Bill Burr: Let It Go

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[quirky rock music]

[cheers and applause]

ALL RIGHT.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT HERE.

OKAY, OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.

OKAY, I DIDN'T CURE ANYTHING.

JESUS CHRIST.

[laughter]

[bleep] LIFETIME ACHIEVEMEN AWARD OUT HERE.

[laughter]

[laughs]

I...I HAVE BEEN ON THE ROAD

FOR THE LAST FIVE MONTHS.

I DON'T KNOW, MAN.

I'M JUST REALLY THINKING THE

WORST OF PEOPLE.

[laughter]

I REALLY AM.

YOU SHOULD SEE SOME OF THE

ANIMALS--SOME OF THE ANIMALS I

SEE.

LIKE, I WAS IN THE AIRPORT THE

OTHER DAY, RIGHT?

I'M SITTING THERE WAITING FOR MY

FLIGHT TO TAKE MY LIFE AND

WATCHING THIS--WATCHING

THIS LADY.

SHE'S EATING EGG MCMUFFINS,

LIKE, PLURAL, AND JUST THREW,

LIKE, THREE OF THEM RIGHT DOWN

HER THROAT LIKE A PELICAN.

JUST, LIKE, RIGHT DOWN HER

GULLET.

AND WHEN SHE WAS DONE, SHE WIPED

HER FACE WITH THE BAG.

[laughter]

AHH, WITH THE BAG, NOT EVEN

LIKE A GENTLEMAN.

LIKE, "OH, I'LL JUST DO THE

CORNERS," AND, "AHHHH."

THEN SHE JUST KIND OF

STRAIGHT-RAZOR SHAVED.

JUST AN ABSOLUTE ANIMAL.

I SAW THIS OTHER DUDE.

HE WAS SO OUT OF SHAPE, HE WAS,

LIKE, TRYING TO ITCH HIS BACK,

AND HE COULDN'T REACH IT, SO HE

WALKED UP TO A SUPPORT POLE

THAT WAS HOLDING UP AN ENTIRE

FLOOR OF THE AIRPORT AND JUS WALKS UP, AND HE JUST STARTS,

LIKE, RUBBING UP AGAINST I LIKE A GRIZZLY BEAR.

JUST SITTING THERE.

JUST A [bleep] ANIMAL.

[laughter]

DUDE, I AM SO PRO-SWINE FLU,

IT'S, LIKE, RIDICULOUS.

I WANT IT.

WE NEED A PLAGUE.

I'M TELLING YOU, WE NEED A

PLAGUE.

IT'S GOT TO HAPPEN, AND DON'T BE

AFRAID.

IT'S ONLY GONNA--IT'S ONLY GONNA

KILL THE WEAK, YOU KNOW?

SERIOUSLY, PUT ON A SWEATER.

TAKE SOME VITAMINS.

YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE.

JUST...

YOU'VE GOT TO LET MOTHER NATURE

DO HER THING, MAN.

SHE KEEPS TRYING TO HELP US OUT,

AND WE WON'T LET HER DO IT.

KEEPS TRYING TO THIN THE HERD,

AND EVERY SINGLE TIME, WE'RE

LIKE, "OH, GO DOWN AND GET YOUR

VACCINATION."

WHY?

WHY?

SO EGG MCMUFFIN LADY CAN BREED

WITH THE BACK FAT GUY,

YOU KNOW?

IT'S GOT TO HAPPEN.

YOU'VE GOT TO LET HER DO IT.

SERIOUSLY, PLAGUE, IT'S LIKE

NATURE'S FOREST FIRE,

YOU KNOW?

JUST LET IT BURN OUT ALL THE

DEAD WOOD.

[laughter]

NO, I SWEAR TO GOD.

WE'RE THE ONLY--WE'RE THE ONLY

SPECIES THAT SAVES THE WEAK.

WE REALLY ARE.

LIONS DON'T DO THAT [bleep],

YOU KNOW?

A LION GETS A LITTLE THORN IN

HIS PAW, AND EVERYBODY'S,

"SLOW DOWN.

DO YOU HAVE AN EAR INFECTION?

HOW ARE YOU FEELING?

IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?

DO YOU NEED SOME PENICILLIN?"

AND IT'S LIKE, "[bleep] HIM."

[laughter]

THAT'S WHY THERE'S NO TRAFFIC

ON THE SERENGETI.

[laughter]

THERE'S NOT A BUNCH OF LIONS

JUST STANDING THERE IN GRIDLOCK

LIKE, "WHAT THE [bleep] IS

GOING ON UP THERE?

DUDE, GO.

JUST [bleep] GO."

AN HOUR LATER, YOU GET UP THERE.

THERE'S SOME HYENA LICKING HIS

BALLS.

LIKE, "OH, THAT WAS THE BIG

HOLDUP, RIGHT?

LIKE YOU NEVER SAW THAT BEFORE.

OH, BY ALL MEANS, SLOW DOWN

AND LOOK AT IT."

[laughter]

SO I'VE GOT A GIRLFRIEND, MAN.

I WATCH A LOT OF TV WITH HER,

YOU KNOW?

I JUST ANNOY THE HELL OUT OF

HER.

SHE LOVES WATCHING THE OPRAH

WINFREY SHOW,

AND I LOVE, LIKE, WATCHING HER

WATCH THE OPRAH WINFREY SHOW.

AND I WAIT FOR OPRAH TO SAY

SOMETHING STUPID, AND THE SECOND

SHE DOES, I JUST TAKE IT OUT ON

MY GIRL, BECAUSE I'M AN A**HOLE.

[laughter]

NO, IT'S WHAT I DO.

NO, WE WERE WATCHING IT THE

OTHER DAY, YOU KNOW.

OPRAH'S ON THERE.

SHE'S INTERVIEWING SOME CLAM,

YOU KNOW, AND...

[laughter]

SHE'S GIVING HER THIS BIG,

RIDICULOUS INTRO, LIKE, "SHE'S

DONE THIS.

SHE'S DONE THAT.

SHE'S DONE THIS.

AND SHE DOES THE MOST DIFFICUL JOB ON THE PLANET.

SHE'S A MOTHER."

AND CONTINUES ON, AND

IMMEDIATELY, I JUST LOOK AT MY

GIRLFRIEND LIKE...

YOU KNOW.

LIKE, "REALLY?

BEING A MOTHER IS THE MOS DIFFICULT JOB ON THE PLANET?

OH, YEAH, ALL THOSE MOTHERS WHO

DIE EVERY YEAR FROM BLACK LUNG

FROM INHALING ALL THAT COAL

DUST."

[laughter]

DUDE, WOMEN ARE JUST CONSTANTLY

PATTING THEMSELVES ON THE BACK

ABOUT HOW DIFFICULT THEIR LIVES

ARE, AND NO ONE CORRECTS THEM,

'CAUSE THEY WANT TO [bleep]

'EM.

[laughter and applause]

NO, THAT'S WHAT IT IS.

SO THERE'S JUST THIS TORNADO

OF, LIKE, MISINFORMATION.

"I HAVE THE MOST DIFFICULT JOB

ON THE PLANET."

WHAT WOULD YOU RATHER BE DOING,

DRILLING TO THE CENTER OF THE

EARTH, SHAKING HANDS WITH THE

DEVIL,

EVERY TIME THERE'S A RUMBLE IN

THE GROUND, YOU'RE WAITING FOR

THE WHOLE THING TO COLLAPSE DOWN

ON TOP OF YOU SO THEY CAN WRITE

THAT FOLK SONG ABOUT YOU, YOU

KNOW?

OR WOULD YOU RATHER BE UP IN

THE SUNSHINE RUNNING AROUND

WITH A COUPLE OF TODDLERS

THAT YOU CAN SEND TO BED

ANYTIME YOU WANT ON SOME

SORT OF TRUMPED-UP CHARGES,

RIGHT?

BECAUSE YOU WANT TO HAVE A DRINK

AND WATCH THE PRICE IS RIGHT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.

"IT'S THE MOST DIFFICULT JOB ON

THE PLANET."

OH, YEAH?

I THOUGHT ROOFING IN THE MIDDLE

OF JULY AS A REDHEAD--I THOUGH THAT THAT WAS DIFFICULT,

BUT THESE MOTHERS ARE BENDING

OVER AT THE WAIST PUTTING DVDs

INTO DVD PLAYERS.

I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY DO IT.

I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY DO IT.

[laughter]

DUDE, ANY JOB THAT YOU CAN DO IN

YOUR PAJAMAS IS NOT A DIFFICUL JOB, ALL RIGHT?

GIVE ME A BREAK.

JESUS CHRIST, YOU'RE 35 YEARS

OLD PLAYING HIDE-AND-GO-SEEK.

YOU'RE LIVING THE DREAM.

YOU'RE LIVING THE DREAM.

NO TIME CARD, NO TAXES.

YOU'RE OFF THE [bleep] GRID.

[laughter]

MAKING POPSICLE STICK HOUSES.

I MEAN...

[laughter]

"IT'S THE MOST DIFFICULT JOB ON

THE PLANET."

OPRAH'S NOT EVEN A MOTHER.

HOW THE [bleep] WOULD SHE KNOW?

UNBELIEVABLE.

[cheers and applause]

[laughs]

GRANTED, NEITHER AM I, BUT I,

YOU KNOW, I THINK IT KIND OF

BALANCES ITSELF OUT.

I'M HALFWAY THROUGH MY LIFE

AT THIS AGE, YOU KNOW, AND I'VE

BEEN AN ANGRY SON OF A B*TCH,

AND I'VE GOT TO TURN THIS

AROUND, MAN.

I'M EMBARRASSED WITH MY--I DON' WANT TO BE THAT GUY.

YOU DIE AS THE ANGRY GUY.

THAT'S THE WORST DUDE TO DIE AS,

BECAUSE THEN PEOPLE HAVE GOT TO

TRY TO THINK OF HAPPY [bleep] TO

SAY ABOUT YOU AT YOUR FUNERAL.

THEY'RE JUST SITTING THERE LIKE,

"HE, UH...

YOU KNOW, HE ALWAYS PAID HIS

BILLS ON TIME, YOU KNOW.

YOU'VE GOT TO GIVE HIM THAT,

YOU KNOW.

GOD DAMN IT, YOU GAVE THIS GUY

A BILL, HE PAID IT.

THIS GUY WAS A BILL-PAYING SON

OF A B*TCH, IRONED HIS SHIRTS.

I--I GOT NOTHING.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY

ABOUT THE GUY.

HE'S JUST..."

NO...

NO, I NOTICED--YOU KNOW WHEN I

KNEW I HAD AN ANGER PROBLEM

WAS WHEN--JUST, LIKE, LITTLE

RANDOM THINGS.

LIKE, I WENT TO THIS PLACE

ANOTHER TIME.

I'M ON THE ROAD, AND I'M

ORDERING FOOD, AND I WAS DONE

ORDERING THE FOOD, AND THE GUY

BEHIND THE COUNTER ASKED ME IF I

WANTED A COOKIE, RIGHT?

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, I JUST HAD

THIS UNBELIEVABLE URGE JUST TO

BLAST THIS GUY RIGHT IN THE

FACE.

[laughter]

I'M NOT TRYING TO BE PARANOID,

BUT MY BRAIN WAS JUST SITTING

THERE GOING LIKE, "DUDE, WHA KIND OF A MAN ASKS ANOTHER MAN

IF HE WANTS A COOKIE?

THIS GUY THINKS YOU'RE SOFT OR

SOMETHING."

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