Bill Page #5

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Hang on a minute.

I've always supported you.

Well, yes and no.

- I mean, up to a point, but...

- Up to a point?

Well, let's face it, here I am, in London,

about to perform my play for the Queen.

And who's that down to?

Yours truly.

Number 1A, Me Avenue.

- It was me, you idiot.

- What?

- I told Croydon about your play.

- What? When?

- The other day, at his house.

- At his house, were you?

- Not like that. He picked me up.

- Did he, now?

- I was trying to help you.

- Well, I don't need your help.

Well, that's a bit of luck, isn't it?

Because you're not gonna get it again.

- I'm going back to Stratford.

- Fine.

One day you'll realise what you just lost.

I hope it was all worth it.

No, one day you'll realise what you lost,

when I'm up here.

When I'm up here.

Saying things in a shod, snappy way

instead of a long, drawn-out way

is the soul of wit.

Ooh. Someone's been in the wars.

Yes, I...

- What are you doing in a pie?

- It's a disguise.

Or one might say a dis-pies.

Now, that works in three ways.

One, it's a disguise.

Two, the disguise is pies.

And three, it's got

the word "spies" in it, so...

- It's very clever.

- Mm.

What did you want?

- Well, you know Catholic plots?

- Does the Pope wear a silly hat?

I think I may have found one.

He rents a room

above The Quill and Rapier.

Well, you'll see for yourself.

He's turned it into

some sort of Catholic shrine.

What them?

I'm being framed.

- Left, right, left...

- Come on, lads.

Chris?

Left, right, left...

Mr Shakespeare, I presume.

You, my friend,

are going straight to he... Aargh!

Left, right, left, right...

After him, you fools!

Right!

Can everyone please stop arriving?

- Where's the money?

- Where's Shakespeare?

He's... tied up. I'm... his agent.

Play first.

What the hell's this?

Your change, sir.

' Urgh! Aargh!

A pleasure doing business with you.

Why?

Er... Cheaper.

- King Philip ll of Spain.

- Sssh.

It's a secret, you see.

This play you have

kindly provided me with...

I'm going to use it to kill the Queen.

A Catholic plot. You fiend!

Don't be like that.

Oh, don't take it out. Don't take it out.

It won't hurt if I do it quickly.

It's a bit like erm...

Do you do your eyebrows?

- No.

- OK. Well, it's a little bit like that.

Aargh!

Bill...

Chris, I'm gonna kill you!

Join the club, mate.

- Oh, my God.

- No, it's a scratch. It's just a scratch.

It's nothing.

Actually, that is quite bad, isn't it?

Chris?

I betrayed you.

I needed the play, the money.

- I'm in terrible debt.

- This was over a debt?

No, no. This was... Catholics.

- Catholics?

- Croydon's company.

- They're Spanish agents.

- The Cockney Players?

- But they're from Bow.

- No.

Mark me, they plan to use our play

to somehow kill the Queen.

You must go to the pie stall

in the marketplace.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What are you doing?

Oh, sorry. Did you want that?

Want it? He isn't dead.

Well, not quite. But I knock off in five,

and realistically...

Go away!

Right, you see her? Well, your mum...

- For God's sake, not now, Chris.

- Yes, yes, the plot.

You must find Walsingham.

Go to the pie stall in the marketplace

and say these code words.

Saying things in a shod, snappy way...

soul of wit.

You mean "brevity".

Er... Yeah.

But say it my way.

And Walsingham

will deal with the Spanish.

Avenge me, my friend...

for now I go... and it is done.

The bell invites me.

One more thing.

The... the script I gave them, it's...

It...

So wise, so young...

they say do never live long.

Seriously?

Well, Your Majesty, we have our play.

Cheers.

We'll stop for nibbles.

Yes, I don't want to worry you,

but this reads a lot

like a Russian loan agreement.

Why, that double-crossing little...

Furs!

Get your lovely furs!

High fashion furs!

High fashion...

Saying things

in a shod, snappy way inst...

- Oh, no.

- Oh, yes.

King Philip ll of Spain.

- Where is the play?

- I don't know.

You'd better tell me...

or I will let Lope here

loose with his device.

You don't wanna know

where this bit goes.

So, you'd better tell me...

- In your bum.

- Don't actually say it.

Why are you saying it? It's more

dramatic if you don't say it. I... What?

OK.

Listen, as far as I knew,

you had the play.

- I don't know where he's put it.

- Then you will write me a new play.

Without Chris, that's impossible.

Nothing is impossible,

Mr Shakespeare.

Given the proper motivation.

- Anne.

- That's right.

We have Jan.

It's Anne.

Is it? Oh.

- Why?

- Because the Queen needs a play

and I'm not about to let her down.

But he's gonna kill the Queen, you idiot!

I think you mean surprise the Queen.

- Right?

- Well, it's kind of a surprise.

Oh!

Oh, you villainous snake.

As a loyal peer and patriot,

I would never betray the sovereign power.

- You still get Devon.

- Very much back on board.

So, you write me a new play...

"otherwise, it's "Adios, seora."

- It's...?

- It's Spanish for "Goodbye, lady."

It means I'm going to kill her.

Look, you wrote play before.

Write it again.

I thought you were playwright.

Well, you thought wrong.

I can't do this, not on my own.

I hope that is not true. For your sake.

Bill.

What an thou?

By heaven I charge thee, speak.

Hello.

Erm... Hello.

You're not here.

You're just a tired mind

playing tricks.

I'm a friend when you need one.

Question not my coming.

So you've come to help me? With the play?

I can no more lift a quill

than I can tip this cup.

That was a coincidence.

The point is, I cannot give you help.

You don't need it.

I've got nothing here.

No characters, no story.

No story?

No story in the time we've shared?

Of the hand that fate has dealt you

these days past?

Tales of betrayal, plotting kings,

the death of a friend.

Such twists and turns

as would shame any fiction.

Write what you know.

I can do this.

I can do this.

No, no, no. Wait, wait.

That's just the story.

What of the words?

It's a hit.

A palpable hit.

So my wife can go.

But you haven't finished yet.

I have some notes.

Number one, we lose this.

It's your play now.

And number two,

the end could be a little more...

How shall I say?

Explosive.

Hooray!

Sssh .

Hooray.

Hm.

Gather round. So, here's the plan.

You wit! stack the gunpowder

behind the stage during the first act.

Juan will then light the fuse

when he hears Ramon -

who plays witch number three -

say the line:

Thou shalt be king hereafter.

Hope you like bombs.

I shall then make my excuses

and sneak out

while you exit through the kitchen.

Gotta go now. Bye.

And Mr Shakespeare

will be coming with us

to witness the final act

in his little drama,

where we will quite literally

bring the house down.

Come on. It's a theatre joke.

Gentlemen, to the palace!

OK. Left a bit, John.

Left. My left!

Right. And let it go.

Gemma!

Big day today, obviously.

Security level

has been set at dark woad,

which I believe is this one?

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