a dip in writing work.

- The cucumber's for the dip.

- Makes sense.

Well, spy or no spy, I would ask you

to keep your ear to the ground

for any signs of a Catholic plot.

- Well, like what?

- Well, I don't know.

Er... Priest holes, candles,

massive Marys...

big pictures of the Pope.

If you see anything,

you can contact me

through the pie stall in the marketplace.

Until next time, then,

I'll bid you... adieu.

- Your Majesty.

- Hm.

Familiarize yourself with this.

- "Thou shalt be king."

- Don't be nervous.

Same for you, Mick.

- I have lady pads.

- Erm...

- I have the lady pads?

- Oh, yes, I see.

Erm... Yeah,

you're playing both female roles.

OK! Suit the action to the word

and the word to the action.

Oh, and speak the speech

as I pronounced it to you,

because some of you

have slightly weird accents.

All-day breakfast. Fish and chips.

Good. Well...

Best of luck, guys. Break a leg.

No problem.

- Nibbles?

- No.

Presenting a bold new work

for the stage by Bill Shakespeare.

Two men who look the same

But have a different aim

It's a series of funny misunderstandings

Two twins each with a lover

Who mistake each for the other

Somehow fall into the service

of a mad king

Take this letter

Wait, there's two

And they mix up which goes to who

The comic complications keep expanding

In a tale so confused

You can't help but be amused

By this series

of funny misunderstandings

A jilted bride

That's not funny

- Pretend she died?

- On the money!

And her poisoned body's

hidden by a monk

Until a fool who's quite smart

He's a fool, that's a start

This monk is nuts

And locks him in a trunk

And his servant, make him thick

Then hit him with a stick

It's a series of funny misunderstandings

Cue a mixed-up wedding blessing

Further vexed by more cross-dressing

Which goes on to heal

two families at war

When the bride they thought was dead

comes back with a donkey's head

But marries anyway because her groom

Has been drugged by a whore!

Add a priest, add a lion,

add a wrangle over money

It's too much I'm confused

Yes, that's what makes it funny

Severed heads, star-crossed lovers

English kings, evil mothers

With a big happy ending

notwithstanding

We think you'll agree

this has turned out to be

A series of

Funny misunderstandings!

Oh, God, I'm dead.

I heard about the play.

Sorry, mate.

Why are you dressed as a sausage?

I got turned.

Playing for the other team now.

Well, if they need a spare rib,

put a word in.

- Looks like I need a change of career.

- Oh, come on, Bill.

I'm sure it's not all that bad.

You know, sometimes these things,

they seem worse than they actually... are.

Oh, no. Why would you...?

Where's all the...?

What the hell's that?

Dance moves.

I'm not a writer, am I?

Just a fad.

Right, first things first -

write what you know.

OK?

Well, get a quill.

And ales.

You've just got to take in everything

around you. Take in all your surroundings.

' Yes!

' Yes!

- Ow!

- This is not a library.

His Lordship sent me

for Mr Shakespeare's play.

- Oh, well, there you go.

- I'll deal with this.

Mr Shakespeare works for coin,

which I don't see any... of.

His Lordship said he'd pay

Mr Shakespeare when he saw him next.

Don't give me that old chuff.

You know how this works.

- No money, no funny.

- All right.

Don't stab the messenger... please.

You tell Mr Croydon that Mr Shakespeare

will meet him tonight.

Somewhere neutral.

The Bull's Inn, Deptford.

It's quite safe. He brings the money,

he gets the script.

- I'll tell him.

- Good.

And I'll tell your mum... who isn't here.

- Needs work.

- Yeah, it does, doesn't it?

You'll be fine. Just stick to your guns.

50 pounds, not a farthing less.

- Got it.

- Bill.

- I think you've got something.

- What, from the river?

No. I mean...

talent.

It's a little rough, sure,

but... it's there.

So, I am a writer?

Not yet. This...

I can teach you.

Only you can find this.

A nipple?

We'll work on it.

Thanks, Chris.

Thanks.

Bill, you forgot the play!

Sorry. I...

Oh, no.

Christopher Marlowe.

How nice to see you again.

It would seem your world

has been turned upside down.

Which is funny,

because you are the wrong way up.

Look, I know

I missed a few payments, but...

Ssssh'.!

Honestly, you writers.

You are all the same.

We lend you money to buy little house.

You now have little house.

You pay back money.

Absolutely, and I will.

Overdue payments may result

in increased interest rates,

recovery action and forfeiture

of life and limb/limbs.

Terms and conditions apply.

- Small print?

- Not really.

Although, admittedly, it is in Russian.

Perhaps we were not clear

what happens to people who are late twice.

This is a late customer.

- Urgh!

- Which is funny because he is dead.

In order to avoid

further inconvenience,

we now require you to pay full amount.

50 English cash pounds

by this time tomorrow.

50? Where the hell

am I supposed to find 50... pounds?

50 pounds by tomorrow.

Or we have to buy another trunk.

Ooh. Got you these.

Some son of rose. I forget the name.

I've got news.

Keep them closed.

OK?

Open them.

- I've sold my play.

- Wow.

To an earl.

Earl of Croydon.

- It's near Penge.

- Penge, yeah.

And they're putting it on for the Queen.

Not here. At the palace.

This was just, you know...

- For the drama.

- Yeah.

But it's good, Anne.

- Imagine it.

- Where...?

Get down from there.

The Rose Theatre is delighted

to present a play by Bill Shakespeare!

Listen.

I know I haven't

always made things... easy.

But it really feels like

things are looking up for me.

For us.

And you said I'd never make it.

- What?

- "Go and be a butcher," you said.

"Don't go to London," you said.

Well, look at me now.

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