Bill Burr: Let It Go Page #2

---

"OH, YOU WANT A COOKIE, HUH?

YOU WANT A COOKIE THERE,

CUPCAKE?"

WHO THE [bleep] IS HE?

HE DOESN'T [bleep] KNOW YOU LIKE

THAT.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT THE SAD THING

WAS, WAS I WANTED A COOKIE.

I WOULD HAVE LOVED ONE,

SITTING THERE WITH A BIG GLASS

OF MILK LIKE A FOUR-YEAR-OLD.

WHO DOESN'T LOVE A COOKIE, YOU

KNOW?

BUT I SAY IT.

I SAY I WANT A COOKIE.

YOU DON'T [bleep].

I SAY IT.

I SAY I WANT A COOKIE.

I BRING IT UP, AND IF YOU

BRING IT UP, YOU DO IT SUBTLE.

YOU DON'T JUST YELL IT ACROSS

THE RESTAURANT.

"YOU WANT A COOKIE, YOU P*SSY,

P*SSY, P*SSY?"

[laughter]

YEAH, SO THAT'S WHEN I REALIZED

I'VE GOT A...

[laughter]

ANYBODY ELSE'S THOUGHTS JUS WAKE THEM UP IN THE MIDDLE OF

THE NIGHT?

YOU JUST WAKE UP.

"OH, YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK I'M

GONNA MAKE IT," YOU KNOW?

[laughter]

NO, YOU KNOW, MY BIG MOVE--

ACTUALLY, I'M A LOT HAPPIER

THAN I USED TO BE, MAN.

I [bleep] AROUND A LOT WHEN I'M

UP HERE, BUT I'M DEFINITELY A

LOT MORE HAPPIER.

MY BIG MOVE, YOU KNOW, I DECIDED

I WASN'T GONNA GO HOME FOR THE

HOLIDAYS.

THAT WAS A BIG THING.

I HAD TO.

THERE YOU GO, ONE GUY RIGH THERE.

YEAH, I HAD TO.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT AGE YOU

DECIDED NOT TO, BUT I WENT HOME

AT 39 NOT MARRIED, NO KIDS,

AND I WAS JUST LIKE, "THERE IS

NO WAY I AM GOING HOME AT 40.

THERE'S NO WAY.

THERE'S NO WAY."

PEOPLE AREN'T EVEN, LIKE, ASKING

QUESTIONS.

THEY JUST LOOK AT YOU WEIRD.

JUST LIKE, "SO YOU'RE JUST..."

[laughter]

"YOU'RE JUST GONNA TELL JOKES,

YOU KNOW?

TALK ABOUT DISEASE AND WISH I ON PEOPLE AND MAKE FUN OF

PEOPLE WHO LIKE CAKE.

IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO?

YOU DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN A

CUL-DE-SAC AND HAVE A COUPLE OF

KIDS AND GRADUALLY RESEN EVERYONE AND THEN TAKE YOUR OWN

LIFE?

YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THAT?"

[laughter]

YEAH.

NO, DUDE, I WOULD LOVE TO BE

MARRIED.

LIKE, IN MY HEAD, IT ALL MAKES

SENSE.

LIKE, I--YOU KNOW?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED, BU IT JUST--IT SCARES ME.

WHEN I SEE MARRIED GUYS, I JUS GET, LIKE, NERVOUS, MAN, THA I'M JUST GONNA BE, LIKE, THA STEREOTYPICAL MARRIED GUY, YOU

KNOW?

JUST, LIKE, A SHELL OF MY FORMER

SELF.

YOU KNOW, EVERY WEEKEND UP ON

THAT SILVER LADDER JUST SCOOPING

[bleep] OUT OF THE GUTTERS.

[laughter]

MY NEIGHBOR COMING OVER, YOU

KNOW.

"HEY, BILL, HOW'S IT GOING?"

"OH, YOU KNOW, PRETTY GOOD,

PRETTY GOOD.

YEAH, SUSIE KEEPS GETTING

BIGGER, YOU KNOW.

I'VE BEEN WEARING THIS SHIRT FOR

11 YEARS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO MY

DREAMS, YOU KNOW.

I JUST LIKE COMING UP HERE

'CAUSE IT'S QUIET.

YEAH, I JUST STAND UP HERE

AND THINK ABOUT WHAT MIGHT HAVE

BEEN.

YEAH."

MY NEIGHBOR'S NOT EVEN LISTENING

TO ME.

HE'S ALL EXCITED ABOUT SOME

GARDEN HOSE HE BOUGHT A BROOKSTONE.

HE'S CONVINCED IT WAS DESIGNED

BY NASA.

"ACTUALLY, IT'S GOT TWO NOZZLES,

ONE FOR THE HOT AND ONE FOR THE

COLD."

REALLY?

IS IT LONG ENOUGH TO GO AROUND

BOTH OUR NECKS AND THE CHIMNEY

SO WE CAN TANDEM JUMP OFF OF

THIS?

THAT'S ALL I REALLY CARE ABOU YOU AND YOUR LITTLE GARDEN HOSE.

[laughter]

NOW, I KNOW I JUST SORT OF

MENTIONED KILLING MYSELF THERE.

[laughter]

I DON'T WANT TO FREAK YOU OUT,

ALL RIGHT, BECAUSE I DID THA JOKE WHEN I WAS DOWN IN THE

BIBLE BELT, AND I WAS DOWN

SOUTH, AND THIS GIRL TOOK ME

REALLY SERIOUSLY.

SHE CAME UP TO ME AT THE END OF

THE SHOW, AND SHE'S LIKE,

"YOU'RE NOT REALLY THINKING

ABOUT DOING SOMETHING LIKE THAT,

ARE YOU?

YOU'RE NOT REALLY..."

AND I WAS LIKE, "NO, NO, NO.

I'M JUST JOKING.

I'M JUST JOKING."

SHE GOES, "GOOD, 'CAUSE, YOU

KNOW, YOU CAN'T GO TO HEAVEN IF

YOU DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT."

AND I WAS JUST LIKE, "YEAH, YOU

KNOW, I REALLY DON'T GIVE A

[bleep], YOU KNOW?"

[laughter]

IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T.

I JUST LIKE FREAKING OUT PEOPLE

THAT ARE THAT RELIGIOUS,

THAT HAVE A WHOLE LITTLE

CHECKLIST.

"[bleep] IF YOU DO THIS, YOU GO

HERE, AND IF YOU DO THAT..."

HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?

YOU DON'T KNOW THAT.

SHUT UP, YOU KNOW?

I THINK IT'S A VERY NORMAL

THOUGHT.

I THINK IT'S A VERY NORMAL

THOUGHT TO THINK ABOUT KILLING

YOURSELF, YOU KNOW?

I DO.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S WEIRD?

ANYTIME I THINK ABOUT KILLING

MYSELF, IT'S NEVER OVER ANYTHING

BIG.

IT'S ALWAYS LITTLE THINGS.

LITTLE THINGS MAKE ME WANT TO

TAKE MYSELF OUT.

IT'S BIZARRE.

LIKE, IF MY GIRLFRIEND BROKE UP

WITH ME, I'M NOT GONNA LIE TO

YOU.

I WOULD BE DEVASTATED,

DEVASTATED.

I'D BE LAYING ON THE GROUND

CRYING IN THE FETAL POSITION

FOR, LIKE, THREE DAYS, YOU

KNOW.

BUT, YOU KNOW, BY THE FOURTH

DAY, YOU KNOW, I'D RUB ONE OUT,

YOU KNOW, START PUTTING THE

PIECES BACK TOGETHER.

I KNOW WHAT I'VE GOT TO DO,

JOIN A GYM, LIE TO MYSELF THA I'M GONNA GET THE SIX-PACK BACK.

I KNOW WHAT I'VE GOT TO DO, ALL

RIGHT?

BUT LITTLE THINGS.

I THOUGHT ABOUT KILLING

MYSELF, LIKE, A YEAR AGO ON

THANKSGIVING.

AND YOU KNOW WHY IT WAS?

IT WAS BECAUSE I SAID I WAS

GONNA MAKE A PIE.

THAT LITTLE STATEMENT MADE ME

THINK ABOUT TAKING MYSELF OUT.

THIS IS HOW IT WORKS.

THIS IS BASICALLY THE DEAL,

RIGHT?

MY GIRLFRIEND'S AN ANGEL.

SHE ABSOLUTELY LOVES THE

HOLIDAYS, SO IT WAS, LIKE, TWO

WEEKS BEFORE THANKSGIVING, SO

SHE'S ALL EXCITED.

SHE'S LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.

THANKSGIVING'S COMING UP."

I'M SITTING THERE TRYING TO

WATCH THE GAME.

"THANKSGIVING.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO FOR

THANKSGIVING," RIGHT?

AND I STARTED FREAKING OUT.

LIKE, I DIDN'T THINK I HAD TO DO

ANYTHING FOR THANKSGIVING, YOU

KNOW?

I JUST THOUGHT I HAD TO, YOU

KNOW, NOT GET DRUNK AND BE

BELLIGERENT AROUND YOUR FRIENDS.

I THOUGHT I WAS FINE.

SHE'S LIKE, "NO, I'M GONNA MAKE

A TURKEY.

I'M GONNA MAKE STUFFING.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?"

SO I PANICKED.

I'M LIKE, "I'LL [bleep] MAKE A

PIE."

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE A PIE.

I WAS JUST TRYING TO MAKE HER GO

AWAY, YOU KNOW?

YOU EVER DO THAT?

YOU JUST AGREE WITH THEM

THINKING IT WILL MAKE THEM

LEAVE?

LIKE, "AWESOME, WHAT YOU SAID,

HIGH FIVE, [bleep] OFF,"

AND YOU GO BACK TO WATCHING THE

GAME.

YEAH.

NO, BUT IT TOTALLY WORKED.

IT TOTALLY WORKED, BECAUSE SHE

WALKED AWAY COMPLETELY EXCITED.

SHE WAS, LIKE, YOU KNOW, RAN

AWAY ALL EXCITED, AND I TOTALLY

FORGOT ABOUT IT, RIGHT?

TWO WEEKS LATER, THANKSGIVING

COMES UP, RIGHT?

SHE JUST WAKES UP.

SHE'S LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.

IT'S THANKSGIVING.

IT'S THANKSGIVING.

YOU'RE GONNA MAKE THAT PIE,

RIGHT?

YOU SAID YOU WERE GONNA MAKE A

PIE."

I WAS LIKE, "[bleep]."

I'VE GOT TO MAKE A PIE.

I'VE GOT TO GO TO THE GROCERY

STORE.

I'VE GOT TO BUY SOME FLOUR.

THEN I JUST STARTED THINKING,

"MAN, WHAT IF I JUST SLAMMED MY

HEAD RIGHT THROUGH THIS PLATE

GLASS WINDOW AND JUST BLED OU RIGHT DOWN THE SIDE OF THE

HOUSE, YOU KNOW?

I WOULDN'T HAVE TO MAKE THE

PIE."

SO IT'S NOT EVEN LIKE I'M

SUICIDAL.

IT'S MORE LIKE I'M, LIKE, LAZY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE, WHENEVER I KNOW THE NEX FOUR HOURS OF MY LIFE IS GONNA

SUCK, I THINK ABOUT IT.

"GOD, I'VE GOT TO PAY MY TAXES.

THERE'S A LONG LINE AT THE

BANK," AND THEN A BUS IS COMING

BY.

"WHAT IF I JUST DOVE HEADFIRS RIGHT INTO THOSE DOUBLE BACK

TIRES?"

ANYBODY ELSE?

YOU EVER THINK ABOUT [bleep]

LIKE THAT?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes