Bill Page #6

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Erm... Hello? Excuse me?

Where are you going?

We're the

Cockney Players of Bow, me old plate.

- Yeah.

- The actors, yes.

Yeah, I'm looking forward to that.

I used to do a turn myself.

I don't know if you've ever heard

of The Sticky Players?

Oh... Magic days.

Anyway, just follow the path

and you'll get to the front gate.

Hang on. What are those barrels about?

Er...

Well, there's a Cockney song,

in't there, mate,

where we roll 'em out.

Roll out the barrels, mate

We'll give you some barrels of fun

- Yeah, mate.

Where's he coming from?

Very good.

Well, off you trot, then.

Cheeky.

Right, drapes. Gemma!

Classic.

King Philip ll of Spain.

- King Philip ll of Spain.

- Of Spain.

Sorry.

Her most excellent Majesty...

by the grace of God, Elizabeth...

Queen of England...

France and Ireland.

Defender of the Faith.

- Most improved monarch '92 to...

- Let's assume he knows who I am.

Your Majesty, it is a very great honour

to be invited to your fine country,

which I just got to this morning.

I came straight here.

No funny business.

- Whoa! Talk about boat-lagged.

- Philip.

It is our greatest hope

that this summit shall pave the way

to lasting peace

between our two great nations.

Right, come on,

let's get this over with.

First we eat, and before you ask,

the Soup's sewed hot.

Ah, come off it.

Then we watch Crawley's new play

and finally we discuss

the release of Hawkins.

Who?

Hello!

Oh, yes, him, the reason I'm here. Ha-ha!

Mind like a gauze. It's terrible.

Yeah, that's him.

Oh. And one of 'em said something

about a pie stall.

What about the voice?

Is it convincing?

Gabriel... I don't care.

You then chop up the tomatoes, you cook

the onions, but then you leave it a bit...

OK.

Burghley.

I like what you've done with this. Huh?

Two beards in one. Very nice.

Whoa. Better make it a good one.

The wife's in.

Oh! Didn't I mention?

It seems Devon comes with a duchess.

Well, he may be

a crazed religious extremist,

but this Shakespeare is smart

And a truly smart man knows...

you hide in plain sight!

Ladies and gentlemen...

Your Majesties,

I'm delighted to present

for your entertainment

a new tragedy...

comedy/drama/history play,

written by and co-starring

the Earl of Croydon.

That's me. Croydon.

Oh, for a muse of fire...

that would ascend

the brightest heaven of invention,

a kingdom for a stage, princes to act

and monarchs

to behold this swelling scene.

Did you see? Did you see?

I was just... They were...

lam so going to hell.

Evening.

- You set me free.

- No, you set me free.

Let's go.

Where are you going?

We have to save Anne, stop the plot.

- Are you crazy in the coconut?

- What's a coconut?

Well, my Catholic friends,

you have led me a merry dance.

But now it would seem

that I have the upper hand!

Aaargh!

- I won't leave her, not again.

- Well, then, you are on your own.

May God be with you, my friend.

'Tis... enough.

Bit of a rewrite.

"A Play for Her Majesty"?

Ha!

Hark.

By the pricking of my thumbs,

oh, something wicked this way comes.

Witches...

Witches! OK.

Scared.

How now,

you secret, black and midnight hags.

Hail to thee, the Thane of Glamis.

Hail to thee, the Thane of Cawdor.

Hail to thee, for thou shalt be king.

- Mark me.

- What the hell?

- What the hell?

- What the hell?

I could a tale unfold

whose lightest word

would harrow up thy soul,

freeze thy blood, make thine eyes

like stars start from their spheres.

A foul and most unnatural murder.

Marlowe?

That I now avenge!

Shakespeare!

That's him!

- Ooh. A cameo.

- The Catholic's mine!

Listen, you've got the wrong man!

That's what a Catholic traitor

would say.

This is what's known

as breaking the fourth wall.

Ooh!

Sword fight?

Sword fight, sword fight...

Wait! He's not the Catholic.

We are the Catholics.

Me amigos, plan J.

Actually, you know what?

I've gotta go

to the little kings' room.

OK. Excuse me.

It's seafood. King coming through.

Make a hole.

Goodbye, Queen.

Yeah.

Come on, there's another one...

Oh, villain, villain,

smiling, damned villain.

Uh...

All the world's a stage...

and all the men... and women...

merely players.

They have their exits and entrances...

and one man in his time

plays many pads.

Take this man.

Hath he not played the pan of Patron?

Patriot?

Traitor?

Thief!

Who would rob a scribe of his words...

a man of his wife...

a land... of its queen!

Your Majesty, hell is empty.

All the devils are here.

Aren't they, Phil?

Ah...

Ha-ha-ha.

You think you're so clever,

don't you? Hm?

With your hair and your face.

Well, this changes nothing.

We may leave now

this damp, fetid bog of a country.

All right, mate.

But know this.

I will return,

and my revenge... will have no bounds.

I shall do such things.

What they are yet, I know not.

But they shall be

the terrors of the earth.

And we're going to bring an horse.

But it's not a normal horse. Oh, no.

It's a ginormous horse

and it will confuse you.

- But that's the point of the horse.

- What is wrong with you?

What is actually wrong with you?

You are broken in the head.

It is not a real horse!

- It is not a real horse?

- It is not a real horse.

- What is it?

- It is a wooden horse.

What is so hard to...

I arrest thee of capital treason

'gainst the Queen and crown, Crawley.

It's not Crawley. It's...

Oh, I give up.

A head filled with such fine words.

Almost a pity to put a spike up it.

He didn't write the play.

- Your Majesty.

- Then who did... girl?

Bill.

William Shakespeare.

My husband.

Well, well, Mr Shakespeare.

Is there no end to your talents?

I may unmask these devils, ma'am,

yet still I cast myself among them.

For though I share not

the nature of their crimes,

I too sinned, as a demon might...

when I cast aside an angel.

Shall I compare thee

to a summer's day?

Thou an more lovely and more temperate.

Rough winds do shake

the darling buds of May.

- And summer's lease...

- Stop talking.

Mr Shakespeare.

You may kiss my hand.

I may not be long for this world.

But I am most grateful

to see a few more dawns.

Thank you.

Southampton!

- Hello, love.

- Is your money room still bulging?

Oh, it's positively out of hand, darling.

I've had to knock a wall through.

Then see to it that this loyal subject

finds himself well financed.

Your Majesty.

Well, we shall be hearing much more

from you, won't we, Shakespeare?

Yes, Your Majesty. I have a few ideas.

Excellent.

Though maybe one at a time, eh?

Cos that was a bit dense.

Well, then...

all's well that ends well.

Time for some music, methinks.

Ladies and gentlemen...

I give you Modal Coil!

It's a full house, Bill.

Have you settled on a title?

How about

A Series of Comedy Errors?

That's... getting there.

- Ow.

- There.

- All done.

- Well, what do you think?

Is the world ready for Shakespeare?

This...

No, sorry. I still don't get it.

Any last words?

Yeah. Don't get involved in the ads.

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